Does this count as sexual abuse/coercion? (Struggling to come to terms with ex's behaviour)

[calatheamama]

Hi, writing this because I still live in disbelief several months after the end of a relationship that went horribly wrong (long story, ended up with him being arrested after a domestic incident).

I've slowly come to terms with how there were several abusive elements to the relationship, but I'm SERIOUSLY struggling with some of the things that went on with sex - while the sex we had in the honeymoon period was exciting, frequent (and consensual), obviously it wound down as time went on and we lived together. Life happens ofc.

Eventually, he 1) started demanding sex morning and night, complaining that we weren't having enough of it, 2) emotionally blackmailed / cold shouldered / body shamed me if I said 'no' (so I became frightened about the relationship ending, or felt guilty, ended up saying yes begrudgingly, then ridiculed again because I was "like a corpse", 3) waking me up in the middle of the night already on top of and inside me, 4) making me masturbate him in the morning if I said 'no' to full sex, then finishing on me, throwing a towel at me and telling me to clean myself up (sorry, that was quite graphic), 5) slapping and squeezing my bum in public, etc...

Even months after the end of things, I still have a strange relationship with sex. I've lost so much trust in men and their sex drives. When I've tried to be intimate with a couple of people since, I felt numb and disassociated, like I'm there just to give a performance. I can't even self-pleasure successfully anymore. I really miss my sexuality. I do understand that differences in sex drives can be a major rift in relationships, but the level of entitlement was unreal.

I feel exploited. Then I also feel naive for allowing myself to be taken for the ride - I'm an otherwise independent and outspoken woman, passionate about rights and feminism etc. I feel like I could have stood up for myself and said NO louder.

Maybe the question itself is naive - was I really being sexually abused and/or coerced by him? It's a tough thing to accept...

OP this sounds awful

and i think way too soon to be having relationships / sex with other men

just pause, regroup and enjoy being single

Im so sorry but If you woke up whilst he was already having sex with you, I'd say this is Rape. It ALL sounds awful & I can quite see why it's affected you. I'd seek some specialist Counselling x

i thought he’d been arrested for sexual coercion?

Yes it is sexual abuse , coercian and rape - penetrating you while you were asleep and unable to consent is rape.
No wonder you are traumatised OP.
You should really seek counselling to try and come to terms with what happened to you.
What an animal he is. Thank goodness you are out of the relationship but he has left you with a lot of emotional baggage that will take time to come to terms with.

Yes, that's correct, he was arrested for sexual assault, but I still struggle a lot with this in my mind - there's a lot of self-doubt :(

He also tried contacting me and my family earlier in the year, accusing me of being a liar and 'attempting to destroy' his life. I started to feel like I had imagined all of it...

I find the responses of people here helpful, in addition to counselling etc.

Thank you, sometimes I just need to hear these words said by someone else! Today was one of those low, self-doubting days.

I have sought counselling but maybe I could find someone who specialises in sexual violence and trauma to a much greater degree.

But unfortunately, yes, he has caused a lot of damage that will take a long time to fix :(

I would urge you to seek some professional counselling. It would allow you to unpick all that you are feeling and give you some form of closure. It's way too soon to be having sex with someone else. You are not ready emotionally. You would benefit from staying single, have the counselling and concentrating on you. Do what you want/when you want, without the worry of having to consider another person. Yes, your partner was being abusive. It's not unusual for couples to have different sex drives, but it's not normal for someone to behaviour in the manner your ex has. An ex partner of mine, used to have sex with me, whilst I was asleep (I'd wake up with him inside me). I was young and didn't really understand, that actually it was rape, because being asleep meant I didn't consent. It took over 20 years for me to realise and process it. Even to this day, and I am happily married, I won't sleep without wearing knickers in bed. Sleeping naked makes me feel vulnerable.

Thank you, that's all very sound advice. And I totally relate - your mention of sleeping with knickers on in bed due to feeling vulnerable really hit home. I'm so sorry you also had to experience that. The scary part is that, at the time, it ends up feeling so normal...

Seeing other people briefly was an interesting one. I don't think I'm ready at all, but earlier in the year, I felt like I needed to somehow counter his version of 'me' that he'd built? I was made to feel like a frigid, worthless, unhygienic, lazy mess (funny how depression can do that you also), so I wanted to sort of 'prove' to myself that I could still be desirable and sexual. It wasn't that helpful, lol.

On a lighter note, I'm really enjoying now being able to wear cosy pyjamas in MY bed and not be accused of 'overheating' (yes, that was a literal and regular complaint, therefore I HAD to sleep naked!) All I need is a cat now!