Finding out he cheated years after the event

[TwistedWonder]

Morning all. Not really sure what I want from this thread other than the wisdom of others who may have experienced similar.

Basic story is after my 25 year marriage broke up I dated a guy for about 18 months. It was pretty much a rebound thing and I realised he probably had narcissistic traits and told a lot of lies. After I ended things he continued regular attempts to hoover me back in which I always declined. I later found out he was telling mutual friends that I was the one begging him to to take me back so I blocked him and have had no contact for over a year

Over the weekend I’ve now found out he was seeing a woman for the last 6 months of our relationship who has a lot of mutual friends with me and although my feelings haven’t changed in the respect I think he’s a lying POS and actually I feel pretty much nothing about his cheating, the thing that’s bothered me is that I suspect other friends and acquaintances would have been aware of this other woman and it’s just made me feel a bit mugged off like I was the part one to find out

So as I said I’m not sure what I want from this thread really other than to voice my thoughts and just wonder if anyone has any pearls of wisdom to get past feeling like a bit of a fool and wondering who knew and smiled to my face.

I don’t think you are a fool. You trusted him and when you realised he wasn’t for you, you dumped him. That doesn’t sound foolish.

Are you embarrassed/ashamed and think they may be laughing behind your back? Are you upset that they lied to you when you thought they had integrity? Or upset you thought you were good friends and they shared in deceiving you? Can you pin point where your issue lies?

Personally I would ask them face to face. I heard Bob has been with Wendy for x amount of time now. Did you know he was cheating on me? Then look at them as they reply.

This is exactly why cheating is so destructive. People say it only affects the betrayed but it really doesn’t.

He was a liar, so he also lied about you begging. You are lucky to be shot of him.

As for feeling a fool - write down your values and live by them daily. Use this feeling and experience to explore yourself and what worries/upsets/matters to you.

I would tell a friend if their partner cheated and I would 100% risk losing that friendship. I couldn’t be part of a lie. I would really struggle making conversation knowing their partner was cheating. I really can’t be that unusual so you may find some of these people didn’t know anything. Others may have distanced themselves due to the knowledge. Regardless you are not the fool in this situation. Trusting until proved wrong - but I don’t think that’s a poor quality. Forgive yourself.

Thank you for your response. I think it’s so fresh that I’m not quite sure what it is that I’m feeling

It’s not even about the cheating I don’t think and it’s definitely not about him as I know exactly what he is and I’m long over it. I think maybe it’s just the shock finding out after all this time and also that others might have known and gossiping about me.

It might all sound silly to others that I’m concerned about other people but I’ve always been a very private person so the thought of others knowing and me not having a clue is what’s bothering me

Im not someone who dwells so maybe I just need a few days to process it, get my own head clear and lock it away in the vault where it belongs.

Ive asked a couple of close friends who know the woman involved and they absolutely swear they had no idea and are as shocked as I am so it was probably well hidden.

As I said I’m not sure what I want from this thread other than maybe putting it down in black and white is part of the process of dealing with it and moving forward.

Hi op. Sorry to hear this, what a POS.
I don’t believe anyone will be laughing behind your back, he’s the one who did wrong and all he’s done is made himself look a complete prick.
id let it go and act like it doesn’t even phase you. If anyone ever brings it up just shrug it off with a ‘well I wouldn’t expect anything less’

I’d forgotten about this thread. I was in a bit of shock when I posted and think i just wanted to get my thoughts out there.

Strangely I bumped into him about a fortnight after I posted and I felt nothing, it was like seeing a stranger.

I don’t actually think many people did know tbh. I did chat with a couple of friends who know the woman and they had no idea at all so think it was definitely hidden away.

But I now think whatever I hear about him, I just shrug my shoulders and say ‘doesn’t surprise me’

He's a complete twat who I’m well rid of