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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment

3 replies

lost19 · 15/10/2024 14:28

Hi there, this is long - am very sorry. Am struggling a lot right now and to be honest, probably using this forum as a way to get it all off my chest. My husband and I have two wonderful children and, as a family, we are incredibly happy. As a couple though, it’s hard and it’s become a lot harder since our children arrived. He’s never been one to communicate effectively and whilst he’s very adept at sharing his opinion and taking to a group (over them a lot tbh and quite forthright) when it comes to me, he’s got nothing. If try to initiate a conversation that’s beyond surface level or the kids, he rolls his eyes and refuses to answer. Which in turn as made me feel very isolated. He hates any qs and deems a lot of what I ask as trivial. There was a time when it was all so bad , he threatened to leave and told me he didn’t think he loved me (have had our second child since then) but it’s something that now comes up every six months. If I bring up anything about how I’m feeling, if I’m feeling down or let down by him he ignores me, doesn’t make eye contact and refuses to acknowledge he has a part to play. It then leaves me just talking At him and refusing to stop (which know is also a form of abuse, especially when he’s asked me to stop) but I’m just at a loss as to why he can’t talk. The cycle goes he then storMs off and gives me the silent treatment (the longest it’s gone on for us 2 weeks and it’s torture.) I try to initiate conversations but am met with 1 word answers and a total refusal to talk. The problems are, he doesn’t know how to talk and I talk to much (so it’s always a case of him accusing me of shouting or ranting ). It’s so hard and I’m just hitting a wall as to what to do. Worth pointing out too that he refuses couples therapy and won’t see one himself. But is v supportive or me seeing someone (which I have done in the past). I think he has narcissistic tendencies and I’m wondering if silent treatment is a form of abuse or am I exaggerating? Looking for some help on how to deal with it all and a forum to chat so I don’t just rant at him. I also do not my children growing up thinking non communication is ok. He is an excellent father, v involved and does support me a lot. But, I’ve raised a few times that I need to be able to talk and spend quality time with my partner - which is met which such disdain it’s so upsetting. I have a lot to work on and am very open to being better - but I don’t get thAt in return. Any advice?

OP posts:
NeverRunAfterAManOrABus · 15/10/2024 16:20

My advice would be leave.
This is not a type of relationship you want your kids to think is ‘normal’, or to end up in themselves.

And yes, it is abuse.
The silent treatment can be a subtle yet destructive form of emotional abuse. By deliberately withdrawing communication and connection, a person seeks to exert control over another. In other words, it's a form of manipulation or punishment.

MsPavlichenko · 15/10/2024 16:25

It is abusive, and controlling. It’s not being caused, or exacerbated by you. Look at the Freedom Programme, do it if you are able to, even online.

He won’t change, and it’s damaging your children as well as you.

OneDandyPoet · 15/10/2024 16:27

lost19 · 15/10/2024 14:28

Hi there, this is long - am very sorry. Am struggling a lot right now and to be honest, probably using this forum as a way to get it all off my chest. My husband and I have two wonderful children and, as a family, we are incredibly happy. As a couple though, it’s hard and it’s become a lot harder since our children arrived. He’s never been one to communicate effectively and whilst he’s very adept at sharing his opinion and taking to a group (over them a lot tbh and quite forthright) when it comes to me, he’s got nothing. If try to initiate a conversation that’s beyond surface level or the kids, he rolls his eyes and refuses to answer. Which in turn as made me feel very isolated. He hates any qs and deems a lot of what I ask as trivial. There was a time when it was all so bad , he threatened to leave and told me he didn’t think he loved me (have had our second child since then) but it’s something that now comes up every six months. If I bring up anything about how I’m feeling, if I’m feeling down or let down by him he ignores me, doesn’t make eye contact and refuses to acknowledge he has a part to play. It then leaves me just talking At him and refusing to stop (which know is also a form of abuse, especially when he’s asked me to stop) but I’m just at a loss as to why he can’t talk. The cycle goes he then storMs off and gives me the silent treatment (the longest it’s gone on for us 2 weeks and it’s torture.) I try to initiate conversations but am met with 1 word answers and a total refusal to talk. The problems are, he doesn’t know how to talk and I talk to much (so it’s always a case of him accusing me of shouting or ranting ). It’s so hard and I’m just hitting a wall as to what to do. Worth pointing out too that he refuses couples therapy and won’t see one himself. But is v supportive or me seeing someone (which I have done in the past). I think he has narcissistic tendencies and I’m wondering if silent treatment is a form of abuse or am I exaggerating? Looking for some help on how to deal with it all and a forum to chat so I don’t just rant at him. I also do not my children growing up thinking non communication is ok. He is an excellent father, v involved and does support me a lot. But, I’ve raised a few times that I need to be able to talk and spend quality time with my partner - which is met which such disdain it’s so upsetting. I have a lot to work on and am very open to being better - but I don’t get thAt in return. Any advice?

You are open to being better? But it’s him that is being abusive toward you, in so many ways, including the silent treatment. Clearly you are open and willing to make this work, but he shuts you down at every opportunity. And your children are watching this, taking in your dynamic, and maybe end up believing that this a normal way to behave in a relationship. He definitely needs counselling, and you deserve better. He is setting a really, really bad example by his behaviour. Was he like this when you first met?

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