Narcissistic mother had told extended family I wanted nothing to do with them 2.5 years ago !!

[Dontcontactme]

And I didn’t realise till this week !!!!!

In my defence I’ve been extremely busy plus was abroad for 9 months . The last couple of birthdays I did wonder why my aunt had added strange messages - one year it said ‘sorry if this card is an intrusion’ and the next ‘we think of you a lot’. I just thought it was a bit odd but she’s quite eccentric.

Saw my cousin in town a few months ago shouted and waved and I thought she just didn’t see me as got in her car and drove off I half thought had I just seen someone who looked like her.

Bumped into a family friend who seemed guarded. Seemed taken aback that I was chatty ? Just a really strange interaction and then she sent a message the next day apologising but she didn’t know how to react and was I wanting to reconnect with everyone and was I feeling ok now ? So I called her and it turns out my mother and sister (Narc and golden child) had told everyone I’d decided to ‘divorce the family and any close friends’ that I’d gone away for ‘space’ (it was WORK!!!) and I’d requested not to be contacted !!!

The only thing this coincided with was a massive argument I’d had with her and I had been upset and threatened her that I’d tell everyone what she was really up to . But then I had the opportunity to go away for a bit and came back not realising and now I feel stupid !

Good grief.

I'd probably try to put the record straight with auntie as she reached out to you. Did you reply?

I guess if you haven't noticed in 2 years then it's not a major loss if you don't reconnect.

I’d sent texts at Christmas each year but had no reply and as I was busy I think I assumed others were busy and it’s somehow got missed? Family friend said that my mother had explained that as me keeping in touch but I didn’t want to get into conversations that I’d told her that to pass on !

I'm sorry OP, that really sounds awful. I think it would be a good idea to write to them all and explain that it's not true, or phone them. You really need to set the record straight.

I think I may start a WhatsApp group for the people I have numbers for who I assume were told this as well as the ones I know about and set the record straight

Just so I can let them all know at the same time rather than sending individual texts

Good idea. How awful. Have you spoken to your mum ?

No not yet, I plan to but not sure what to say as I’m angry about it. I assume she panicked I was really going to tell everyone about her

Agree with PP. Put the record straight with your extended family right away. Your mother sounds hideously toxic.

The WhatsApp group sounds like a great idea as it means everyone is hearing the same thing at the same time. It works well to clear up the mess your mum made. I'd try to keep it as factual as possible so it doesn't give your mum any further ammo to fuck things up for you. And I'd say something to make it clear that people should not believe anything else they hear about you from her.
What a bitch she is.

Definitely contact your other family members before speaking to your mum. And make it clear you haven't yet raised it with your mother; you don't want anyone else tipping her off.

This is awful, I’m sorry you have been put in this position. Have you spoken to your family since your OP? Me, personally, I’d want to see what family day before confronting your mother.

I would include your mum and sister in the WhatsApp group too

Let it all unfold in there

If she is even considering this, think OP would want to get the ok from the other group members first. This is going to be a bit of a shock to them and having a safe space to talk away from the OP's mother and sister might be essential.

The WhatsApp message is a good idea.

my suggestion is to draft it, leave it for 24 hours then edit before sending. Aim to be factual and take the emotion out of it.

I think the WhatsApp message is a good idea but I would leave your mother and sister well out of this or they'll have the opportunity to start twisting the narrative again. Just rekindle your relationships with as many of your family as you want to.

I wouldn't speak to your mother about this at all. What she has done is triangulation, where she is trying to control your relationships with other people by ensuring that those relationships have to be maintained through her. She doesn't need to know that you are angry, or hurt, or upset - she doesn't care. Don't give her the pleasure of knowing she got to you - break free from that control.

I'd say F em all, they chose to take your mothers word for it without proper grounds. My mothers a total narc too though and I'm better off on my own then fighting her stories she tells people about me.

I'd add your mother and sister in to the group chat too so they have to answer for their actions.. But then I haven't spoke to my own mother in 8 years because she pulls the same sort of shit.