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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you tell the other womans boyfriend?

38 replies

serialforgiver · 24/04/2008 07:51

I'm not much of a regular, but I've name changed for this as a couple of RL friends know my nickname on here, and I'm not ready to tell them about all this yet.

Basically my dp of 10 years has been having an affair with a friend of mine. Its the third time he's done this now (I know I'm stupid for staying with him - I wont be doing this time, three strikes and you're out and all that), but anyway, I do blame him much more than her, as it seems this is the kind of person he is.

Despite that though, I'm still really angry with her, when we're friends. She knows we have two young dc and she knows he's done this before, and that another time would be the final nail in the coffin.

Part of me wants her to suffer for what she's done, and I want to contact her dp (they have no children) to tell him about it (i have evidence in the form of fairly explicit emails between the two of them), but then another part of me thinks this is just revenge, and I shouldn't stoop so low.

Would it be wrong to tell him, and should I just concentrate on getting on with my own life and getting over it myself, or should she have her life ripped apart in the same manner.

OP posts:

startingoveragain · 24/04/2008 07:54

i would tell him bt not in a vindictive way more of a 'i think you should know what shes doing to me' way

and id kick your oh out

hugs

HappyWoman · 24/04/2008 07:57

Does she know you know? You could be really cruel and tell her you have a SDT - that way she will have to tell her partner and your h too.

Dont feel bad for wanting to get revenge - the fact that you feel bad makes you good person - too good. But you are right only do it if you think it will actually make you feel better not worse.

So sorry for you - hope you are ok, and hope he gives you the respect now to leave you alone if that is what you want.

MascaraOHara · 24/04/2008 08:00

I would tell him and all your friends out of revenge.. she was your friend FFS!! if you can't trust your friends with your man then who can you trust! what a bitch and as for him.. well I'd tell his family.

kd73 · 24/04/2008 08:09

Serial forgiver, I am sorry of your predicament.

I assume your "friend" is a consenting adult in this and as such, her behaviour is as dispicable as his.

I would inform her dp, not in a nasty vindictive way and he may not thank you - be prepared for this.

I would then look to remove both your dp & friend from your life and if those close to you ask why - tell them. You have nothing to be ashamed of here and if your friend and dp have - tough!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster

serialforgiver · 24/04/2008 08:09

She knows that I know. I discovered it all yesterday when he didn't sign out of his facebook account on our computer. I phoned him at work, and then sent her a text. He let her know as well.

All I wanted from her was an apology, but she hasn't answered either of my texts, but she has answered dps texts which says it all really.

I think I'm ok. Its the third time now, so its no longer a shock to me, but it is still really upsetting, particularly as I couldnt stop reading what they were writing to each other, and it got quite explicit at times. I cant get those images out of my head right now.

I think I will tell her dp. They have no children, so I'm not splitting up a family, and he deserves to know what she's done, and she deserves to be unhappy after what she's done to me.

OP posts:

stirlingmum · 24/04/2008 08:17

I agree. I think her dp should know. They were aware of what they were doing and should accept the consequences. It may even make you feel better too .

I like Happywomans idea of telling them you have an STI - Make them panic!!

You sound resigned to the outcome of this. I do believe you will eventually feel better when your dp is out of your life.

Take Care x

cluckyagain · 24/04/2008 08:18

Yes - for the simple reason that I would want to know in this situation.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/04/2008 08:19

Alternatively this other woman's partner may well know that something is amiss in their relationship but has turned a blind eye to it. You telling this other man will do you no favours and he will likely not thank you for the information you impart. You will never get an apology from her.

You need to concentrate instead on your own self and your children now because you have been doubly betrayed.

Why though, did you take your man back previously?. Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. It won't do your children any good to have their dad being a serial adulterer in their lives in terms of what they learn about relationships. What relationship lessons are they learning here?.

umberella · 24/04/2008 08:23

I would tell him. what a lowlife.

i feel really for you and your dc but glad to hear you are getting rid of this asshole.

zippitippitoes · 24/04/2008 08:26

i wouldnt actually

i would work on making my own life as good as possible and showing i was moving on and didnt need either of them

Original poster

serialforgiver · 24/04/2008 08:27

The children are quite young (3 and 2) so theres no question really of them learning relationship lessons from all this yet.

