Recovering from stress/narcissistic abuse/body issues

[40andtryingtoimprove]

I am not sure if this is the right place to post this!

I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 20 years, I am 4 years out. Two secondary aged boys together.

i feel like I should be happy and care free but the narcissist still affects me and with his selfish attitude. An example is this week I am unwell and off work, it is my sons first parents evening at secondary school. His father refuses to take him, said it is too much to go to a 5.30pm parents evening and cook dinner (sons tell me his dad never cooks his new girlfriend always cooks for them or he buys a takeaway). I shouldn’t let the stress get to me but it does and I overthink and worry a lot. Plus incidents like this bring back the old hurtful memories of when we were together and he did nothing to help with the children. Almost like it’s beneath him and he shouldn’t have to do the dogs body work.

the problem I’m having is the last year since I’ve turned 40 I have been so run down and have constant body aches. I seem to injure myself so easily I am not sure if this is my age or years of being stressed. I started walking to improve my health, I then get tendon problems. I join the gym, I hurt my knee. I’m also addicted to sugar, as soon as we argue with ex husband or I feel sad or have a stressful day I reach for the biscuit tin. I just feel totally worn out and don’t know how to recover.

i want to be a healthy happy version of me but I’m always rushing the kids around or working, feeling tired and run down.

does anyone have ideas of small steps to improve my health? At the moment even my wrists hurt typing this out. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like a weak, ageing mess at the moment 😢

I feel like I wanted to post this in health rather than relationships but just can’t find the most relevant place to post.

I left an abusive relationship a few years ago - my hair was falling out and I lost a lot of weight very quickly through stress.

Online yoga helps me, specifically somatic exercise/yoga as that helps with trauma. There are a lot of videos on YouTube x

allofthelightsss Thank you that sounds great. I had been looking at a weekly Pilates class near me, it seems costly but was thinking it might be a good start.

i hope things have improved for you over time, especially with the hair loss. I have had the opposite with the weight and have gained a stone with comfort eating.

Sometimes trauma can manifest as physical symptoms. There is plenty of evidence through studies completed that proves this fact. Pilates sounds like a good way to go because it will give you core strength and you said you were feeling weak. Also, you could be approaching menopause. It might be a good idea to visit the GP and have that checked. You could also have an iron or vitamin deficiency, especially if you’re tired all the time. So get a full blood count done.
From what you’ve said, you’re displaying signs of emotional eating as a coping mechanism, specifically sweet foods. So, it might be useful to have some CBT to learn new, healthier coping strategies. Perhaps next time you feel like hitting the biscuit tin you could go for a walk. This is be healthier, won’t be too high impact for your joints and will release endorphins to boost your sense of well being.

Go to YouTube and search Debbie Mirza narcissism. Watch some stuff on there. She’s very good. Also, learn the grey rock method. Limit contact as much as possible. The safest contact with an abuser is none but I realise when you have children it complicates that.

Finally, well done for recognising you need some support and reaching out. Do you have friends/family you can talk to? If so, reach out to someone you trust. Narcissistic abuse is one of the worst kinds of abuse and can take a long time to get over. You’ll get there.

You might benefit from reading books such as the Body keeps the score, and the Body says no. there is a good website called Out of the FOG for dealing with narcissists also. I wish you well.

I had a bit of a breakdown last year. Before that, I had mysterious long-term aches and pains in my knee, back, shoulder, arm and neck. I would try stretching, exercises, yoga, pilates, chiropractor, painkillers. It's all disappeared now...

tipsyjoker thank you for the reply. I had also thought I could be approaching menopause too, my cycles are now shorter and I have awful pmt. This is worse when I am under stress though so the pmt could be linked more to stress.

i have family and friends but I think that they all think I’m coping just fine as I’m in a new relationship. Maybe I should confide in them how much I’m struggling.

orangesandlemons77 thank you I will check out that website

hoppyfish I hope you are feeling better now 🤗

At 40 you’re not old and should be feeling good physically outside of any serious health problems. You might have to go cold turkey on biscuits and give the biscuit tin to a charity shop. Sugar is terrible for inflammation, which is what random aches and pains are. Making good habits and losing the weight now will be much easier than in 10 years time.