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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Toxic Friendship - Advice needed

14 replies

TeaBookcats · 15/10/2024 07:24

I have used this group for support with a problem I am having with a toxic friend. I have taken the advice to distance myself, which has been incredibly good for my anxiety. However, I often delay replying by days or weeks, but she keeps messaging me and sending videos of her son, asking to meet us. I just started working and told her I am very busy at the moment, but she won’t give up. She’s trying to find out where I am, where I work, and what I’m doing. It’s been months of this.

She finally said she is going to come to my house or work to give me a present for my son. The problem is, I work with my partner’s mum, I work where my partner’s mum lives, and I met this girl through working for her. She has stopped working there, and I have started full-time. If she finds out I am there, she will start working there. If she shows up, my partner’s mum will come and find me to talk to her. She has even started following my son’s nursery page.

I don’t know what to do. She is high conflict, so just telling her straight won’t help. She just won’t leave me alone. I believe if I block her, she will turn up at my work or home. I even suggested meeting at a kids’ club for an hour during the half-term, but she is ignoring that part. I think she wants to check if I’ll be in during the week because she thinks I am lying about being busy or if I am working with my partner’s mum again.

OP posts:
StopPissingMeOff · 15/10/2024 07:28

Do you think your partners mum would be open to a conversation about your issues and helping input some boundaries with this person? That may help.

olderbutwiser · 15/10/2024 07:37

Surely this is stalking?

https://www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/sh/stalking-harassment/what-is-stalking-harassment/

Have you been able to tell her straight that she needs to stop?

TeaBookcats · 15/10/2024 07:49

This was my last post on a FB group just for a little context. I am a highly anxious person and hate conflict and letting people down. I think I just tried to ignore all the red signs.

She acts inappropriately with my partner, asking him for lifts everywhere and talking about how “they’d get on so well together.” She even buys him beers and keeps trying to get him to do work at her house and her mum’s house. When he does, she apparently doesn’t leave his side, but when she comes to my house when he’s here, she doesn’t talk to him and goes all red in the face.

We went on a trip together, and she knew we had to be back in time for my partner’s work, yet she purposely tried to make us late.

Although her business with her partner is doing well, she has started copying my small side business, making the same types of items I sell and even using my descriptions. This has pushed me over the edge since it’s my only source of income. She often comments on how my partner “pays for everything,” even checking how much he paid for our holiday.

Recently, I had my hair done for the first time, and while she commented, “I wouldn’t spend that much on my hair,” she never said it looked nice. I later saw she went to the same place, asked for the exact same style, and spent the same amount. I’m not joking; she is morphing into me. She’s even getting the same piercings.

She’s rude about my son, making comments that suggest he’s “horrible,” autistic, ADHD, spoiled, and thinks everything is his—he’s only two. When her son acts like a normal 2-year-old, no comments are made.

She gets upset if I talk to other people. If I make friends at the playgroups we attend, she wants to stop going there.

She gets really annoyed if I have to cancel plans, for example, if my son is ill. If I’ve had to cancel a plan one week, we’ll rearrange it for the following Monday, and she purposely won’t message me all day because I had to previously cancel. The thing is, it’s okay for her to do as she pleases. She also tries to set the times we meet during my son’s nap time every time, knowing he gets upset without his nap.

It feels like she’s never happy for me. I can’t tell her anything positive without her getting jealous or making a mean comment. I got a job working for the Royal Mail, and she said, “Oh yeah, great job that is—delivering f*cking post for a living.”

My son accidentally ran over her son’s foot, and she told her son to go and do it back to my son.

She tried to convince me to pull my son out of nursery to meet up with them every day, but I said no; I needed to earn my own money.

OP posts:
TeaBookcats · 15/10/2024 07:50

Thank you for the replies. I will look into them.

OP posts:
prettydesertflower · 15/10/2024 08:05

She is nuts and taking advantage of the fact you avoid conflict and are anxious. And she absolutely knows how much her abusive manipulative behaviour upsets you and likes this as it makes her feel powerful. I know this will make you more anxious but she needs to be blocked everywhere. She will definitely react negatively but just think of how better you will feel with her gone from your life.

MeMyCatsAndI · 15/10/2024 08:12

I'd block her everywhere, tell your dp and mil about her so if she turns up they can say you're not there.

She's a stalker, if she doesn't stop you report her to the police & get a restraining order.

TipsyJoker · 15/10/2024 08:29

www.paladinservice.co.uk

offyoujollywelltrot · 15/10/2024 08:40

I'd be speaking to 101 personally.

Pickles2306 · 19/10/2024 08:18

OMG she's a total fruit loop, sounds like she needs serious psychiatric help! I agree report her her stalking and keep a diary of what she's doing, saying etc etc it's obviously not doing your health any good to let it continue!

lilacmamacat · 19/10/2024 11:25

She sounds highly insecure to me and is dealing with it in the worst possible way. I'm not sure that she realises the extent of what she's doing or what it's doing to you. She definitely needs help, but not from you. I agree with the other comments, speak to your partner and MIL, ask 101 for advice + any charitites, and block her. If it were me, I think I'd tell her why but if you're uncomfortable with conflict, perhaps not. Hope it works out.

Pherian · 19/10/2024 11:28

I’d consider a restraining order. This person doesn’t sound like your friend. They sound like your tormentor.

WhatNoRaisins · 19/10/2024 11:34

It sounds like this has gone well beyond you setting firm boundaries and you need to follow the above advice.

jennylamb1 · 19/10/2024 11:38

Evidence everything- dates of messages, frequency, content of communications and then go to the police to report. Make sure that you have all the info together so that they take you seriously. Sounds Baby Reindeerish.

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