Miserable and angry. Again.

[EmilyBronte]

Am beginning to become a bit of a regular with this but I'm sitting here again, unable to sleep, crying and wondering whether this is the rest of my life. DH called me a stupid cow tonight while I was trying to settle DS back to sleep. He told me all I did was shout at him, that I am ungrateful, never thank him for all that he does etc etc. He was really angry with me and I've been awake for the past two hours thinking about it all. I don't need this - I'm already severely sleep deprived with non-sleeping baby.

The weird thingis that I thought things were ok at the moment. We've just got back from a lovely holiday and we've both been making a real effort. The other day I texted him to thank him for helping out with the baby the night before and told him I loved him when I came home. He didn't respond at all, just said 'thank you'. He has such problems with anything emotional, instantly puts up some kind of barrier and is totally unable to let me in. I've learnt to live with it over the years but I still find it very hurtful. Was in a really good mood today, baby much better and was happy when DH came home, but it doesn't seem to matter how I behave, he still flies off the handle at the slightest thing and blames me for shouting at him, being selfish, bringing him down...

Have been sitting here weeping and angry that I'm not getting the precious sleep I need because he's upset me so much. Just don't know what to do - I don't need this right now. It's making me feel very very low indeed. And all I can see is it continuing for the rest of our lives. Most of all I know that our children deserve better - they're amazing.

How odd, I just this second sent you an email wondering how you are. I guess this answers my question.

Sleep deprivation is horrible.

Why is your DH angry with you? Has he always been like this?

I'm sorry things are no better. I wish I could help.

x

Gosh, that sounded rather blunt and not very sympathetic, I'm sorry.

You know you are a wonderful mother and deserve to be treated so much better than this. No-one should be spoken to the way you have been. I think you know that too. You don't have to live like that. I know you are scared of the consequences but at some point, you need to make your happiness a priority. You have two very small children who need a happy mummy.

He sent me a text this afternoon apologising but I just feel empty. DD has been horrible all morning, attacking DS every opportunity she had and screaming whenever I stopped her. DS has just been screaming for 25 minutes. Thankfully is asleep now. I am rock bottom. I drafted a text back telling him that I have nothing else to give, to them, to me, to him, to us. But I've not sent it. It's just how I feel right now. I honestly and truthfully see no future for me. I'm not being self-pitying, it's just genuinely how I feel right now. I am thinking of ways to end it.

Btw right now I feel like an utterly shit mother. I feel like I've let my kids down and that I have nothing in me to entertain DD. I don't do anything fun and arty and crafty and inventive with her, I just sit there like a lemon while she plays. The biggest thing I do is read stories. I ahven't even got the energy to make a thank you card with her for her nursery key worker. I feel utterly shite.

You have everything to give and you must never forget that. Your babes are relying on you for so much - and their fun and happy times are depending on your ability to get through this tough time.

Things always seem so so much worse when you have had less sleep - is there someone that can come round to help you so you can grab some sleep?

Don't send your text, it won't make things better. Just ask for help and do it now - don't be proud we all need it from time to time.

Stay strong, you are doing well don't let anyone tell you differently. x

You're not shite - you are sleep deprived and under a lot of strain. I've not read your other threads but I guess you have a baby and a toddler? It's hard when they both need so much from you. I'm sure other people will come on with good advice in a minute. I don't know how much use this will be but for what its worth:

Can you get someone to come and help for a bit? Sister, mother, friends. Or try homestart they were a life line for a friend of mine
Just someone to let you get some sleep/take the baby so you can spend time with the toddler, make you feel like you are not alone. Often we don't ask for help because we feel stupid or a failure, but imagine how you would feel if a friend felt the way you were feeling but didn't want to call you. Or find some money to pay for a few hours help a day, just to get through this bit.

Keep reminding yourself that this WILL pass. You just have to live through it. You had a good holiday, things are good when you both make the effort. The fact that you have shit days, and rows doesn't negate the good bits. the good days were good days and you will have them again.

Accept your husband's appology. It was a crap thing to say and the last thing you needed but it sounds like you are both under a lot of stress. He's made a move to say sorry, try meeting him half way.

All easy to say I know, but it's the best i can come up with!

EB

I know how awful it is to feel like that. You know I do. I know I can't say anything to make things better or to give you hope. Anything that I can say is too cliched - you know, things can only get better, it won't always be like this etc. And, much as they are incredibly hard to believe and rather irritating, I do believe they are true. It often doesn't feel that way though.

Can you get someone to take the children for a bit? Or go out when DD is being hard work? I mean, just strap her in the buggy and go out and walk and walk?

Please think about how you can help yourself. You don't deserve to be so unhappy.

Or just call/ email the samaritans when the DC are in bed. Sometimes talking to a random stranger can get you through the very worst moment.

I have to go out but will pop back later. You can always email.

Also, reading stories is probably one of the best things you can do for the DC anyway. You are not shite. You feel shite and that is different.

Writing is a good idea. But be careful what you send. I have pages and pages of things I have written in my lowest moments. I don't need to read them, I never showed them to anyone but by writing, it helped settle my thoughts for a short while.

x

EB, you sound depressed lovey. Things are coming at you from all angles. No sleep, two tinies, no help and no aprreciation from dh.

