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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Single mum and dating

20 replies

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 13:12

Finding life so lonely as a single mum, has anyone managed to date when they have their kids full time and if so how did you make it work? The thought of another year alone is seriously depressing, I don’t need to learn to love myself or learn to be happy alone etc I’m fine on my own and have been alone for many years I just think life is so much better when you have someone to share it with the people that love being alone probably have huge social networks a and loads of friends/ family. Any success stories to make me feel there is hope? Especially those that have their children full time? I did initially plan to wait till they had grown up but that is a long long way off since my ex left when I was pregnant with our youngest child.

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TipsyJoker · 18/10/2024 13:42

Do they never go to their dads? Ever? Do they go to school? After school clubs? What ages are they? Do you have any friends locally who could babysit for a couple of hours to allow you to meet someone for a coffee?

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 14:04

Yes I could meet for a Coffee whilst they are at school but that wouldn’t work long term? No we have no contact with their father they haven’t seen him in 2 years. Ages 13 down to 7. Definitely no one that would babysit

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TipsyJoker · 18/10/2024 15:01

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 14:04

Yes I could meet for a Coffee whilst they are at school but that wouldn’t work long term? No we have no contact with their father they haven’t seen him in 2 years. Ages 13 down to 7. Definitely no one that would babysit

Forget About long term just now. You need to actually meet someone and establish a relationship before you start worrying about long term. Get online and arrange to meet some guys for a coffee during school times. I’d also be thinking about getting the kids into some clubs in the early evening that you can leave them at and you could meet people then.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 18/10/2024 16:08

I had to introduce my kids to my DP reasonably early on for this reason. Their dad lives abroad so only has them sporadically.

Since separating I’d already made new friends, made plans with other school/nursery parents etc and one of those was a man. I realised that if it was ok for me to spend time with my kids and a man in that context then just because it’s an actual relationship it makes no difference. There was no kissing and hugging etc in front of them until everyone was happy with the situation so it was just like spending time with any other friend. Once he started staying the night he would leave before they woke up so they didn’t know, and then later on it wasn’t a shock when he was still here in the morning as they’d seen him before they went to bed.

You don’t have to put your life on hold - you deserve some love and affection too, so as long as you’re respectful of the DCs (and of your new partner and his place in your life) then go for it.

Be warned online dating is full of chancers and cheats. Don't waste rare babysitting offers/pay for sitters etc for anyone until you’ve managed a couple of quick coffee dates to suss them out. 50% of them are married/attached, 40% just want a shag, 5% are genuine but you won’t fancy them in real life and 5% are worth at least a shot, but may not work out. It’s real needle in haystack stuff, but if you keep it light, get a thick skin for all the rejection, ghosting and pervy behaviour you’ll encounter, you might just find that needle.

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 17:10

Thanks both it would definitely be online dating as I don't meet men irl and would avoid any men at their schools. I just mean how does it to from coffee dates to proper dates? Would most men be happy only seeing a woman 10-2 on a week day? The children are never all out the house together unfortunately

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category12 · 18/10/2024 17:36

life is so much better when you have someone to share it with the people that love being alone probably have huge social networks a and loads of friends/ family.

If you don't have many friends, maybe it would be better to put your energy into building more of a social network for yourself than to focus on dating? Easier too, given your small window of alone time at the moment.

Obviously friends don't keep you warm at night, but good ones will likely stick around longer than some men.

10-2 is the sort of time married men on their lunch-break have for dating.

In a few years, your eldest might be up for babysitting occasionally and then you'd have that much more freedom and opportunity to take your time and have proper dates and fun with guys.

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 18:06

I'm not looking for friendships sorry to clarify I do have some mum friends but I mean the people that enjoy being single ime either have no children so plenty of time to socialise with adults or have time off from their children so again plenty of time to socialise. I don't get time off from mine so no social life that doesn't involve kids and I'm not looking for "mum friends" i d like something for myself at this point

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TipsyJoker · 18/10/2024 18:13

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 18:06

I'm not looking for friendships sorry to clarify I do have some mum friends but I mean the people that enjoy being single ime either have no children so plenty of time to socialise with adults or have time off from their children so again plenty of time to socialise. I don't get time off from mine so no social life that doesn't involve kids and I'm not looking for "mum friends" i d like something for myself at this point

Can’t your mum friends babysit for you then?

