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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Broken Engagement

5 replies

Rosa64 · 17/10/2024 15:54

My ex and I were on and off for a number of years, there were big red flags about our compatibility and I tried to end it several times... he would always guilt trip me back into it with fake promises etc. The last time i fell for it we moved in together, and our lives became so intertwined that I felt trapped. Instead of recognising this and walking away, I stayed put and tried to fix it because I was scared of starting over - he had effected my self esteem to the point that I didn't realise I was worthy of anything good. We then got engaged and I tried to plan a dream wedding in hope that that would fix things and I would feel happy, which then ended with him calling it all off. I was extremely shocked as I had completely resigned myself to this being the way it had to be, and felt so humiliated about letting my friends/family and myself down, but then very quickly felt relief. I met someone new quite quickly (without the intention of moving on so soon!) and I'm the happiest I've ever been, I didn't know compatibility or happiness like this was possible. We went on a date a month after my breakup, and took another 3 months before getting into a relationship. Why is it that I feel guilty and worry so much that people are judging and misunderstanding me? Everyone always assumes it's a rebound but really I wasn't happy in my last relationship, I was just too scared to do anything about it? The biggest issue for me was the lack of self esteem as that is what kept me in the unhappy relationship, and I am still working on that in therapy. Any advice to make me feel better, and less judged would be amazing...

OP posts:
twentysevendresses · 17/10/2024 15:56

Stop worrying about what other people think...and congratulations on moving forward with your life. Enjoy your new relationship and forget about the past 👌🏻

category12 · 17/10/2024 16:07

It doesn't really matter what other people think.

That said, if it's friends & family being worried about you, then it's probably coming from a good place rather than judgemental one? I would try to view it as them looking out for you rather than looking down on you, unless you have poor relationships with them.

You do need to be wary as it's quite common to repeat patterns and if your self esteem was shredded you may be vulnerable to someone not as great as he seems. Mirroring is a thing and too much too soon can be a red flag.

Only time will tell. Enjoy it 🙂

Rosa64 · 17/10/2024 16:13

category12 · 17/10/2024 16:07

It doesn't really matter what other people think.

That said, if it's friends & family being worried about you, then it's probably coming from a good place rather than judgemental one? I would try to view it as them looking out for you rather than looking down on you, unless you have poor relationships with them.

You do need to be wary as it's quite common to repeat patterns and if your self esteem was shredded you may be vulnerable to someone not as great as he seems. Mirroring is a thing and too much too soon can be a red flag.

Only time will tell. Enjoy it 🙂

Thank you - I definitely had my wits about me which is why I didn't want to jump straight into a relationship with him and leave it a good few months. We've been officially together for coming up to a year now and I'm still so so happy, but still worry so much about what everyone all thinks about me (which is also why I stayed in a toxic relationship, because I didn't want to disappoint them!). Self esteem is something I've struggled with my whole life (I experienced a traumatic, emotionally and physically abusive childhood and my parents relationship, although now divorced, was a terrible example). Therapy has been so helpful for me to understand my journey and my new partner has been absolutely incredible - so supportive and caring, yet we still have so much fun together - he's like my best friend. I just can't help but feel so worried about diverting from what society's expectations are when it comes to things like this and it makes me feel guilty for feeling happy?

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 22/10/2024 23:14

You're happy in your relationship - what other people think really doesn't matter. Most people aren't judging you or thinking about your life choices - they're too busy with their own stuff. If specific people judge you, let them! So what? You know you're happy and that's what matters. I would consider having some therapy if other people's opinions are really having such an effect on you. You can't control what other people think, you can only control your own reactions.

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 23/10/2024 20:17

It doesn't matter what people think happened.

You have your feelings and opinions, they're not wrong. People are too easy to judge on only hearing one side.

Don't feel guilty.

Turn that guilt into the idea that you'd never be that narrow-minded to judge 🙂 and pity those who judge.

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