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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone else have a defensive partner…can they change?

12 replies

Carexo · 15/10/2024 13:14

My partner jumps to defensiveness all the time. If I say something bothered me (like forgetting to pick up what u asked from the shop as a silly example) he straight away will say something like “but i didn’t mean to do that, you know I wouldn’t do that on purpose, i was insert reason here.
it is so frustrating, I’m not accusing him of doing it or purpose or meaning to or whatever else he did, i would just like him to acknowledge he should have got the stuff.

this applies to everything big or small. It really really annoys me

OP posts:

GarrynotsoGorilla · 15/10/2024 13:18

Yes I find it very frustrating! I try hard to pick up on these things in a non critical way, but it is always taken as such. I just accept i have my failings and apologise and try to do better.

Garlicbest · 15/10/2024 14:13

Jeez, yes, that would annoy the hell out of me!

What happens when you say "I’m not accusing you of anything bad, I'd just like an acknowledgement"?

MakingPlans2025 · 15/10/2024 14:20

My husband is like this. Fragile male ego. Brought up to believe he could do no wrong. Entitled.

AgentJohnson · 15/10/2024 14:25

Of course he can change but the question you have to ask yourself is, does he want to?

To change he has to first acknowledge that his behaviour is problematic and I doubt that he is at that stage, or if he will ever reach that stage. I suspect he would rather you just STFU and not to question or challenge his behaviour.

PickAChew · 15/10/2024 14:33

I have one of those. Crumbs all over the worktop and food smeared on the taps when he's supposed have cleaned up after dinner? "well obviously I'm not good enough, then" I tried changing my tone to one that didn't sound like I was directly wagging my finger at him - criticise the action, not the person - and he had a go at me for making sly digs instead of telling him directly. 😒

He never used to be like this and it's bloody exhausting.

Mind, I snapped at him for him reminding me to do something, this morning. I'm not the one who routinely forgets to do things.

PickAChew · 15/10/2024 14:36

And yes, "sorry" and then moving on would be enough but he seems to have lost it from his vocabulary except very occasionally with a sarcastic tone.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/10/2024 14:36

I think couples therapy might work for this as a third party can help

MakingPlans2025 · 15/10/2024 18:54

PickAChew · 15/10/2024 14:33

He never used to be like this and it's bloody exhausting.

Mind, I snapped at him for him reminding me to do something, this morning. I'm not the one who routinely forgets to do things.

Oh I get this too. "I can't do anything right". Well you said it not me mate

MainlyWater · 15/10/2024 20:29

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/10/2024 14:36

I think couples therapy might work for this as a third party can help

Nah, you would need a live in therapist, or an intervention from the hand of God.

They don't change.

The defensiveness also goes hand in hand with lying.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/10/2024 20:45

@MainlyWater I think it's worth a try though so op knows she's tried it. Alternatives are either a) chuck otherwise decent relationsship away and go on online dating where all the men have as many if not more flaws or b) just put up with it and be miserable

Sometimes defensiveness is just a human reaction and a sign of immaturity but people (IF they want to can work on it- I know I have in recent years) or sometimes it's a symptom of narcissism - counselling would help unravel that

Thelnebriati · 15/10/2024 20:51

If you want to try to work on this, start with couples therapy to explain the problem, then ask him to go for CBT to change his behaviour. One thing to bear in mind is that its not just going to be small things when you are irritated, there will be other situations he will do this that you haven't encountered yet. So it may crop up in a new, unpredictable situation in the future.
You also need to work out what you will do if he refuses to change.

BraveToaster · 16/10/2024 16:43

I think it depends on how you are saying things. If you're using a tone of "ughh, I asked you to get me ONE THING and you can't even be bothered/can't do anything right" I can see why his response would be that he didn't do it on purpose.

My MIL seems to have been raised with the idea that men are "useless" at anything domestic and it is perfectly fine for her to constantly berate her husband and tell him this at every opportunity. It's shocking behaviour and I've honestly never seen anything like it. I suspect this is how all of her friends talk about their husbands and it's just normal to her.

I would try saying explaining how his being forgetful impacts you. Something like "I know you didn't mean to forget to pick up X, but it's really important that when you say you're going to do something you follow through. I put a lot of effort into planning dinners and when we don't have key ingredients it means my planning was for nothing. If you know you can't get to the shop please let me know so I can go to the shop instead."

If he doesn't respond to that then I'm not sure what you can do. I had an ex like that, and it's one of many reasons he's an ex.

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