Comparison and insecurities

[SpookySN]

Please be gentle with me.

I am 34, mum to my 16 year old DS and soon to be divorced.

I ended my 18 year relationship with STBXH over 2 years ago now. We are both now in new relationships.

DP is 3.5 years younger than me and we are very happy. We got together shortly after his 2.5 year relationship broke down. He really wants a child and she wasn't ready. She was 8 years younger than him, so it makes sense. Historically, all of his ex's are 5-8 years younger than him. All of mine are 2-6 years older than me - so this dynamic is quite new for us both.

Our relationship was very unexpected and just seemed to happen out of nowhere, but we are both agreed that we'd love a child together and to live together in the short term future.

Here's the thing I battle with.

I lost almost 12 stone in recent years and have lots of loose skin and stretch marks. I am now a healthy BMI but this can all still be quite hard for me to live with. However, I do have an attractive face and take care of myself. I get a lot of attention.
When I have seen pictures of his ex's, I notice that they're slim and pretty and sometimes wonder what he must actually think of me... deep down!

He constantly calls me beautiful, tells me I am sexy and our sex life is incredible! We still can't get enough of each other. He also told me that I am his dream girl. I just can't help wonder how?! I know these are insecurities and I absolutely never share them with him. I put on quite a confident persona and pretend my body issues don't exist. I just sometimes wonder how he can find me attractive when I often feel like Shrek and he's been used to younger and more attractive bodies.

Does anyone have any experience of this or could share any insight? I just feel a little crazy for thinking about these things sometimes. Thank you.

He isn't obliged to come out with these compliments, so when he says them, believe him! Maybe his previous partners were naturally slim, but were rubbish in bed or didn't have the confidence you are lucky to have. Attraction isn't 100% down to looks; who you are as a person matters very much and there's more to you than what can be seen on the surface, right?

Quite honestly OP I think you should try and enjoy your new relationship but I don't think bringing a baby into the equation ATM is a good idea at all.

If you are feeling insecure about your body and are constantly worried about how attractive he finds you then I don't see how you can relax and be happy. Especially with the strains a new baby often puts on a relationship.

I would be little bit worried that wanting a child is playing a part in his enthusiasm for your relationship: that he sees that you are a good mother to your child and would make a good mother for his.

There does seem an element of " love bombing". I find him calling you his dream "girl" manipulative. You are an adult woman able to make adult choices.

You were previously in a long relationship from a young age and I really think you shouldnt jump into the commitment of a baby in this new relationship. Just try and relax enjoy yourself with this new man for the time being.

Prehaps he just happened to go out with girls that were younger than him, and didn't choose them because of this. He may not have a preference. Unless there are other signs he lusting over younger slimmer women, I wouldn't worry. I mean, I wouldn't worry anyway (easier said than done) as you're you and beautiful as you are regardless of what a man thinks.

So he’s now 31/32, entered his last relationship with someone who was 8 years younger than him when he was 28/29, and prior to that relationship his partners have always been 5-8 years younger? I’d be out based on that, but it definitely gives lovebombing vibes and he’s desperate for a child, and you are willing.

Don't be with someone less than 2 years before having a DC, you don't know the relationship is stable enough until then.
If he can't wait 2 years, there's something wrong with him.
It's hardly surprising a 20 year old didn't want to have his baby, so if he's claiming that is why they split, it's a red flag.