Sorry this is long to avoid drip feds!
I've been feeling a lot of insecurities coming up and I can't work out if this is just a me problem and past stuff, or if it's thoughtless things current bf is doing/not doing that is a genuine issue.
I was married for a long time and have dc. I lived with mental and emotional abuse for many years til I got away from ex husband. He also had emotional affairs, so I know that this is a tricky issue for me. Been divorced nearly 5 years, had counselling, felt strong and confident, had a relationship for nearly a year which ended as he wanted to be more serious and I do not want to get re-married, then shortly after that ended I met my current bf. Been with him around 18 months.
Current bf has never been married or even lived with a partner. I think his longest relationship was around 2 years but that was in his mid 20s. We are both 40s and he was with his most recent ex for about a year and a bit.
He's lived abroad in many different countries, and still loves to travel to fairly exotic places. I am settled as I have the dc, and although I love to travel, it has to be short European breaks as I can't leave my dc for too long. He has not met my dc as yet. It's something we've discussed but while I'm feeling uncertain about bf, it's not happening any time soon.
My bf has tons of friends from different areas of his life, such as uni friends, childhood friends, sport group friends, other sport group, extended family, work friends etc. This means he is always super busy trying to keep up with all his groups. I am only free 1 night per weekend usually, but he does usually make an effort to be free for me on that night. However the past few months he's had lots going on, including joining yet another sporting group that has had various overnight events on most weekends since July, so it's been tricky and we've barely seen each other. He has come round for a couple of hours after work for example, or I've gone to his for dinner, but he's not made any effort to plan and secure weekend dates with me like he used to do. He also used to do romantic things like bring me flowers etc, but that hasn't happened since the very early days. His focus seems to be on everything else he's got going on.
A lot of his strongest friendships are with female friends. I haven't met the ones he has known the longest because they all live abroad. I've met a few of the others who are in the UK, some were friendly and some not so welcoming - they knew his ex quite well, so it was a bit awkward. I don't think he is flirty or inappropriate with any of them, but over the last 6 months he has taken several trips to meet the female friends living abroad. As in about 6 different events and trips all around the world, majority of them to see female friends.
I was originally invited on one trip to a country where he used to live but it didn't work out. In that case he stayed at this particular woman's flat. She has a serious live in partner and according to my bf, there's never been anything remotely romantic between them. However I feel he prioritised her dates and availability over mine, so he'd said things to me like 'when we go to X country I'll take you to this place, that restaurant etc etc' and then when it came to it, he booked dates in conference only with her and presented them to me, I just couldn't do them. So I felt quite disappointed and let down.
He's soon taking another, much longer trip with her and another 2 female friends, 1 he knows and 1 who he doesn't. I was apparently invited too but it's for over 3 weeks, flights very expensive and not a country I'd want to go to, even if I did have the time and money spare.
I get that he has every right to go on these trips, he has no dc or ties except scheduling time off work, of course he should have these experiences while he can. But it means he'll have no money or leave to do anything with me if we wanted to go away. He's having these amazing experiences which I support... but with other women. Because of my past issues I don't know if it's just the fact it's a female friend, would I feel like this too if it were his male friends? Is this something we can navigate, or is it pointless continuing a relationship where our lives and priorities are so different?
The other thing I just can't seem to forget is that in his most recent past relationship before me, he took her for a nice romantic weekend away for Christmas and other trips away too. I know rationally back then he had a much better paid job and no mortgage, but I still feel a bit like 'well he must not love me as much' as when we go out it's always 50/50 on the bill, certainly no trips coming my way. He did get me a thoughtful, small gift for my birthday but nothing that in any way compares to the weekends he arranged for his ex. I am not wanting expensive things and have my own money, but I guess it just makes me feel second best, as he put all that thought and effort into something lovely for her but hasn't for me.
I was due to go with him on a city break last month as his friend offered us a place to stay for free, but my flights were too expensive due to my working days and dc arrangements. But bf had grabbed a bargain return flight as he has more flexibility. At no point did he offer anything towards my flights to make the trip happen, which I would have done in his position if the situation was reversed. And I know he used to fly his ex out to visit as they were long distance towards the end of their relationship. So he went out on his own, and of course was hanging out with female friends yet again. As far as I know, nothing romantic, but still out for one on one walks, dinners and drinks, he told me how one of the nights was spent with this friend confiding in him about how lonely she felt being single and so on...made my spidey senses tingle a bit with that one. He's quite naive and genuinely can't flirt to save his life, but still. I don't have male friends like this (the ones I had all hit on me when I left ex husband, so I cooled friendships with them).
And because of what I went through with my ex, it's all quite deeply entrenched for me. I was never 'allowed' to have any kind of negative feelings or objections to my ex's awful behaviour, even when he was forming inappropriate close friendships with other women, so I'm trying to figure this out in myself. I don't want to push bf away because of old unresolved triggers but also I don't want to be taken for a mug. Am I overreacting and getting jealous over nothing or is this just weird/disinterested behaviour from him? Can anyone give my head a wobble and kick up the arse or am I justified in feeling uncertain like this?