Getting used to life as single parent

[Crazylife38]

Hi all my partner walked 0ut on us nearly a month ago says he's sick of the bull the bull being him disappearing to early hours and the day he moved out he disappeared the afternoon and never came home . There's been a few arguments because of him kicking off but things have calmed down now. I'm wanting to apply for cms but I don't no his new address and he won't tell me! He's currently self employed . He won't contribute or anything towards out ds . Is there anyway they can find him ? Also I have tried to sort out set days for him to pick up our ds but he said no because of work , he seems to think he can video call our ds or pick him up whenever he wants which is everyday if I say no he calls me spiteful because he left me 🤦‍♀️ has anyone else had a pain ex partner and can offer some advice ?

Firstly, he needs to contribute financially, contact CM for advice if he won't tell you his address.

Secondly you and LO will benefit from regular consistent contact, ask him.what pattern works for him (preferably in writing ie email or text) and if he doesn't respond then you decide and share with him. If he doesn't agree then he can go to court at his expense and they will also be looking for a regular pattern.

Regarding facetime I think that's fine, personally as it is good to have that regular communication with kids/parents.

Nspcc used to have some good advice, worth a look and you can share the links with him

First, only communicate with him in writing, so email or text. No phone calls. If he phones you cancel the call and text saying you won’t accept calls from now on, only messages. This way you have a record of everything said and he can’t go to court and argue that you’re spiteful and trying to prevent contact. WhatsApp is good because you can export the chat and keep it for your records or screen shot. Second, ask him again in writing his address because you will need to know where your child is if he has them overnight at any point. What would happen if you had to collect your child due to unforeseen circumstances? You need to know his address. He’s being obstinate because you’ve not bent to his will and he’s trying to control and punish you through making getting contact arrangements difficult and not contributing financially to the raising of his child. This is coercive control and financial abuse. Thinking he can turn up every day whenever he feels like it is unacceptable and unworkable. Again it’s a way to control your life. Your child needs consistent, reliable contact. I get the feeling he’s not been a great Dad or partner with his behaviour. So keep everything in writing. Keep a record of everything.

As mentioned by pp, contact cms and tell them he won’t give you his address. They have ways of finding out. Also, if he works mon-Fri, I would suggests every second weekend Fri to Sunday evening or Monday morning and a night during the week after work either overnight or for a few hours if he starts too early for an overnight. A court would see this as perfectly reasonable. It’s the kind of thing they would usually order. He likely won’t want that much contact because it sounds as if his social life is more important to him. So, suggest that in text or email and see what he says. If he works different days and shifts, this makes it more complicated but there are still ways around it. If you could tell us his working patterns it would be easier to suggest a contact arrangement schedule.
Once a schedule is in place, keep a record of his consistancy. Does he collect and return the child at the agreed times? Does he cancel last minute? Does he just not show up? Does he refuse to return the child when he’s meant to? I have the feeling that he’s going to use child contact as a means to control you. For example, not turning up for his contact time so you can’t go out and have a life. So, you need to start a paper trail immediately should you need it for court. Courts need evidence and these types of men seem to be really good at painting women in a terrible light and making themselves the poor victims. Have evidence.

@TipsyJoker thank you , he can't have him over night as he says he hasn't got anywhere to have him , his daughter from s previous relationship told him to get his own place so his children could see him his reply ' I do what I want when I want ' hes 35 by the way staying in a mates box room 🤦‍♀️

He’s a joke! You’re right not to let him have overnights until he has suitable accommodation. That’s totally fair and child focused. If he refuses to get a place that’s how things will stay. I would suggest in this case that he has the child from 10am on Saturday morning till 6pm Saturday evening and the same for Sunday every second weekend. He could also have him for a couple of hours during the week after work to have dinner with him, help with homework etc, (if your child is school aged). I suspect he doesn’t see his other child from his previous relationship much then? He prob won’t be very reliable as a father and tbh, he sounds like a total loser and a crappy role model anyway so the less contact he has the better for your child. Put forward those proposals, in writing. Onky accept a response in writing. Get cms onto him because at the very least he should be paying for the child he’s created. Don’t fight with him. Put forward your terms and if he doesn’t agree to them, that’s fine. Let him take you to court for access, tell the court the access you propose and why he can’t have overnights. I’d be very surprised if they weren’t inclined to agree to your terms if they’re as stated above. My guess is though that he won’t even take you to court. He’ll just complain about you and try to get your attention by causing arguments and grief. I’d suggest you learn the grey rock method and make sure only communication is via a dedicated email or text. Don’t get drawn into anything because that’s giving him his energy supply, which is what he wants. He’s done you a massive favour by leaving. Count your blessings.

Just to add, do not allow him to have contact in your home. It’s got to be him picking the child up and taking the child somewhere. It’s not your home. Your home is not a contact centre. Your home is your safe space and shouldn’t be invaded by him. Don’t let him come in. Take your child to the door. He’s not allowed in your house now. He will act like a petulant child and refuse to leave or push your boundaries if you let him. Put your foot down.