Married to a sex addict

[Kjigvgg]

I need a hand hold, advice, experiences, help. Just totally overwhelmed. DH used to message prostitutes and meet up with someone from a dating site. He got caught, said it was an addiction due to childhood trauma and got mental health support. I stayed with him as I was pregnant and also as I was afraid of what he might do if I threw him out. Didn’t want to have to live with the guilt if he did something stupid. We got couples therapy and worked to rebuild the trust over the years.

Was just starting to feel happy again and found out he’s at it again. He told me because he was worried he may have caught something and passed it on to me.

if I was childless I’d obviously leave him. But our children are so normal and happy. How can I turn their little worlds upside down? We would likely lose the house and have to move to a cheaper area as can’t afford it on my own. How the hell would I even explain it to them? Either now or in the future?

I also wouldn’t want to share custody with him but know the reality is he could likely get 50:50 if he wanted. And as I understand it there’s a financial incentive to do so as they pay less child maintenance the more custody they have. So he gets to behave however he wants and I lose my home and 50% of my time with my babies. How is that fair?!

I also would struggle with the practicalities of being a single parent - school run, my work hours, bed times with more than one, looking after them alone when I’m I’ll, getting enough sleep and down time etc. How do people do it when they’re little?

Also, why do I still feel sorry for DH and try to help him? I try to set boundaries and then feel guilty for doing it. He has literally ruined my life (more than once) and I still have sympathy/empathy for him. Aaaargh. He really does seem sorry and devastated by what he’s done.

Just feel so hopeless. I have no previous mental health issues (though I’m sure I have some now!), I know I deserve so much better. But how is that ever going to happen? As a single parent I’d be way too busy, skint and exhausted to ever meet anyone else.

What IS the best possible outcome here for my kids and how do I make it happen?

You can't stay with someone with so little respect for you. He's never been faithful and he's not using condoms. He's putting your health at risk.

The first thing I would do is get an STI test.
You could then phone Gingerbread and ask all those questions about contact, housing, money etc They have a very good helpline.

You feel sorry for him because you don't see who he is, you see what you want to see. Basically you're in denial.

I very much doubt he'd go for 50/50, he's probably bone idle as well. He may threaten it but he's unlikely to follow through.

You're providing a nice home and looking after the children of someone who cheats. He knows he's on to a good thing so he spins you a tale about suicide and his trauma. He's never going to stop. If he threatens suicide again, call an ambulance.

I'd give a womens refuge a call. Just for a chat if nothing else. It sounds like he hasn't much respect for you (his problem and not personal). But if he doesn't, it will only get worse as he won't like that you're not pulling him up on it and accepting it. You still have empathy because you're focusing on the good bits of him and minimising the bad. But at the end of the day, there are plenty of people in jail who are good sometimes. It doesn't mean you can ignore the harm they cause.. you do need support lined up if you are leaving. Practical and emotional. You could start with a womens refuge for advice

Do you have family anywhere who could support you, even if it means moving nearer to them?
The problems you site of balancing work with childcare, are the exact same problems your H would have if he were to try for 50/50, which is why most men don't in practice.
Can you really envisage sex with him again, knowing that he put you at sti risk.
Sex addict, is just a way of describing promiscuity, and yes, it does occur more in people who have been sexually abused at a young age. Although the original reason may be sad, you are not responsible for it, he is responsible for connecting his self-esteem with sex, hes the one needing different people to boost his fragile ego . Clearly therapy hasn't worked, he is what he is, and will most likely continue to be.
If you stay, know that this will repeat and your health will be at risk if you continue to have sex with him. You could try living under the same roof but co-parent, accepting that others will be in the background. Somehow, I suspect in his mind, it's only acceptable for him to have flings, I bet he wouldn't allow you to, and that is galling.

I would term this sexual dysfunction rather than sex addiction.

It must be very difficult to deal with this now that children have arrived but I assure you that living a smaller life where you are not being constantly deceived, where family finances are not being frittered away on other women, and where you are not at risk of contracting STIs will be much more rewarding than living in a area with a nice postcode and desirable school catchment area with this thoroughly indecent human being.

