Adult child struggling to accept divorce

[FortyDegreeDay]

Hi all,

I’m 29 and looking for advice because I am struggling to accept that my parents are getting a divorce after 35 years of marriage and rumination over it is derailing my own personal and professional life.

DM 60 and DF 70 have announced separation and whilst it has always been apparent throughout my life that they have minimal shared interests, because they didn’t argue and I didn’t grow up in a household full of disagreement, I naively (and perhaps selfishly) thought they might continue to muddle along together. Over the past two years, they’ve both deteriorated considerably with my DF showing signs of dementia including forgetfulness, confusion, inability to sleep and pacing at night and my DM has signs of functioning alcoholism whereby she is over reliant on wine (a bottle a day) with no other discernible hobbies, she is frequently quite passive aggressive. I really want them both to be happy, and I accept the decision they’ve made but I’m finding it really hard to imagine either of them finding any happiness and high quality of life.

The announcement of the separation has only exacerbated these problems and I feel caught in the middle with trying to make sure they’re ok, worrying particularly how they will manage separately as neither of them have high incomes or a wealth of savings and my DF is likely to struggle to live independently. It is also becoming increasingly hostile between them and they both over share their thoughts and feelings with me and my sibling, who still lives at home. I am concerned for her wellbeing as I’ve seen a deterioration in her general demeanour as she’s stuck between the two.

I equally feel this immense sadness that I won’t, selfishly, get experiences I thought I might have - like my parents at the top table if I got married, playing grandparents to my potential children (my own grandparents provided significant care to me when I was younger which are very fond memories). I am consumed with looking at friends who have these familial relationships and feeling empty that I don’t. I’m struggling to concentrate when I’m at work and I feel so worried about the future all the time, which isn’t sustainable emotionally but also my job is very demanding and I can’t afford to underperform. I can’t talk to other family members as they say phrases such as ‘this should have happened years ago’ or ‘they have been unhappy for years’ and this sends me spiralling and thinking over every happy memory and wondering if it was a lie.

How do I move forward and also provide support to my family? At the moment, I can’t seem to see the wood through the trees. Has anyone been through anything similar?

Darling I feel for you - it doesn't matter how old you are, your parents separating is going to be a big deal for you.

You have several issues going on here:

Your DF has dementia. Your DM will have been dealing with this for some time. you don't wake up one morning with dementia - it's a slow burn. Your DM is having to cope with your DF's increased care needs & personality changes associated with dementia at the same time as (probably) mourning the loss of her marriage & transition from wife to carer. I don't really blame her for taking solace in a bottle of wine a day. However that's no solution. Possibly once she's free of the burden of care she may be able to take her life in hand & do something more constructive. Possibly some voluntary work?

Your own grief about the potential support & happy times that you may have had should you have DCs.

Their financial situation should they separate. My mother once commented that it was easier to 'soldier on' than to try to undo 50 years of marriage.

Then there's the impact all this could have on your life potentially caring for 2 people in separate homes with increasing care needs.

..and then you actually have a life and a career.

I suggest that you speak to a counsellor to help you sort all these things out in your mind and to help you make a plan that works for you.

You don't say how your sibling feels about it all & what support they can give to you & your parents.

I had a similar situation with my DPs. My parents had a volatile marriage. When my DF became ill my mother started smoking again & frankly drank far more than was good for her. But by then I was divorced & had moved to live around the corner from them. I was able to visit mornings & evenings to help get my DF up & dressed & to put him to bed at night as well as to run around in the middle of the night when he fell to wait for the ambulance & then to stay overnight to take care of my mum who was often pi$$ed & pretty-much incapable.

All I can say is good luck darling. I'll be honest there isn't much help out there. Stay in touch MN is always there for you. Feel free to PM me. x

Thank you for your kind message, it’s much appreciated.

It’s complicated, as my DM hasn’t really had to take on a caring role for my DF as she refuses to accept there is anything wrong with him and states he “chooses to be this way” despite there being a solid body of evidence to prove otherwise but I do agree the stress of the environment, irrespective of the root cause, means she may seek solace in alcohol. There are moments where she articulates a desire to do something different but she doesn’t seem to have the will to follow through. For example, she expressed an interest in Pilates so I found a local class, offered to cover the cost and also attend with her but she refused. She’s functioning in that she is in full time employment but I think the implications of the drinking means she has a poor quality of sleep, doesn’t eat well, is frequently anxious and irritable. Maybe you’re right that over time this might dissipate when they are living separately and it provides some space to relax.

I do feel worried about the implications for me having to take on a caring role, in that it’s likely I will need to play a significant role in the management of my DF’s day to day life, especially around finance as he receives minimal state pension and my DM handled all finance activity. My DSis is conflicted and we don’t talk about the details and future too much as they’re quite burnt out by living with it on a day to day basis. It’s much harder for them than me as I live independently with my partner who has been a great source of support alongside his family, who have gone above and beyond to check in on me. They also have only just returned from a 6 month travelling trip and found a job, so I think this has been a severe crash down to earth. I have offered them a place to stay as my house has two spare bedrooms but they’re adamant they don’t want to move. DSis is a priority for me, as she tends to be a people pleaser and she could easily end up derailing the rest of her 20s trying to respond to their respective needs.

I’m really sorry for the experience you had with your parents and it sounds like you did a fabulous job of trying to support them both. Families can be so tough!