The ultimat nice guy? Hurt and confused.

[GahItsOnlyMonday]

NC for this. Sorry it is quite long!

Have been single for 6 yrs but only started dating / dipping my toes in the water 2 years ago. Joined a few apps and met some men who didn't have partner potential but saw one as a kind of FWB thing and the other one saw slightly more seriously. They lived in a different town to me so nothing could've really happened, they weren't great and eventually it fizzled out with both of them.
Around same time my friend introduced me to her friend T who was also single. We liked the same music and he seemed my 'type' so we started chatting and he seemed cool. Met for a drink and unfortunately there was no spark. We went to a few gigs together but no romance; he was very hung up on 2 women he already knew (1 from school, other was a neighbour). Both had diagnosis of EUPD and had had significant trauma. I got the impression he was so hung up on them, that even if we had had chemistry, it would not have worked out.

I hadn't messaged T in a while so thought I would say hi. His profile pic had gone from WhatsApp. Told my friend and she had T's number from a night out, so she messaged him saying hi. Message went through. She said that I was worried, was he OK?

He sent back this really long screed saying:

• He's feeling down

-That he was there for me when I was feeling down about the 2 "users" but when things were going well I disappeared.

• That he was tired of being an ego-booster
• He doesn't understand why I chase people who treat me like crap

It was worded in a really mean, bitter sort of way and was v long so won't post it here!

My friend sent him back a very nice, measured response saying she's sorry he is down, that I am worried for him, that I would like to help him, if he is feeling down. And fwiw I had not seen the two "users" again (as they'd fizzled out)

He messaged her again saying

"Lol up to her whether she wants to [carry on with FWB]. And I'm in no way jealous or angry or upset with her about them at all.

It's just an awful lot of people have used me to sort out their problems and when I have [helped] they disappear. And similar was happening with GahItsOnlyMonday. Probably unintentionally but I'm a "healer / defender" personality type so will always help and I don't want to be. I can no longer take shit or keep helping others till I get what I need back. I've blocked a lot of people it's not what she's done [emphasis mine!]"

I'm just totally agog at the whole thing! We had been friends for 2 years, and I genuinely considered him to be my friend. We talked about a lot of stuff; I wasn't using him for advice or just as a shoulder to cry on. I liked him a lot, platonically, and will miss him. At the same time I am really angry about the accusations levelled at me. I haven't 'done' anything. I wasn't asking him to be my healer and he spent a helluva a lot of time talking about these 2 women he was a bit obsessed with. We also talked about work, sport, hobbies etc. Just all the normal stuff you'd talk to your friends about.

It all feels extremely juvenile (getting a friend to be a go-between!) but he's still kept me blocked. It's just bizarre. I also feel really sad though, because I liked him a lot as a person and we did co fide in each other as friends do. And now I just think he was a Nice Guy ™️ and it all feels a bit grubby.

Is there any advice from moving on from this kind of situation? It has really upset me.

Wow, sorry that happened to you. "Surrogate boyfriend"! What a thing to say. Did he mean like, "friend"?! And then it is us who feel the actual pain of the friendship break-up, because they are secretly seething and angry and resentful.

And that is what I am finding really hard; I am actually missing him (the person I thought he was, obviously he is actually a pig).

Thanks, I needed to hear this 😆
He has upset me a lot with how he has carried on. It's just so... unfair!

Thanks @EarthSight for your response!

I really do think that I am a caring person and I know for a fact that I didn't drop him when I was romantically involved with either of the other two. We stayed in pretty much frequent contact till a few months ago when I was having a really difficult time (unrelated to romantic entanglements which were already long-finished). During this time he didn't message me at all either, and it was when I finally got my arse into gear and thought I'd see how he was doing that I realised he had blocked me. (I'm not sure when exactly I was blocked.) And yeah, it has made me feel really insecure and worried that I've not been a good friend or whatever to him, because he is so full of rage / resentment towards me at me. His initial message was really bitter and unpleasant, the one I didn't see because my friend paraphrased it for me as she didn't want me to be upset.

Whilst he may genuinely be referring to these other men.....do you not think that there's a slight chance he slipped this one out and he's actually referring to himself here? The anger might be coming from 'Why does she put up with their shit, but she doesn't put up with MY shit??'

In regards to this, I think maybe to an extent, yes. Which is a challenging thing to admit to myself as it paints someone I considered to be a friend in a very bad lighting! I think that he feels that he would make a better partner / boyfriend etc. than they would have, because he is a Nice Guy™️. And to be fair they weren't proper boyfriend material. But neither is he because I do not feel attracted to him at all. At least with the other two, I actually found them attractive.

I thought this, I’m a bit confused how someone from a different town means it can’t go anywhere 😂

It wasn't really just that they were in a different town; if they had been different personalities then I would've done something to make it work with one or the other of them. The distance wasn't the only issue 😅 but equally if they had lived locally, things might have lasted for longer. It was a combination of distance plus not other contributing factors!

This!!

You both sound like idiots tbh.

Both of you were using each other to vent about other non-starter relationships; neither of you messaged each other for a while yet apparently you're upset because he blocked your number?

Also why is self-esteem by The Offspring sexiest? Dexter wrote it about a relationship he was in as a young adult where his "GF" was abusive and dismissive of him but had made him feel so bad about himself that he didn't feel he could leave the relationship because she'd convinced him no one else would want him.

It did really give me the ick when I saw that "I'm a healer / defender type" part of the message specifically.

Like he was either some kind of super-hero, rushing to the little lady's rescue ("m'lady!"). Or he sees himself like some kind of high-fantasy, Dungeons and Dragons high mage. Or both, probably 🙄
Add insult to injury, he hasn't defended me against anyone, I didn't need defending. And he didn't really do much healing either, yes he was a sympathetic ear but I was a sympathetic ear to him too! Because we were friends, or at least I thought we were 😑 I do think in his head he has mixed me and the other 2 women up.

He's an utterly self-absorbed idiot and not worth any more of your headspace.

You actually sound great - good luck with finding a nice and sane guy!

My advice would be to not give him another thought and move on. He sounds like hard work and he was pretty nasty about you! It's not your job to 'rescue' him.

He's an utterly self-absorbed idiot and not worth any more of your headspace.

You actually sound great - good luck with finding a nice and sane guy!

But it sounds like you ghosted him when he started opening up, I understand there was no chemistry, but, he thought things were going well....

I imagine....

*if the contact just stopped fair point but to then message later is a bit of strange thing to do. Sorry.

That's the thing, I absolutely didn't ghost him. He was very open from the beginning regarding the two women that he was really into, literally from our first meeting. We carried on being friends for nearly 2 years. I didn't message him for a few months as I had some really awful stuff going on in my life. When I did message when things had calmed down for me a bit, that was when I realised that he had blocked me. It was his 'turn' to message but I thought I would message anyway to see how he was.