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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband is always tired to have sex.

4 replies

Camsi · 16/10/2024 14:34

Hello everyone,
I’m writing this post hoping for some kind of comfort. I constantly feel lost. I’ve reached a point where I don’t know what to do.

I’ll try to make it short. My husband (36 years old) doesn’t like to have sex often. Once a month is enough for him, and if I try more than once a month, he loses his erection.
Two months ago, we were at a bar, and I asked him to us to leave (to go back to the hotel where we were staying) so we could be intimate. He started getting nervous, asking why I was bringing up that topic and saying that I was ruining the night and that I should say when I wanna have sex, that I just go for it. We fought and almost broke up that day. Since then, we haven’t had sex—it’s been two months (we’ve been arguing a lot during this time though). This week, I tried initiating something for three days in a row, and he rejected me, saying he was tired. I asked to see his testosterone test results (which he claims are fine), but he didn’t want to show them.

To sum it up, he’s always tired! We don’t have sex when we go to spas, when we travel, or even at home. I believe his testosterone is low, and he may be embarrassed. He used to watch porn and use nicotine, but he stopped a year ago.

I’m very frustrated. Where is all this tiredness coming from? I’m left with only one conclusion: low testosterone.
He also says that because we fight a lot, he doesn’t feel like having sex with me.
We have been married for 4 years and I am 28yo.

Thank you all for any kind of help.

OP posts:
smallsilvercloud · 16/10/2024 14:40

To be brutally honest it sounds like he's lost his sexual attraction to you, this could be as he says, you are arguing a lot as if he's checked out but hasn't wanted to end things. Whether can be salvaged is down to if he wants to try and get back to a more positive relationship or not.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 16/10/2024 14:48

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I have been in the same situation as you and the way you are left feeling by the rejection is awful. I think many many guys wish their partners were desiring them the way you do your husband.
Firstly try to remember this is not about you. He is the one with the issue. Whether it be his physical health or an issue in his head. Ultimately you need to make a decision how you manage this situation and your feelings and needs going forward.

Your choices are fairly straightforward, make him face into it. Medical tests, openness of discussion, possibly counselling individually or as a couple to work through this, or you decide it is not worth it split /divorce and move on. Or seek what you need elsewhere and take the risk that this places on your relationship.
Or if you feel your marriage is worth the sacrifice, just accept as it is and move on. Sorry there are no easy answers.
While you may not be having sex is he intimate with you in other ways? Does he still kiss you passionately? Or is the relationship lacking that too?

Pinkbonbon · 16/10/2024 15:12

Are you sure he's stopped watching porn?
Because this smacks of him losing interest in you because he's been watching more and more extreme shit.

Is it possible he could be cheating?
I know this sounds like an awful leap but... I had a gut feeling you should get a sexual health test. Maybe the reason he wouldn't show you his test results is because they tested for other things too... and it's on the paperwork.

My first thought before you mentioned porn was - gay. But that's probably not it. Unless that's the sort of porn he was into.

Embarrassment over erectile dysfunction could be it. But...I mean that's awful childish for a marriage. You should be able to talk easily about these things. Which makes me think it's something ge doesn't want you to know because, well, it's not ok.

Feel like I went through the whole possibility checklist there. But hey, they're common leaps for a reason.

Camsi · 16/10/2024 15:30

Pinkbonbon · 16/10/2024 15:12

Are you sure he's stopped watching porn?
Because this smacks of him losing interest in you because he's been watching more and more extreme shit.

Is it possible he could be cheating?
I know this sounds like an awful leap but... I had a gut feeling you should get a sexual health test. Maybe the reason he wouldn't show you his test results is because they tested for other things too... and it's on the paperwork.

My first thought before you mentioned porn was - gay. But that's probably not it. Unless that's the sort of porn he was into.

Embarrassment over erectile dysfunction could be it. But...I mean that's awful childish for a marriage. You should be able to talk easily about these things. Which makes me think it's something ge doesn't want you to know because, well, it's not ok.

Feel like I went through the whole possibility checklist there. But hey, they're common leaps for a reason.

Edited

Really good point!

Thank you very much for answering🙏

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