Struggling with kid's job/uni plans

[TwoTuesday]

I'm very much aware this is a first world problem, and a long rambling post as well, so apologies.
My son's in year 13 and is thinking about what do do after A levels.
His dad and I are long divorced and don't see eye to eye at all, though we keep this from DS. We share care of him, though I do most of the donkey work.
His dad is very keen on him getting a local full time job, possibly an apprenticeship, after A Levels. Most of DS friends are less academic than him, as are his dad's friends, so I feel this is the cosy, safe option. I was first in my family to go to university and am really keen on DS going too, as it gave me so many opportunities and experiences I would never have had otherwise, plus a good career. I very much want him to see the world and get as much education as possible. I am taking him to university open days and he was very impressed with the last place we saw. Then he goes back to his dad's and the momentum is lost somehow.
I feel I'm in a battle with my ex on this. He and DS have always been very close, almost too close.
And then it hit me today that he'll be leaving home if he goes away to uni and my job as his mother is done, pretty much! I feel totally unprepared to parent an adult. I have a younger child, a partner, full time job etc but it's making me feel totally Iost. Maybe because I don't have the other parent to share it with, all the uni stuff is solely on me to support with etc. and he might not even go, I feel ridiculous being so emotional over it.
Obviously I don't want him to do a degree if he doesn't want to, but I feel he's being influenced to do what his dad wants.
I know I'll be disappointed if he doesn't go to uni but I don't want DS to feel he's disappointed me as that would be awful.
He's 18 soon and I'm worried he will want to live with his dad after that. It's like he's just slipping away and it's making me really sad. If I'd have somehow been able to stay married to his dad would I have had more influence I wonder.
My mum is heaping on the pressure too (on me, not DS) as she is very keen on him doing a degree. It's all a bit much.
Can anyone relate? How did you cope, and support your child?

I can understand your concern OP, but what does your son want to do? What are his interests? As that should dictate what path he takes, where it’s university or an apprenticeship. All you can do is guide his interests really.

Your job as a mother is certainly not done. Sometimes you just have to let them explore options and make their own decisions. If it is wrong then you be there. Remember if he is happy then you will be too.

Does he have the predicted grades to do a degree he may be interested in?
Or - is he maybe stressed about making them and wants to avoid the disappointment?

I’d position it for him that applying is not a commitment to go. He can always change his mind.
There is still plenty of time to make and application. And the UCAS Statement is only a page long. So - not a huge effort, really.
And then its off - and he can decide much later.

What does DS want? Both uni and apprenticeship are good options but what will work best is what he wants not you or his dad.

School will no doubt be putting enough pressure on him to go the uni route anyway

Right but none of this matters if he does a time wasting degree. For example I was told to go to uni and do accountancy. Waste of time. I didn't go ended up working an accounting job whilst my company paid for my ACCA so I got qualified whilst getting real work experience and having zero debt.

If I had gone to uni I'd have debt and no work experience plus would have been less qualified and had to have done the last level of ACCA to get to where I am today. Uni is not worth it for a degree where on the job training is preferable.

It all depends what he actually wants to do for a job. Is it something that really requires a uni degree?

Thanks for the replies.
He is on track to get the grades to do a degree. If he carries on working as he is now. He doesn't know what he wants to do for a job really -possibly IT or environmental science related as that's what he's studying now. Nothing with a set career path like accountancy.
School are fairly neutral between degree apprenticeship and university route, both have similar requirements grades wise as DAs are very competitive now, but university is a less onerous application. They are pushing him to do UCAS anyway, as pp have said, he doesn't have to actually go.
I want him to see all the options and decide, but it feels like just showing him the options is an uphill struggle.
I don't want to wish I'd done more, but as pp have said it has to be up to him and I can be the to support still, whatever happens. It's just strange to have to let go of the reins.

Other posters have already said it. It’s totally up to your son as to what he wants to do. Maybe ask him that, and have an open and honest discussion. Don’t think it helps that his dad wants one thing and you want another. Placing expectation on your child is pretty much the worst thing you can do because when they hate it or fail they feel even shitter about themselves.

I would suggest the uni application as he can either defer or turn it down but it gives him a choice. A lot can change between now and next August. A friend of ds does not really want to go to uni but got a place and has deferred it for a year to see if working suits him better. It is positive to have as many opportunities open to him so he can make an informed choice.

Don't think of it as dropping the reins, this is actually the next stage of being a good parent - letting them spread their wings and become in charge of their own choices and decisions.
Be very careful of pushing your own agenda too much here. Show him the options and support his decisions.
Even if you don't like them...

DD has just gone to Uni and it is heartwrenching but absolutely the right thing for her, she is very academic and wants to do something she will need a specific degree for, she is very chilled about the student debt aspect of it.
DS is very different, he is bright and will probably get good A levels (currently GCSE year) but he doesn't have a specific degree in mind and has said he doesn't want the end up in debt. He may go to Uni but he may also try and get an apprenticeship or degree apprenticeship post A level instead, he met someone from LLoyds bank at a careers fair recently and was very interested in what they had to say. DH is very unhappy about it and thinks that if DS is capable of Uni he should go and says he would be the only one of us without a degree, which isn't right. I am happy to guide DS and help him get the info he needs but let him make his own decision.
And please don't think your job will be done at 18, DD had a gap year and so is almost 20 and we still message daily and FT once a week

I was first in my family to go to university and am really keen on DS going too,
Are you going to take on the huge debt for him? If not then ease up and let him decide what happens next in his life.
Why the angst anyway? - it's not as if it's a now-or-never decision.

Entry to university at 18 is not the only route, although it probably once was the only route. I’ve got student loans and they are even higher for a student now. I’m grateful I had the uni experience but looking at the wide variety of options available now and the cost of uni, I’m not sure I’d pick the same route.

Take DS to university open days but also to apprenticeship sessions. I’d encourage him to apply now because that doesn’t mean he needs to accept the place. If he takes an apprenticeship and he’s smart there’s nothing that says the company won’t pay for his degree. If in 10 years he realises he wants more than local jobs can offer he can do the part time course or OU route.

All my friends who were pushed to uni by parents dropped out. Usually after trying a year at two different places so they racked up 1-2 years of student loans and have no degree to show for it. It dented their confidence and they’ve definitely worked low wage jobs (you don’t need a degree to get a higher paying job).