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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He tried to hoover me, didn't he?

2 replies

needahandholdpls · 15/10/2024 10:21

I posted a few weeks ago about finishing things with my ex after discovering messages on his phone which confirmed my worst thoughts about what he had been upto with his ex and other women. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5165096-just-found-out-boyfriend-has-been-lying-and-cheating

I blocked him on WhatsApp (our usual form of communication) but didn't realise the block didn't extend to the rest of my phone.

Anyway, weeks passed and no contact from either side. I started to heal and focus on myself. My birthday came around and he messaged me.

I didn't reply straight away but replied Thanks the next day and then, as he had contacted, used it as an opportunity to ask him to transfer me his share of the money he owed me for a trip I had booked for us both before things ended. He sent the money across and that was that.

Then the following day he sends me a message to say he had met a mutual friend and how highly this person had thought of me. I simply replied "👍🏻" which was my first big mistake as I should have blocked then.

Anyway, what followed after that was him sending almost daily messages apologising for everything, saying how much he missed me, telling me he couldn't stop thinking about me and looking at photos of our times together, how he imagined what our lives might have been together with our children coming together, all the things he would do differently if I would give him another chance, saying he wanted to give me a gift and a birthday cake etc, asking if I would meet with him.

I found myself getting a little bit sucked in, though wouldn't agree to meet, but he was saying all the things I finally wanted him to say.

Then over the weekend he was away somewhere with v limited signal so his messages were patchy. There was a long gap in messages between us, and the time, and time talking with my horrified friends, made me wake up a bit. I'd been getting intoxicated and drawn back in without realising.

So yesterday I took the leap and blocked him on every imaginable platform, bar turning up at my house (I don't think he would) or emailing me at work, he has no way of contacting me.

FWIW I'm a smart woman, nice home, good job, good friends and family etc... and yet I still let this man get under my skin and nearly fell for it again.

I've been reading up on hoovering after a break up and I am absolutely certain this is what was happening and I'm so relieved I realised before it progressed anywhere.

Anyone had experiences of this themselves?

OP posts:
Babyghirl · 05/02/2025 04:32

Good for your op, I'm hoping you are well shot of him and starting to live the life you deserve.

Lurkingandlearning · 05/02/2025 09:32

Yes I have. It went on for years. I was very young. One of the last conversations I had with him, (a necessary conversation about our mortgage, after I’d finally got a grip) moved on to casual “what have you been doing”. He’d been cheating on his new mug and actually said, Well you know me (ha ha) meaning that’s what he did- always.

I’m glad you know about hoovering and that you’ve blocked him. Don’t look back.

I get your point about being smart and successful in many ways. Do you feel you should’ve known better? I feel I should’ve. It seems all of our smartness goes out of the window when we fall for someone. But I wonder if it only applies to that type of man. We don’t have to be vigilant in that way with decent men and it is almost impossible to tell the two apart. You see thinking about being with him seems to take me back to all the confusion he caused with his hoovering. Seriously, don’t look back

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