Don't worry - young children don't need explaining why they are moving house. My daughters fondest memories are from our time in a small rental that we lived in while we were having construction work done on our house. She loved that we were all together all the time.

Your kids will be fine. You'll cope with the logistical challenges of single parenting. What's important is that you end your and your children's participation in this life of dysfunction. Your husband cannot be redeemed. This is who he is.

Mentally disconnect yourself from this life with him and all it's trappings and then you can approach the relevant agencies to understand the logistics of how to achieve it.

Be strong

Do you really want to put your health at risk? You can’t do that. You have young children to raise to adulthood. What if he gives you a very serious disease? He’s having sex with prostitutes without using protection. What low level kind of hookers must these be that allow him to do that? Also, he has so little respect for women that he sees them as a commodity to be bought for his own sick sexual gratification. That’s a deep routed belief system that it’s highly unlikely will be able to be changed.

He has effectively ruined his family because he CHOSE to cheat with prostitutes. This man has zero morals. You need to start seeing him for the disgusting pig that he is.

I’ve been a single mum and sure it’s hard but I can tell you this, it was far superior living as a single parent than to be living with an abusive man. And I have an autistic child who can be very demanding. So if I can do it, you can too. Living with an abusive liar, (and he is being abusive sexually, financially, emotionally) is far worse than being a single parent.

You are also charged with the task of modelling to your children that even if it’s hard, you need to stand up for yourself and not allow people to disrespect you. Do you want them to grow up in a completely awful environment with a dysfunctional family or do you want them to live in a happy home filled with love, laughter and fun? You need to stop putting value in postcodes and start valuing your children’s happiness and your own mental and physical safety.

Since you are working, find out your workplace domestic abuse policy and see how they can support you whilst you end the relationship and get set up in your own home. They may be able to give you time off to view new places, juggle childcare, etc.

Apply to every housing association in your local area and beyond as well as your local council. Tell them you have to leave your home due to domestic abuse and relationship breakdown with your children. They must house you as a priority. They keep a % of housing stock specifically for this.

Ask to speak to a welfare rights officer and see what you could be entitled to in terms of benefits. If you’re on a low income you could be entitled to claim universal credit. Also, UC can pay contributions towards childcare to allow you to work. This could be very useful for you. You might also qualify for certain grants to get you set up in your new home with things like carpets, white goods, beds, etc.

And contact women’s aid. They will support you through this. They will be able to signpost you to a family law solicitor who their previous clients have had good outcomes with. This way you can get advice about your legal options. A common contact arrangement might look like your ex having the children every second weekend from Fri after school till Monday dropping at school and perhaps one overnight per week during the week. This would allow you to have time for yourself and have the children spend time with their father. Don’t see him having contact as a bad thing. It will allow you to have that much needed down time for yourself. And down the line, you’ll be able to meet someone. I did and I’m now married.

I realise it’s difficult but you can’t live like this. He’s never stopped and he’s only told you this time because he’s out your health at risk and worried about getting caught. He has no remorse no matter what he says because he won’t stop. A true apology equals changed behaviour and his is never going to change. Expect better for yourself and your children. This man will destroy your emotional and physical wellbeing if you don’t leave him. And that WILL badly affect you and your children.

If it’s costing you your peace, it’s too expensive.

I separated from my partner five years ago but neither of us wants to move out, so we live in the house on an adult, friends basis. It works. We obvs have separate bedrooms, we chat, share expenses, and sometimes cook for each other. Eventually when we're ready, no doubt we'll sell the house but no hurry.

Would that work for you?

Peace is so underrated. You could be in a different house but not walking on eggshells, not risking your physical and mental health and putting your vhildren first. What will he do next? Hand hold OP.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

There is an article about ‘secret sexual basements’ by Minealla I have attached a link but you can google if you prefer. It’s a 33 page document.

Entitlement is often the cause. Also Many women are sexually abused but they do not seek prostitutes or affairs.

If he was messaging prostitutes to meet them he is having sex with women who may be trafficked and victims of abuse. If he is messaging them with no intention of meeting them then he is wasting their time to get his rocks off. He feels it is okay to waste their time as he wants to text them. Does he feel his wants are more important than their time? (Entitlement).