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 18:17

TipsyJoker · 18/10/2024 18:13

Can’t your mum friends babysit for you then?

No unfortunately not.

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TipsyJoker · 18/10/2024 18:17

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 17:10

Thanks both it would definitely be online dating as I don't meet men irl and would avoid any men at their schools. I just mean how does it to from coffee dates to proper dates? Would most men be happy only seeing a woman 10-2 on a week day? The children are never all out the house together unfortunately

You’re getting ahead of yourself. At this point you just need to meet some men. Worry about the logistics of a relationship as it develops. Could you maybe take a part time job a couple of days a week whilst the kids are at school? You’d meet people what way and you could still do online dating too. A lot of people meet their partners at work.

TipsyJoker · 18/10/2024 18:18

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 18:17

No unfortunately not.

Why not? I babysit it for my mum friend now and then. Have you asked them or is it you who won’t do it?

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 18:21

Yes they would help in an emergency but not as regular child care.

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TipsyJoker · 18/10/2024 18:23

How many children do you have?

PetitFilouz · 18/10/2024 18:44

What options do you think you have available to you? Whatever you land on will likely be the options you actually have.

I’d agree that you ought to start with dates that are during school times so you’re not wasting precious babysitting time on someone who - in all probability if your only source of men is dating apps - is likely to be a bit of a loser. Then, when you get to know them better you’d need to think about how you can date in the evenings. If you’re certain you’ll have nobody to babysit for you then it seems your only option is to have them over after your children are in bed, as another poster has already said. Only you know if that’s something you’re comfortable with.

It’s not something I would personally do or advocate for tbh. I am a lone parent to one child and there’s no chance in hell I’d even give out my address to a man in the early stages of dating, let alone have them in my home. More than it just being where we live, I consider our home to be my child’s safe space, and his safety and security (in all the senses) is of paramount importance. As I’m sure it is for you and yours.

We do differ though as don’t consider dating a priority. IMO at the most it’s something I’d want to do, it’s not something I need to do. My wants will always come second to my son’s needs, and there is no way that my child would ever need his mum to date. I appreciate it’s something you feel is very important and that’s ok, we’re all different. If your options are as limited as you say, and there are no likely organic situations in which you’ll meet a decent man, then for my money it’s a long line of day dates - and day sex, there’s nothing wrong with that - with blokes from Tinder and Hinge, or no dating until you can actually spend evenings out of the house.

I wish you the best whatever you decide. I absolutely empathise on the loneliness front, it’s tough going doing it all on your own sometimes. Take care.

kindertoPTS · 18/10/2024 21:19

Her eldest is 13... I don't think it would be possible to wait until kids asleep to invite a man over in the evenings.

stardustbiscuits · 18/10/2024 21:39

If your eldest is 13, surely it’s not long until you can leave him/ her to babysit for a couple of hours in the evening?

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 22:09

stardustbiscuits · 18/10/2024 21:39

If your eldest is 13, surely it’s not long until you can leave him/ her to babysit for a couple of hours in the evening?

No my 13 year old doesn't get on with the youngest so unfortunately

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ChampaignSupernova · 18/10/2024 22:32

Join a dating app. Talk to a few men and if there is one who peaks your interest hire a baby sitter. You don't have to meet every day for a relationship to start. You can meet once every 2 weeks for a day if needed and after a while if he works during school hours he might book some time off to meet you during. You then build up to extra days/nights. You may meet someone who does shift work or night work so day time dates may be suitable.

You say your children don't get on but that may change in a couple of years and you may find eldest is willing to baby sit.

If you can't meet a man your interested in because dates don't work out trust that he isn't the man for you.

CatsCuddles · 18/10/2024 22:36

Thanks I don't hold out any hope that will change as they've never got on even when younger and I'm not really prepared to wait another few years I feel like I've already wasted so much time I will join some apps and see what happens

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