I've taken him back previously because he is a fantastic father, and a very good friend, just an appalling partner. In every other respect he's a good person, it just seems he's addicted to the thrill of cheating. I hoped after the last time that he'd learnt his lesson, but it seems not. He's devasated to have to leave, he knows theres no going back now, but he knew what would happen if he did it again, so I'm not prepared to cave.

OP posts:

Alexa808 · 24/04/2008 08:33

I would certainly let her dp know what's u..if she hasn't done so herself and confessed all and twisted the truth. Defo show him those emails.

Knowing about your history with H and yet still lying on her back for him is despicable. No self-respect in that woman...

Sorry to hear what you've been through. What an arsewipe, your H. You haven't lost anything dear. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

Alexa808 · 24/04/2008 08:35

wanted to write: know what's up

Dragonbutter · 24/04/2008 08:35

Hell yes. Why should she get away with it? As she is an adult I would expect that she did this prepared to face the consequences.

TotalChaos · 24/04/2008 08:39

No, as you seem to want to do it to screw things up for her. and there is no guarantee that would actually happen 1)her DP may be annoyed with you (shoot the messenger) 2)she may sweet talk her way out of it or 3)he may accept it/forgive her. Which could leave you feeling even worse.

HappyWoman · 24/04/2008 09:07

Having thought about it more you should tell. If you dont he will be angry with you too - yes he may be angry at the outset of you telling but he will see that you had no choice.

I really feel for you too as it is not easy to just get on with your life without him. he will be in forever because of your children.

Do take care of yourself now.

CountessDracula · 24/04/2008 09:14

Yes I think you should

Why not? What do you have to lose? Do you really care if he is pissed off with you? I guess it is a bit mean to shake his life up but tbh if I were him I would rather know that my girfriend was a slapper so I could bin her and find someone else!

FAWKEOFF · 24/04/2008 09:16

i'm so sorry, you are doing the right thing, id he cant respect you enough to keep his dick to himself then he doesnt deserve to be a part of your family. She is a skanky trollop and you should tell her DP and forward the e mails to him. I hope that things start to look up for you and you have been more than fair to give him 2 previous chances...i dont think i could

MissGelly · 24/04/2008 09:25

Agree with Countess Dracula. Why should you care if he doesnt appreciate the news? She may try to talk her way out of it, but forwad him the emails, and then walk away. You've done your bit in informing the other "clueless partner" in this four-way tango. Now you and he get to move on....they'll more than likely end up together anyway (your other half and slapper) and then he'll cheat on her a ways down the road. It's inevitable . Men do not stop cheating.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 24/04/2008 12:17

They don't have kids so.....he deserves to know. What a cowbag. xxx

Original poster

serialforgiver · 24/04/2008 13:02

Well, I've done it. I dont have a phone number or anything for him, so I've sent him an email - not forwarding the emails between the two of those - I dont want him to have to read those unless he wants to - but telling him whats happened, apologising for contacting him by email, and telling him I have the proof if he needs to see it. He hasn't replied yet, and I dont feel any better for doing it, but then I didn't really think that I would, I just thought it was something I should do.

I'm now having to deal with dp and his begging to stay, promising to change etc.

I really just want to say thank you all for your support as well. I've never posted on here for advice before, and I'm really glad that I did.

OP posts:

SheWillBeLoved · 24/04/2008 13:08

You did the right thing. You'll probably feel guilty for possibly breaking up a relationship but don't - that tart did that the minute she started messing around with your partner.

Stay strong - don't give in to his promises. I'm sure he promised the first time that he'd never do it again

FAWKEOFF · 24/04/2008 14:16

you have done the right thing x and i agree with SHEWILLBELOVED...he has had more than enough chances to prove his fidelity to you

MissGelly · 24/04/2008 14:41

I agree with above ladies. Kick him to the curb, girlfriend! You deserve better...

madamez · 24/04/2008 14:45

DOn't let your DP stay unless you can cope with an open relationship, because your DP is fundamentally not monogamous and even if he promises to change, he will have sex elsewhere again. You may in time be able to have a friendly co-parent relationship with himbut right now you need to be kind to yourself. Try and minimize vengeful behaviour though, as it acutally doesn't make you feel better.

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