How to recover from traumatic relationships in isolation

[justbrilliantatlife]

So my question is just this. Unhappy marriage, led to very bad separation where I naively thought we could move on in a way that would not impact the children. That was a mistake and a big one. Several years on, so much harm has been done to the mental health of my family- but now mostly to me in the aftermath of trying to resolve many things.

Having tried to navigate a very abusive situation where I could not escape from daily conflict and keep it all going I've been diagnosed with adjustment disorder and ptsd, worsened after some ill advised short relationships that I should never have embarked on. I just didn't know how vulnerable I was until it was too late.

The hardest thing now is that I can see with some heartbreak that I was desperately lonely and trying to move forward in a very unhealthy way, without enough support or friends. The friends I had have now made themselves scarce due to the spiral of my mental health and how it played out.

I'm starting trauma treatment and still living with my ex DH due to financial difficulties and the fact I have not been coping well in the last six months to a year. Some of this is very much down to him and he refuses to take any responsibility for it. Bottom line is now I'm broken, trying to get work, trying to get support, trying to put on a brave face for my children and it's a lot when the external stresses are way too much (can't say what but various legal challenges that are terrifying).

I have a few friends who are supportive but I do go for days without speaking to anyone or leaving the house. It feels impossible to take the advice people give of oh go and join a club or hobby etc. I'm just not able to act or be normal and I feel completely alone and frightened.

I don't know what I am asking for, but some hope that this is a phase and how to find support when I trust few people at the moment.

Thanks for reading

That sounds awful OP. I'm living with my ex as we get the divorce progressing but the light at the end of the tunnel is knowing I will have my own house at some point in the future. Can you stay with family for a while?

Also if you think anxiety meds eg antidepressants might work, give them a go. I'm on two in combination and also HRT as I went through early menopause. I couldn't cope without them.

Hello @Goldenmemories I have started on a different SSRI to the one I was one at a low dose for years. It's only been a few weeks so it's early days I know. Also HRT, and adhd meds. The fear hits mid afternoon and I start to feel despair and panic and no one to talk to.

We had money. Now we don't. A small pension on his part. Assets gone for more awful reasons than I can say here. I'm so frightened I can't even sit down to work out a budget or try to plan a life. I just go round and round with all of it and cannot think my way out of a mess that has brought me to my knees. I've pushed everyone away with neediness and mental health issues that have made me look unstable. And I was. Trusted people I now know were not able to handle it.

I just want to feel safe.

To answer your question about family, no. My dad is about to have another major heart surgery and they live in a tiny house where there is no space and id feel even more trapped and anxiety about my children. I'm still keeping the house going as ever, if I didn't it would be far worse for them. My ex is working all day from home and won't leave to work outside for reasons of money. And so I have no space at all from anyone and spend the day trying to keep up with domestic stuff but failing and the laundry (clean) is piled up and I can't seem to get a fucking grip. Even opening post is a challenge. Until I get a job and some financial independence I don't see how I can change anything. But I'm not well enough to work and it's just this vicious cycle of living in a house with someone who just doesn't give a shit and I'm like a domestic slave.

Contact women’s aid for advice because I’d imagine living with your ex who sounds abusive isn’t helping your mental health. Getting your own place would probably be the best thing to do. You are too sick to work so you should be entitled disability benefits and have your rent paid at least in part. What mental health support are you receiving other than medication? Do you see a therapist? Do you have a support worker? Are you seeing a CPN regularly? What local mental health support charities could you self refer to? Could you call a mental health phone line to speak to someone when you’re feeling low, anxious or overwhelmed? Mind have a list of helplines you can call.

Perhaps for now, you could employ them “How to eat an elephant” philosophy. So, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. So, if you get up out of bed, congratulate yourself. Celebrate every win, no matter how small. If you manage to prepare and eat breakfast, congratulate yourself again. If you manage a shower and to get some clothes on, congrats again. Decide to put one item of clothing away from your clean pile. If you feel ok after doing 1 item, see if you fancy doing one more. One bite at a time. Don’t look at the whole task, break it down into smaller bite sized chunks. And congratulate yourself after every one completed. Instead of thinking too far ahead, think on the now and immediate task at hand. Start small and slowly build. Call a helpline from mind every time you start to feel you need support. That’s what they’re there for. Make use of them. You sound like you’re having a really tough time but with support you can get to a better place.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

My main issue is one of privacy. I don't feel like I have anywhere to safely have a personal or private conversation even though he says he's not listening. I don't feel safe or able to. He won't listen, he won't leave the house other than to do the school run or the odd dog walk. I feel so imprisoned. I have a private therapist booked for next week but I can't afford it. I sent my private diagnosis to the GP and she gave me ADs abs sent a referral for talking therapy. But when I try and explain or talk about the many many issues - it makes me worse and brings ir all up. I'm on UC, had a capability assessment sent but never did it. Have a fit note. I don't know what else. I should try and find out. I have a SAFE woman coming on Friday, but she is only interested in seeing the kids and I don't want to upset or frighten them anymore. I need help for ME.

This sounds awful OP, lm so very sorry you are suffering. @TipsyJoker has given you good advice, please try to follow as much of it as you can.
I think first and foremost contact Womens Aid for support and see if they can advise on how you can find somewhere you and your children can live separately from your abusive partner. You say your main issue is privacy, you will feel so much calmer away from him, especially as he never leaves the house, treats you like a domestic slave and listens in on any calls etc.
I would also try a different therapist, perhaps talk about one thing at a time if you feel overwhelmed. It can be hard but will be worth it to be able to examine your issues in a safe supportive space.