Husband`s Enabling Behaviour

[ThisLoftyOliveHare]

Hi, everyone. I need some advice and a little venting space. I’ve been with my partner for seven years now, and we both came into a relationship with kids from previous marriages. I have two teenage daughters, and my husband has a 24-year-old son, who, to put it lightly, is causing some severe tension in our home.

Here’s the situation: My husband’s son has struggled with drug use for years, and unfortunately, he’s still using. He moved back in with us a few months ago, and it’s been a rollercoaster since then. He refuses to work or go to school, and he only sits in his room playing video games 24/7. When I say 24/7, I mean he’ll be up all night, sleep half the day, and then return to gaming. He doesn’t contribute anything around the house, and if we ask him to help with chores, he just shrugs it off or ignores us.

What’s worse is that my husband still supports him financially, buying him expensive gifts like gaming consoles and electronics. On top of that, he allows his son to bring cannabis into our home, which makes me super uncomfortable, especially with my daughters around. My husband justifies it by saying, “At least he’s doing it at home and not somewhere unsafe,” but to me, it feels like we’re enabling his behavior. I’ve tried talking to my husband about it multiple times, but it turns into an argument every time. He’s in denial about how serious the situation is and doesn’t seem willing to set any boundaries or expectations for his son.
I love my husband and want to support him, but I also feel like I’m losing control of our home. My daughters are noticing all of this, and it’s affecting them, too. I want to be patient and compassionate, but I’m reaching my limit. How do I balance supporting my husband and standing up for what suits our family?

If anyone’s been through something similar or has advice on handling this without causing more friction in our relationship, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for reading!

What kind of drugs is he using? You only mention cannabis.

It's your home as well OP and you have an equal say over what goes on. Have a chat with your husband and discuss what you want to happen.

I would want him to contribute towards the bills, keep the place clean and stop smoking cannabis in the house.I would also expect my husband to speak to him and give him a time limit.

Anything he can get his hands on.

I wouldn't want a hard drug user in the house. I presume your husband is giving him money to buy drugs. You obviously need to talk to him.

Yes your DH is enabling him.
It's perfectly reasonable to not want drugs brought unto your home. Especially when you have your DD's welfare to think about.
Have you sought any help over his drugs issue? The NHS website is quite helpful and lists organisations that can give advice and support to the families of drug users.

He is 24. Stop your husband treating him like a child, your husband is enabling him to live a life that will not help him in the long run, probably even lead to his early death or a life of crime. You need to protect your children too. You step son needs to be told in no uncertain terms it is time for him to stand (or fall) on his own two feet. But I think you already know that. Your husband needs to see that, or you need to make some bigger decisions for yourself and your children. Good luck.

He's an adult drug addict. Enabling him won't change that. He won't recover unless and until he hits bottom, and in the meantime he's a danger to the rest of you. This would be a complete deal breaker for me.

You need to protect your girls--tell dh that either he goes or you do.

I think start by asking your H what he hopes for his son, how he sees the way forward for him, and then how he sees the situation affecting you and your DDs. When he’s told you all this, you will have more of a handle on how to proceed; it would be different if he refuses to acknowledge that it has anything to do with you and says your role is to shut up and support him, or if he admits that it’s a problem that affects the three of you as well as his son and him and that you should have a say in deciding what to do.

Time for him to move out. He’s an adult and needs to stand on his own 2 feet. Give him a deadline of 2/3 months to get a job and find a room to rent. Non-negotiable.

My dad enables my brothers and it’s so frustrating; he’s not doing them any favours.

He might not be getting it right but in his own way your husband is prioritising his son. Your priority is your daughters. Thats an irreconcilable difference. I don't think you can get through this together.

@ThisLoftyOliveHare

You have a husband problem. Do you both own your home? You say the son (24) doesn't go to school so I assume you're not in the UK? So you mean college, he will be kicked out if he doesn't attend.

Anyway, I would be removing myself and my kids from this situation pronto, it will only get worse.

You’re absolutely right, your DH is enabling him. To be brutally honest he’s keeping him sick, by not setting boundaries and not letting him feel the consequences of his poor choices. Your stepson has no incentives to recover, when his dad is doing for him, what an adult should be doing for themselves.

When my eldest was using drugs, we made him leave our house. Our home had become a war zone, rather than a sanctuary. Also we had to safeguard our younger children. For today, our eldest is living a normal life and understands why we had to use tough love.

I get support from www.famanon.org.uk They are a 12 step programme for the families who have a loved one with a suspected drug problem. They have a helpline, literature, a forum, UK wide meetings including Zoom meetings.