He has been caught being a shitbag. He is now playing the victim. I believe people can reconcile but from what you have written your partner isn’t reconciliation material.

https://uploads-ssl.webflow.com/61708b185d7d724acc2096da/61a5399eb4455c2a32f84d60_The_Secret_Sexual_Basement_Nov_2021.pdf

While you explore what you want from your future do not have sex with him. He is prepared to pass on life changing/life ending STDs to his child’s mother. Cheating is abuse. Gaslighting is abuse. Having unprotected sex with your spouse while sleeping around is abuse.

How are you emotionally? How are you coping day to day? Cheating can cause a form of PTSD.

Surviving infidelity website has great resources and posters.

What would work for you OP? The only thing you know for sure is that you can't trust him sexually at all and he will not respect any boundaries you put in place.

If you want to stay for the sake of the kids then what about a marriage of convenience for now while you bide your time - no sex with him because he can't be trusted and you don't ask any questions about his filthy little habits. It requires a big emotional step back for you though and the lack of intimacy might be very hard - you also might well struggle with turning a blind eye. There is no easy choice unfortunately.

Do what's best for you now OP, don't rush into any decisions and get yourself checked out for STI's asap. I'm so sorry he's done this to you, you deserve so much better.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

You have options. You know the obvious one. That's the one most people choose. And yes your house will be smaller and potentially in not as nice an area. And all the other things you said.

Or could you split the house into your bedroom and sitting room areas and the same for him, and live as sort of flat mates.

Don't know if your house is even big enough though to have separate bed and relaxation areas? Some people get an outside space too. Or convert the loft.

You'd have to know that you will see him all the time though meanwhile he will be out sleeping with women. Can you be around him under those circs?

Prob why most people leave a cheater. He can't help himself. It's pathetic the sausage rules their lives.

If you don’t want to leave for the reasons you outlined, then the next best outcome is to live together but be separated in every other way. You’re co-parenting roommates in other words.

He's had unprotected sex with vulnerable, desperate women and then had unprotected sex with you. He is absolute scum. You're concerned about breaking up the family - why? You've done nothing wrong. Stop feeling sorry for him. Make a plan about how to go it alone - you don't need to do anything until your ready. Contact Womens Aid as he's abusing you. Stop framing this as an addiction - this makes it sound as though he couldn't help himself.

Living in a toxic environment destroys mental health and destroying your mental health is a sure fired way of destroying your children’s as you are primarily their safe spot in the world. I think you need to make plans to get him out of your life for your own mental health and your children’s future. He is an addict, with an addict brain you simply cannot compete.

Hi OP

I'm also sorry you are going through this. You do deserve better and it's positive that you know you do!

Your DH has made his choices, seeking out sex rather than help with addiction is clearly more important to him than a safe and happy life with his wife and children.

To make the decision to leave is never easy, but if it was me I know I couldn't be around somebody who has such toxic behaviours. As your children grow up what is it teaching them? I don't believe it's better to stay together for the kids. I actually think it's more damaging! It's not going to hurt to look into your options and take it from there.

I've been a single parent I know how difficult it is, but staying in my relationship with my ex would have been a worst fate!

Now you know this is who he is OP. None of the counselling has worked.

Some great advice above. You don’t have to do it all at once. Step by step. But you do need to forge a new life for you and DC.

As PO suggested, get help from women’s aid and start planning how you will separate.

Goes without saying, but don’t sleep with him again. Sure he’ll go elsewhere again, but he’s doing that anyway. Let him risk his own health but not yours. While he’s sneaking around again he may not notice you getting organised.

Each time you feel sorry for him, remember he’s paying women for sex with money he could be spending on DC. He’s risking his health and yours. He’s saying women can be bought.

You absolutely do deserve better. Go and make a better life.

💐

No wife deserves to be treated like that. I know how you feel - I have been in the same situation as you and still suffering from PTSD because of what he did. Once a punter always a punter. He will never change! He spent money on his own sexual gratification instead of on you or his c

......children. (sorry I pressed send too soon on my previous post!)

Thanks so much everyone. I went and got tested today. Tried to phone Gingerbread as well but they were too busy so didn’t get through. Will keep trying & will work my way through the other suggestions too. You’re all amazing 🙏