Grandparents unfair treatment

[Mafsmad]

Two kids both started school in same year so now have holidays off.

Grandparents are only visiting one during half terms/holidays to look after them.

It's not even the childcare that's the issue, it's the lack of quality time not spent with one set of grandkids that is hurtful and being told they can't come visit at all.

This keeps happening and at what point do you just say f you and walk away/low contact! My child asks when can they see grandparents and it is breaking my heart to not be able to tell them when. Only time they see us is if we travel to them but they will travel past us to go visit other grandchildren. Have had to lie to my child about that grandparents live too far away to visit us regularly... Even though they visit other grandchildren regularly.

Feeling so sad for my children

Is there a reason they visit or help out with the other GC? Are they more in need of support? Do the adults have issues with each other?

Not necessarily in need of more support but they say they need help to be able to work as they don't have it on their agenda to pay for childminder/after school clubs so they expect both sets of grandparents to step up and cover this for them.

But it's the hurtfulness that they then can't see us for one of the weekends either side of half term or just one day or even lunch? They are driving past us....

Classic golden child and scapegoat situation but it's now having an impact on our children. It feels drastic to walk away as the rest of the family will "side" with them and therefore it feels like our children lose their cousins etc.

Are one set of dgc dh's and one sil's?

Yes

Sound like knobs.

If it's any consolation my DB and I were treated differently to cousins when growing up...it hasn't had a lasting impact at all! I forsee that my ILs will treat my DC less than future cousins (that aren't even born yet but MIL has made comments already!) and I sure as hell will make sure it doesn't affect them!

Ming boggling behaviour!

Do you both live close to gp?

Maybe other parents are more proactive in arranging visits etc?

My mother made no secret of which grandchildren she liked and which she disliked. She's dead now and I don't miss her a single bit.

Thankfully my dc were only go's on my side so no issues. On ex's side grandmother really wasn't bothered about being a grandmother, and distance meant we couldn't really complain she was helping other grandkids more, when in fact she was neglecting them even when she did childcare in my opinion. Divorced parents on that side and the grandfather favoured the new family to the extreme.

Just accept the kids are your responsibility not grandparents, makes it easier to deal with

@redtrain123 Not close but we live closer. Have tried to be proactive and basically said let us know when you can come visit. Then they seem to only be able to offer us dates where they are already planned to see the others and we have to fit around that or they won't come. They won't just pick a weekend that they are free to see us.. we get the scrap dates that fit around the others. E.g. a weekday night on their way through. The others get whole weekend and half terms.

@CookieMonster28 how do you think you'll be able to do that. If you have any ideas that will be good please. I've tried to keep conversations quite light when children ask about when are we doing to see grandparents (after they've been told on video calls that oh we saw your cousins last week or we are going to your cousin's next week). At the moment too young to realise the distance so I've just said oh it's too far for them to visit us all the time. And we will go visit them soon (but it makes me resent doing a long drive when they won't do it for us)

@mitogoshigg as I say it's not about childcare or responsibility. We have planned all childcare cover with AL or paying for childminder. It's the lack of effort to want to see them.

Have you spoken to the grand-parents and explained how you view the situation? That you feel you/your family are an 'after thought'?

If it's your parents, I would suggest you have a conversation with them about the situation and ask them how they plan to resolve it. If it's your husband's parents, I'd get him to ask the questions.

What a surprise…

It's very hurtful. I'd speak to them and explain how you all feel .

Yes it’s annoying but how much do you need them? Why not invite for birthday parties and set clear dates for them? If they bypass these, I’d step back. You won’t change them. I get it feels horrible but are there other grandparents? Invite them to anything at school and any event dc are taking part in. See how much they refuse and take it from there.

This is so sad. My ILS are a bit useless but my mum, bless her, has 8 gc age range 6-26 from her 3 daughters, and she ties herself in knots still making sure they're all loved and treated the same!

You recognise that there is a "Classic golden child and scapegoat situation" here. Sorry, but now you need to recognise that DH's parents' behaviour will never change. Offspring of scapegoats are scapegoats too.

You can't change them, but you can change your expectations. I think you believe that if only you can find the right words to say, the right time to say them, that his parents will miraculously realise the error of their way and spontaneously change. You have to stop holding on to that hope. You have to deal with them as they are - a pair of selfish narcissistic wankers who don't deserve to have you or your wonderful children in their shallow little lives.

You don't have to walk away, nothing so dramatic. They will fade all by themselves. Just stop initiating the contact, that's all it will take.

How big is the rest of the family who will "side" with them? Are we talking DH's grandparent, aunts, uncles, cousins - or just his sister /BIL?

How will anyone even know to side with them, if you just let it fade? Will MIL/FIL even realise? If they do, what is their reaction likely to be? Yes they could badmouth you, but they could also just shrug.

I think you may be overestimating the value to your children of maintaining contact with their cousins. And underestimating the negative value such grandparents could have on them too. Growing up, they will be able to see for themselves the blatant favouritism at play. It might be wiser to insulate them from DH's parents behaviours. Children have a tendency to blame themselves if anyone is bad to them. It's worth not exposing them to that risk.

I’m not sure grandparents always realise what they are doing. I would say not attending a birthday would be a big deal. Not coming to lunch at a random weekend isn’t that much of a snub. I would make sure DH tells them they are expected and he should be clear about expectations. If they don’t respond, maybe talk to Sil? Maybe organise a day out for all of you? Can your DH not facilitate this?

Dysfunctional families do not play by the normal rules of family relations. The grandparents think they’ve done nothing wrong here and talking to them will achieve nothing. SIL has got skin in the game here as the favoured golden child sibling so will not want to assist. The grandparents will continue to favour the golden child and their family. The golden child role is also not without price either though she is unaware of this.

OP

Your husband grew up in this family bring the scapegoat so as a result his family unit ie you people get scapegoated as well. If your parents are ok further concentrate your resources on them. Leave his narcissistic family of origin well alone.

@WhereYouLeftIt and @AttilaTheMeerkat thank you both. I think this is what I need to accept and just let it fade. It is hard to not understand why they can't love our children just as much as other grandchildren. It is their loss I guess it just feels like our children are losing out but they won't know any difference if we let it fade.