Obstacles making sex life almost non existent

[nextwed14]

DH and I have been married 20 years and have 2 teenagers. DH is always tired so needs 9 hours sleep so goes to bed about 930 I can survive on 6 so go about midnight. This means we spend no time together of an evening because our body clocks are completely different. We've tried compromising and us both going to bed at 1030 but he is too exhausted by then for any intimacy. I refuse to go to bed at 930. Also with 2 teenagers realistically midnight is about the only time we can have sex as otherwise kids are walking past our door as they are still up and about. I really really hate morning sex as I feel sweaty so finally only like it of an evening. Not sure where to go from here as is 2 issues making sex virtually no existent. Our totally different body clocks and living with 2 older teens who have to pass our door.

No advice but almost identical situation here. We’ve just given up apart from the odd day we have off together here and there.

Why don't you have it at 10:30 on the weekend and then he can sleep in in the morning?

Do you have a good sex life on holidays?

I think the dislike of morning sex is a bit weak. You get sweaty during sex anyway 😁

Has dh seen a doctor about being so tired all the time? Or is it because of his work hours?

Do the teens ever stay elsewhere? Are they old enough for you guys to leave & go off for a dirty weekend?

Is his tiredness explainable? Surely he could 'stay up' (see what I did there?) past 9:30 one night per week?

Wake him up at midnight?

Lock on bedroom door and keep it down while you get busy. If you haven't got a telly in your room then get yourself one and have it on as background noise . You'll never have sex again if you start waiting for teens to go to bed.

Do you kids never go out?

Him being tired is a much more robust get out clause than I hate being sweaty 😂

You either both compromise or you never have sex.

Go to bed at 930, have quiet sex then you get up again for a bit of you time?

Why is your dh so tired? Is he physically OK? Have you screened for sleep apnoea?

Or could he be avoiding sex?

IMO him being tired by the end of the day is more of a reason than you just disliking morning sex. There’s an easy work around for you if you want to actually make time for sex.
If you need less sleep why don’t you get up and shower before it in the morning?

Sex at 9.30, then quick shower pjs on and relax downstairs for a few hours?

Aren't kids out during the day? I feel like you need to be a bit organised about when they'll be out!

Any time during the day you are
home together when they aren’t?
We’re one wfh and one on shifts so get time together when the kids are school. Also I won’t lie, we have been known to sneak a quickie when they are home but occupied in their rooms. See, screens aren’t all bad.

Don't they go out any evenings? Or go to sports training or anything? Or go into town on a Saturday when you could have some afternoon delight and then shower? 😁

My husband is the same OP - in bed at 9pm and I’m up after midnight. This is what we do - have sex when he goes to bed, and then I get back up again. It’s weird at first to get back out of bed but you get used to it.

These aren't reasons, they're excuses. If you wanted to have sex you would have it regardless of time of bed or sweatiness.

I thought 9:30pm was a pretty standard bedtime.

We actually go to bed at 9pm if we want to have sex as we have two preschoolers and we're bloody knackered.

I don't think teens walking past your door is much of a reason, it's not a glass door surely?

Excuses. Teenagers surely are occupied by screens early evening or out and about. Sneak off for a quickie. Me and my DH do. Same at weekends during the day if we feel like it. Not all sessions need to be hours long.

It’s not ideal to have to schedule sex, but it’s better than never having sex!

If there’s a regular time the teens are out, that’s sex time. If not, then a night a week you both go up early and you can potter around after if not ready for sleep. Maybe add in a weekend morning, have a quick shower first if that’s the only barrier.

My teens almost permanently had noise cancelling headphones on.

Agree with all the above! If you actually want to have sex you’ll make a compromise. When he goes to bed at 9.30pm is fine, then shower and back downstairs. Or shower together if that’s helpful? Or early morning you get up together and shower then back to bed if you’re that bothered. Teens will still be asleep! I will sometimes set my alarm to get up just before the children for a quickie! Lazy Sunday mornings, or when the children go out in the evening. Or if the children are downstairs go upstairs and put the tv on in your room and lock the door! Literally so many options.

If you fancy a shag you’ll find a way! I’d go to bed with him for sex then get back up and leave him to sleep. Or defo do it in the morning, what’s wrong with a bit of sweatiness. Plus planning time when the kids are out, etc.

It sounds like you still want to have sex? Have you discussed this with your DH, does he want sex it miss it? I think that’s the starting basis to be on the same page then make a plan at how you guys recommence your sex life. All the things you’ve said here are minor obstacles and people have made good suggestions.
From personal experience dp and myself have had sex morning, noon and night with kids around when they are on screens, sleeping or doing homework. We always lock the door, make sure there’s the radio on if in the day and just go for it. Sometimes they ate quickies but other times is up to half hour! I think if you get out of your comfort zone you will be able to start having sex again!