Homestart is a very good organisation designed for people like you. Please consider them, I believe they come and visit you in your home so you don't need to make an extra trip out anywhere, and you could do with some support. Also, would you consider anti-depressants? There is no shame in them. Anybody can get snowed under. It isn't a judgement on you that you are finding things difficult.

EB, how are things?

Sorry I've not written back to all your amazing replies. I've been flat out all day, it hasn't let up. BUT it has been a much better day. My mum came and did all the ironing, looked after DS while me and DD went out for a bit, made lunch... Also DD was gorgeous all day, stroking DS when he cried and really being loving towards me. She was like a different child. DH has said I can have a lie-in tomorrow - it seems like everyone has realised I was at breaking point!

I feel a lot better today. Thank god. But I know it will be hard again. I am thinking of ADs, but I didn't know about Homestart - thank you for the suggestion, I will ring them on Monday. I am just so scared of doing anything that seems like I'm not coping. If only the children weren't so young I would leave them both with someone and go somewhere for a day and a night. But I can't do that yet.

Thank you all for caring. It means so much.

UR, how did/do you get through the absolute black patches, the ones where you think of all the ways you could end it, and their pros and cons?

This is going to sound radical but bear with me.

Alarm bells rang when I read this bit:

"it doesn't seem to matter how I behave, he still flies off the handle at the slightest thing and blames me for shouting at him, being selfish, bringing him down..."

Womens' Aid would class that as abuse - he is systematically bullying you and verbally absuing you. That NEEDS dealing with - by him. If he doesn't sort it, it doesn't matter how much sleep you get or how much people help, it will be etching away at your foundations (of yourself and the relationship)

Please think about it - he needs help to address the way he speaks to you and treats you. YOU are not responsible for HIS mood and so what if you shout sometimes? You are tired and wrung out; unless of course you're always yelling and never just speak, but I am loathe to believe that.

where do you live EB?

Maybe we could do a meetup in your area.

Hope you have a nice weekend, and really hope you get some more help. I had 3 kids under the age of three when I was young. I very nearly went mad. It is hard work, and they say motherhood the most 'natural' thing in the world. Righty ho

I am glad you have had a better day. Those help to break the bleakness, even if only for a few hours. Enjoy those moments

You know I didn't make it through all the very dark patches unscathed. I will regret it for the rest of my life.

The only thing I can do now is remind myself that it will pass. It is a terrible, terrible thing, it feels like it will never end, and the feelings can be so overwhelming they are almost impossible to ignore. But I know they will eventually subside.

I had DBT therapy which really helped me learn how to get through a crisis - those very worst moments when you are very tempted to do something you know you shouldn't even think about.

Things I do to help:

• Eat properly - sounds silly, but it helps

• Sleep well - v hard sometimes. But I am convinced that sleep deprivation compounded the issue and pushed me over the edge

• Crisis survival/ distress tolerance skills

I can post more (or email) about crisis survival stuff if you like, EB but I have to dash out now. I don't think there is a magic solution though. It is often a case of biding your time and waiting it out. Which is, of course, almost impossible.

Would you meet up with another MNer like Lewis suggested?

Take Good Care x

EB - I sometimes think that what we all need to maybe do (and I know I'll be flamed for this) is. put down the computer. and use the energy that usually goes into MNing and such and direct that towards engaging fully, on their level with our children.

You said DD was gorgeous on the day you spent just you two together. That speaks for itself.

As for the abuse thing. If he is behaving as you say HE is being abusive. If you are behaving as he says YOU are being abusive. It means you both have issues that you need to work through. Plus sleep deprivation just heightens all the tenseness and stress. The children are knackered and so are you two.

It's not easy at all.

So much to take in here. Collision, I live in East London, but I feel a little weird at the thought of meeting Mumsnetters in real life! UR I will email you, just as soon as I get an interrupted moment. We have had a good day today. We're both trying our utmost to be kind to one another.

Am glad you had another good day, EB

No rush to email, I know you are busy but do keep in touch when you have a chance. Will be thinking of you. x

i couldnt let this pass.i have to agree with lewisfan-it sounds as if your dh is being abusive to you.the things you are saying remind me alot of me when i had 2 lo's and was with xp.i would think i'd got through the day ok but he would come and bring me down.'being nice to each other' was a constant effort,and more so from me than from him.so different to now,being in a healthy relationship where its perfectly ok to bite each others heads off when we are stressed with the kids,then apologise to each other later.

please take care of yourself.it is a million times easier to manage on your own then it is to manage with an abusive oh.

What's DBT therapy UR? Have had a good weekend. Spent some really concentrated time with DD this morning and it was really good for us. I've been missing her since DS was born!

Days are ok, nights feel dark. I know my relationship isn't healthy, but have no energy to do anything about it right now.

Keep enjoying the better times and remind yourself that the dark ones will pass. Eventually.

Here is a link to wiki's description of DBT. I'll post more when I can but it is based on CBT and focusses on managing suicidal ideation etc. It says it was developed for people with borderline personality but is also used in treating people with major depression, self-harming issues, eating-disorders, addictions etc

Hope things are not too awful this week.

x