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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Think I have FU...!

8 replies

DandyHedgehog · 15/10/2024 09:49

New to this, so Hi, thanks for reading and for any suggestions... I feel really up against a brick wall atm..
Im in my late 50's, divorced over 10 years now. Met a man online, seemed a nice chap, his wife had passed away 3 years before we met.
There are still a large number of photos of her and them in his house. Which has been difficult to cope with too, he knows this but has obviously not felt in a place to take them down.
Over the last couple of years together it has become obvious we are very different in what we want from life and I told him so recently, in a kind way.
He suffers with depression and anxiety but won't try anything to help himself despite all my suggestions, It is very hard to see these things stopping him from living a full life. Along with this his negativity was becoming unbearable and there felt very little happiness together.
We had talked about living together and he was pinning his hopes on this, but I told him I couldnt continue with the relationship.

He took it very badly, said he didn't want to be here anymore etc. Says he's in love with me and will do anything to be together.

I was doing ok, not feeling so great about hurting him, but ok.
I then stupidly agreed to talk with him last night and he persuaded me back - and he will get help with his MH.

After a terrible night I feel I have totally let myself down by letting him in again, as well as led him to feel ok again.

All my friends and family said we are too different to be together too and I feel I have let them all down - they have listened to me with all this for weeks now.

I just don't know what to do, any thoughts would be appreciated thanks.
I am not in a good place this morning.

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 15/10/2024 09:53

You tell him the truth- that you no longer want to be in a relationship with him. Was he more compatible with you when you first met? I'm asking in case getting treatment for his MH might help. But you don't owe him a relationship!

TipsyJoker · 15/10/2024 10:09

You haven’t let anyone down. He was obviously persuasive and you felt a certain obligation to be there for him. However, he isn’t your responsibility. You have tried to help and encourage him, he rejected that help. So, maybe by ending your relationship and telling him that you can’t be with someone who is unwilling to help themselves because it’s making you miserable too. End it now and tell him he has to go and work on himself. Wish him well and then block him so he can’t contact you.

LoveSandbanks · 15/10/2024 10:15

The man has the emotional maturity of a fucking toddler. This is where texting comes into its own. Text him, tell him you felt railroaded into taking him back but, on reflection, you are incompatible. Tell him you will accept no further communication from him.

Dont worry about being brutal. He’s shown disregard for your feelings by pushing you to take him back - he really doesn’t care how you feel as long as he’s “got you back”.

80s · 15/10/2024 10:33

How about going over asap (without contacting him before, so he gets an inkling something's up when he opens the door) and saying "I shouldn't have changed my mind, we are not right for each other, it's doing neither of us any good"?
Telling you he'll commit suicide because of your actions and insisting that his "love" trumps your feelings is manipulative, controlling behaviour. He's pressured you into going back; it's by no means all on you.

GrannyGoggles · 15/10/2024 10:41

End it now before it gets even messier. Probably best to block, but if you feel that’s too harsh, have v firm boundaries. If he threatens suicide, call the police to do a safety check. You could also call his GP to alert, they should act on it but no guarantees these days. But, END IT asap for everyone’s sake.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/10/2024 11:01

After a terrible night I feel I have totally let myself down by letting him in again, as well as led him to feel ok again.

Don't compound your mistake by letting it go on any further. It's OK to change your mind. Let him know ASAP that you've slept on it and realised it's the wrong decision for both of you.

It would be much crueller to let it drag out longer.

DandyHedgehog · 15/10/2024 14:24

Thanks for all replies, its helped me feel a bit better about myself..
As hard as it will be to do, I will end it.
Kinder in the long run, though I doubt he will see it like that..

Thanks again

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 15/10/2024 20:03

Come back for support as you need to OP Flowers

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