Do you make arrangements with your ILs or does your DH/DP

[isitwinetime24]

Hey,

We haven't seen MIL for a couple of weeks, I tend to just leave it to DH as it's his mum. I will say we haven't seen her for a while and suggest something is arranged but leave it up to him. We see my parents more often, but that's because I'll make the arrangements.

So do you organise seeing your IL's or leave it up to your DH/DP?

Dh does it. He phones his parents 2 or 3 times a week and is in regular contact with his siblings/older nephews who have left home.

Wife work. If your inlaws or DH have an issue that’s for them to manage.

I used to but don't anymore and we probably see them once a year now.

DH does the organising with both his mum and dad (separated and with new partners). I might suggest inviting X for lunch etc, but its DH that would ring and speak to them about it.

Both of us - we both get on really well with both extended families.

I get on well with my ILs and vice versa, but I drew a very definite line in the sand early in our relationship that my family is my job and OH's is his.

Luckily he's a decent man who is close to his family and communicates with them because he wants to, but even if he didn't, I wouldn't be picking up the job of managing other people's relationships.

I'm a partner in a relationship of equals, not a PA.

DH does with his family and I do with mine. His family is not happy about the contact frequency, but DH is not bothered (ILs are difficult people).

We see my family more often as a result.

Nope. He does everything to do with his side, parents and siblings. I do my side. That includes arrangements, cooking when they are here (we do help out) , birthday, christmas, presents etc

It isn't either / or, it's a bit of both.

MiL used to always message me, and I'd often reply that I'd let dh get back to her. It's taken a few years.

With my (adult) dcs' partners, I've made a WhatsApp to include both of them which we use for any arrangements. Seems to get round the possibility of a DiL being upset she was being excluded and also round the concept that she should make arrangements as it is "wife work", by speaking to both of them.

My DH did it. It was always him calling them never the other way.

It’s all completely Dh. On very rare occasions, I’ll simply message to make sure they know the arrival time, as Dh is a people pleaser and if he arranges for someone to come over for lunch, his family has a habit of being like why don’t we come a bit earlier, and then next thing I know it’s 8am and they’re knocking on the door and we’re all still in bed. He’s not good with boundaries, but I am, so I am generally the boundary enforcer. Otherwise, I don’t even look at the family group chat unless someone has died.

Usually DH arranges meeting his parents and I arrange with mine, unless I'm going something separately with MIL

Husband manages his parents, I manage mine! His parents can be a bit more ‘difficult’ so I don’t get involved. Although if an occasion is forgotten I’m the one that gets a furious text that I’ve ruined distant relations bday by not sending a card…

A bit of both, DSIL and I arrange when we see her family but DH sorts out visits/plans with the rest of his side.

I suppose it was a mixture when mine were small. I thought of my in laws as the children's grandparents rather than my in laws, and because I was a SAHP and organised the children's social lives I organised this part of the ILs visits too. If dp wanted to see his parents, or invite them round he'd do that bit. I think the grandparent/grandchild is incredibly important, so I was happy to take facilitating that on, until the children were old enough to take that on. Which they did very young!

I used to but took a stand about a year ago and now leave it up to DH

On Mumsnet the very idea of doing anything at all for or with your in-laws is scandalous as only your husband should ever communicate with his own parents about anything and any request for you to do anything involving them is misogynistic and entitled.

I think in the real world it's quite normal for there to be overlap and for everyone to get along ok. I actually love my in laws, so am happy to make arrangements with them, buy gifts for them etc. and vice versa my husband sometimes goes for tea at my mam's without me, makes arrangements with her for DD, gets Xmas presents for my side etc. I've only ever seen the over the top regimenting of My Family and His Family on here tbh.

I do get it with difficult in laws though, makes sense not to get involved in any drama.

I used to do it because DH wasn’t that interested in seeing them. They were always horrible to me when we saw them though, they then took that horribleness a step too far so I passed the job to DH. We now never see them.

Usually him as he sees them most weekdays as he picks our dog up from them. But his mum will text or ring me sometimes to suggest meeting up or to organise something. I don't mind reminding him about birthdays etc or suggesting meeting up.

He's also quite good at nudging me to see my family...which happens much less frequently as we are all a bit crap at meeting up.

Usually me, but then I'm actually good friends with my MIL and would actively seek her company. So I don't regard it as DH's job, I'm home with the kids so it makes sense for me to organise catching up for a day whilst he's at work.