In laws commenting on purchases

[Happiestwhen]

My in laws are quite tight with their money but seem to place a lot of importance on holidays and dining. As in they value these things above anything else so spend a lot on these but scrimp on everything else even though they are far from poor.
My issue is that anything we buy they have an opinion on. I bought a new stroller as our other single one broke. We have a double also but I wanted something light for baby when older dc is in preschool. Mil sniped when she saw it "what did you buy a new buggy for, you already have a double one"
It's like this for anything we buy. The family all have to have their say on whether we need said item or not. Why can't they just say something nice instead of constantly sniping about everything? Our finances are none of their business. My family would never intervene like this- frankly because they know it's none of their business. How do I tell them to back off and can anyone give any insight as to why they even care? Sometimes I feel like it's jealousy as mil says they struggled when their dc were young
Surely this doesn't mean we need to live the same way?

No , they are nosy and notice everything new in the house when they call. I am a closed book, I tell them nothing 😆

troll them back and have fun with it

new pram / dolls house / diamond tiara?

your super wealthy friend gave it to you…
you found it on vinted for £3…
you won it in a competition…

aren’t you just SO lucky???

also suck your teeth at all their dinners and holidays 😅

Shut her down: "You have your spending priorities and we have ours." Then refuse to discuss further. And DO NOT discuss finances/salaries, etc. with her at all. Don't give her any ammunition.

Yep!
If they still blather on, you could suddenly have a need to put the bins out or collect up the cups and do some washing up. Leave them talking to themselves.
If you can't escape, just stare into space and tune them out. They'll get no satisfaction from carping at you if it doesn't land.

My philosophy is they work hard so it’s up to them how they spend their money.

I'd pretend I'd misheard. "You're right, it is lovely and I am glad we bought it."

How do I tell them to back off?
I think honestly you answered this one a few lines earlier when you said 'Our finances are none of their business'. Just say that - 'Our finances are none of your business' - every time. Try to keep any emotion out of it so they don't accuse you of being rude or confrontational or anything, but just use the same phrase each time.

Best trick I learnt years ago, is SILENCE. When someone makes a comment, say nothing for at least 5 seconds. Let the comment fall slowly to the ground, as though she’s spoken in an empty room.

Then carry on with whatever you were talking about. The silence is surprisingly obvious.

Or do what I did with my critical MIL - simply pretend she’s said what you’d like her to have said. It really works, believe me!

MIL: why on earth did you buy that pushchair when you already have one?
YOU: I know, I loved the colour! It’ll be so handy to have a single!

MIL: why would you go to X restaurant, it’s so overpriced and the food is crap
YOU: I know, and such a wonderful atmosphere! We’re so looking forward to it.

Every time they say something say "well, we don't waste money on expensive holidays or dining out so that we can afford to buy things that we really want".

“It’s our money, we can do what we want.”

Repeat the exact same line, every time.

My MIL used to tut loudly when we said we were going on holiday and give us a disgusted look.
She'd then say something like "Well SIL and BIL spend all their money on their cars".
I think she was jealous on behalf of her daughter who married a man who couldn't keep a job so was short of money. I never understood why she was like that.

This is what I do! in laws commented on some garden furniture we bought so I said “ah well I got it for £50! Bargain!”

She was silenced - just like that.

Another time, “oooooh look at your VERY posh new sofa! What was wrong with the old one?”

…..”Yeah gorgeous isn’t it! I got it half price!”

and I never say how or where I bought things. I’m just vague and mysterious and it really works.

I love being a disgraceful liar, it’s fabulous. I’ve gone from feeling angry and hating them all to finding it hilarious and enjoying it!

This is brilliant (especially if you can channel the Dead Ringers actor who does Liz Truss on the “I knooooooooow!”). How does she respond @Derbee ?

the answer in your First post
"Why can't ^You^ just say something nice instead of constantly sniping about everything?"

MIL was /is basically jealous.
Married young, no money but very comfortable from their 50s. BIl divorced in his late 40s MIL was horrified at him and SIL setting up two comfortable, not do uppers, homes. She literally couldn't see that starting over in your 40s wasn't like starting from scratch in your 20s.

The in laws have always been penny wise, pound foolish. Always buy second hand white goods that need multiple replacing, car boot items that need so much fixing you could have bought new. Jealous of my brand new wedding present sharp knives.But went out and dropped thousands in hideous blingy Dubai jewellery. The Dubai trips have all been that awkward done on the cheap but turned out to be ridiculously expensive.

I absolutely go for the silent, non responsive pause, subject change but then brood about it for years !

@SomePig the first couple of times she repeated herself exactly, so I did too 😂

The restaurant one is an actual quote. She said “no, I said the food is crap and it’s really expensive” so I said “I know! Thanks! we’re really looking forward to it!”

Now she just ignores me when it happens. Although, we’re a few years into the routine and her conversation with me is actually much better now. She’s often rude and judgey with other people, but doesn’t do it to me anymore, so it’s worked!

These are excellent strategies! Silence is best if they're just thoughtless and pipe up. The other strategy is perfect if they're genuinely getting at you.

"Just out of interest <MIL> did your parents or in-laws comment negatively on everything you purchased for your family too? I wouldn't dream of commenting on all your lovely holiday and meals out. We all make different choices and I hope you enjoy and get as much benefit from your trips away as I do from X"

My FIL does this! Says the parking will be a nightmare if you go to this or that place. Or you’ve used the car a lot already this year. Absolutely ridiculous and none of his business!!!

Mine does this. Says you won’t find parking there or similar. Or that we’ve used the car a lot this year already!

My family would never intervene like this- frankly because they know it's none of their business.

You have had a completely different family experience to your DH. Accept that it is their normal, but not yours and ignore them/develop some standard responses and the ability to detach from it.

Your DH needs to stop responding to any bossiness from them and actively push back against that. Maybe a frank “i’ve grown up now and so should you”

Unless your finances are impacting MIL - IE, if you are constantly borrowing from her because you are overspending - then it really is none of her business.
I would tell her, I love spending money on my kids, isn't it great that your grandkids are so well looked after?!

Buy as many strollers as you want and need! We had loads of different ones for different uses and functions. My husband counted them all up once all there had been 9 for 2 kids!

Don't ever tell them you've purchased anything.

Just come up with a series of ever more implausible events which led to you procuring new items. And recount it very casually with a straight face.

Ie. "Oh no we didn't BUY that pushchair. Dave found it chained to a tree at the park, so we hooked it on the towbar, pulled, and voilà, new buggy"

"Of course I didn't WASTE MONEY on a new outfit just for work!!! Silly! I found this jacket on the bus. The trousers were a handmedown from the lollipop lady, and the shoes were dangling on an electric wire so I just popped up and got them down. All in my size too, lucky!" Etc etc

Your DH needs to enforce some boundaries here.

You are both adults, and what you buy is none of your judgemental in-laws business.

They need reminding of this, or it will just get worse.