Trying to understand ex's behavior. (Narc)

[Bunnytot]

I reached out to my ex boyfriend a few weeks ago to ask how he was. I shouldn't have done it as I've been trying to get over him for a while, he has always made it known that he would like to continue in a relationship with me but because he had cheated on me in the past and had slight narcissistic traits I felt I couldn't trust him and although do still love him, and am a bit trauma bonded, I didn't want to have a relationship with him. He always said he would be there if I needed him so felt ok about contacting him. My mum had been sick with cancer and I think I was feeling lonely and a bit needy which is why I reached out to him. After I contacted him we would message each other daily, he was really supportive and I actually really appreciated it. My mum then died two weeks ago and he continued to be really supportive throughout the funeral and even dropped shopping and flowers round at my house (we were only in communication by text so he left them in my porch) I sent him a message thanking him for the shopping and flowers, he said he would always be there for me and that I meant so much to him. Since then he hasn't me contacted me at all to see how I'm doing which I find really strange as he was being so supportive before, and it now more than ever that I feel I need the support. it's been a week. This man confuses me so much.. says he loves me but when I really need him he disappears. I'm now not only grieving my mum but in turmoil about what is going on with him.
I shouldn't have reached out to him but I don't have many friends and felt lonely.
I'm wondering if it's a narc game that he's playing?

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

Regarding your ex, it sounds to me like he has been as supportive as he was able to be. But this must be confusing for him too. If he still has feelings for you, he maybe wants to keep his distance and not get drawn back into a relationship that doesn’t work. Especially if he has a new relationship.

I think if you checked in on him he would likely reply. But think carefully about why you are reaching out to him and not friends or family. Are you wanting to get back together?

This is a man who cheated on you and you also say he has some traits you don’t like. It’s probably for the best if you can let him go and take comfort from friends and family instead.

💐

I shouldn't have done it as I've been trying to get over him for a while

He always said he would be there if I needed him so felt ok about contacting him

You need to decide which one of these is true because they can't both be. Either it was ok or it was unwise. I'm guessing it was unwise and you need to be grateful for the support you got and let him go again.

Thanks for your kind message. You are right, I need to move on and find comfort in family and friends.
I'm just so trauma bonded to him that I think I used my mum's illness as an excuse to contact him and I shouldn't have.
It's very difficult wanting someone that is not good for me. My mind is battling my heart and in a moment of weakness my heart won. I was craving comfort in the wrong place.

Thanks for your reply.
Yes, the whole situation is very contradictory. My head contradicting my heart and as you say, making unwise decisions in a weak moment.
It's so difficult, my mum was my main support and he was very good at pretending to be so I turned to him. I need to pull myself together.

I'm sorry for your loss, but don't let him pull you back to a bad place. Get a counsellor or find a bereavement group or something - just keep away from a man you know isn't good for you

Firstly 100% understand the relationship side of things. We’re in the same boat minus the cheating. He treated me badly would show up in timeS of need but I think I figured he only did that to make himself feel good. It’s been some months now, I still love him I still miss him and I’m still struggling. I haven’t reached out but he has. It’s a hard hard thing to go through

if I’ve learnt anything and whilst it goes against everything in me because I love to learn. There is NO point trying to understand his behaviour, trying to find logic or reason. There’s characters behave in a way that defies all sense, logic, basic decent and respect. How they do will never make sense and that’s a blessing. I don’t understand because I don’t treat people that way.

don’t waste your time trying to figure him out. I know how hard it can be and how long the days are. If you want to message me, you can. I’m happy to be a distraction and tbf you would help me too. My inbox is always open.

really so sorry about your mum, I’m limited here as I don’t understand your feelings here and I don’t want to patronise you with the empty words everyone says when people die. My ears are open if you want them xxx