Feeling stressed about not being able to find a suitable job though husband earns a lot

sleepyhammie · 2024-10-14T22:31:09+00:00

I've not worked since I gave birth in early 2022, but have dabbled in freelance work occasionally. It doesn't pay a lot (maybe 100-200£ a month but some months I get no work at all). My husband earns almost 100k (before taxes) and we live in a small house with an even smaller mortgage, so we save quite a lot each month, about 2-3k. We don't have any other debt. Now that our kid is going to nursery 3x a week (from 830 to 4pm), my husband has been asking me to return to work to supplement the family income. I would love to, except it's almost impossible to get a job in my field that allows me to work just 3x a week, especially since I'm still working on getting my driving license and we live in a rather rural area in the north! Since our kid only started her 3x nursery days last month (before that she was in two mornings every week for the past year), I've only started ramping up the search for remote work, but not getting much results so far. I feel like I'm a leech at times, since my husband works really hard, although I do 100% of the housework/cooking and take DD out to playgroups, parks, etc., when she's not at nursery, and after nursery. As to why DD is in nursery when I'm not working, it's mainly down to 2 reasons - 1) We had mistakenly thought I would get a remote job easily 2) For DD to socialise and learn/play I've got so much guilt and have told my husband that it might be better to reduce her nursery days so that I can better utilise my free time, if I don't manage to get a remote job soon... Is it normal for a spouse to not work when her child goes to nursery most days, even if the husband earns enough?

AgainandagainandagainSS · 14/10/2024 23:35

Given that he earns enough to put her in nursery 5 days, consider this and then your job opportunities are less narrow.

minipie · 14/10/2024 23:48

Honestly? No IME it’s not normal to have your child in nursery if you’re not working, even if your husband earns a lot. Except for a specific temporary reason eg you have a newborn child#2 so want help with child#1, or for studying, or for a specific job hunt period which sounds like you’ve now done.

However from the term after she is 3 which is not far off, you are entitled to 15 hours a week free childcare and pretty much everyone uses this (unless they think their child is better off at home full time). I would suggest you cut her hours down to 15 hours with a view to these hours being free from when she is 3.

Many women struggle to find part time work, especially if you are also expected to do all the domestic tasks and childcare around nursery hours. As a pp said could you consider looking for FT work? Some employers advertising FT will actually consider PT but only once they’ve met you and liked you iyswim.

Lostthetastefordahlias · 15/10/2024 00:13

It’s always been common to put them in nursery 15 hours working or not at 3, as thats when it used to be free - not sure if it has changed now? (Not looked into it as my eldest is 4 anyway). And your DH has a high salary for out of London - a lot of high income families have childcare help whether there is two working parents or not.
So you’ve got pregnant, had a baby, gone through the intense change of becoming the primary caregiver of that child (an incredibly important role), you do all the housework, cooking and all the childcare when she is not in nursery. And you’ve worked freelance. It is incredible easy to undervalue your contribution here because it’s not been wholly economic but it has been absolutely fundamental to your family. And I think a high earning partner can cause some insecurities over the role of the other partner as well, it has done with me. But his high income does not mean the work you have done is unimportant.
Now you have some time to work, I think you should have a good think and communicate to your husband about all the things you already do and who/ how these will be done if you work more. The hours and days are quite restricted, it’s unlike him who has the freedom to work whenever due to your picking up everything else. What is his work like, can he realistically contribute much to day to day housework and parenting? Dont let him overlook or underestimate what you do now. Definitely don’t feel like a leech.
Is there any potential to ramp up the freelance rather than do remote work?
Good luck and don’t lose confidence.

ChristmasJumpers · 15/10/2024 00:24

minipie · 14/10/2024 23:48

Honestly? No IME it’s not normal to have your child in nursery if you’re not working, even if your husband earns a lot. Except for a specific temporary reason eg you have a newborn child#2 so want help with child#1, or for studying, or for a specific job hunt period which sounds like you’ve now done.

However from the term after she is 3 which is not far off, you are entitled to 15 hours a week free childcare and pretty much everyone uses this (unless they think their child is better off at home full time). I would suggest you cut her hours down to 15 hours with a view to these hours being free from when she is 3.

Many women struggle to find part time work, especially if you are also expected to do all the domestic tasks and childcare around nursery hours. As a pp said could you consider looking for FT work? Some employers advertising FT will actually consider PT but only once they’ve met you and liked you iyswim.

15 free hours now begins at 9 months old as long as net household income is under £100k

minipie · 15/10/2024 00:48

ChristmasJumpers · 15/10/2024 00:24

15 free hours now begins at 9 months old as long as net household income is under £100k

Show quote history

Ah yes, sorry I read her DH earns £100k but see it is just under. Hopefully her earnings don’t push them over the £100k.

YRGAM · 15/10/2024 05:39

It's £100k per person, not per household: https://www.gov.uk/check-eligible-free-childcare-if-youre-working

Check you're eligible for free childcare if you're working

Find out if you're eligible for free childcare for 2 to 4 year olds if you live in England - 2 year olds can get 15 hours per week, 3 to 4 year olds 30 hours.

https://www.gov.uk/check-eligible-free-childcare-if-youre-working

Bjorkdidit · 15/10/2024 06:37

Will getting your driving licence help? Perhaps concentrate on that first.

You could look for full time work and use the extra income to pay for a cleaner and extra childcare. Your pension will benefit too.

Is DH aware that you working, especially if full time, means he needs to do half of drop offs and pick ups, DD sick days, cooking and laundry?

Autumnblackberries · 15/10/2024 06:46

You need to look for 5 days a week opportunities as well.
You're very vulnerable if you give up your own earning potential.
Never rely on a man.

Fleetheart · 15/10/2024 06:50

Finding a 3 day good professional job is well nigh impossible. Look for a full time post and then ask for flexible working or part time after you have been there a while.

Calmestofallthechickens · 15/10/2024 07:01

Does your husband plan to do some of the nursery runs? If not - and I personally think if he is earning the majority of the family income then it might not be financially possible/desirable for him to - then he needs to acknowledge the significant constraints you have with getting a job, because you are facilitating his job. I also think it’s very reasonable to wait until you have learnt to drive before seriously job hunting because a lot more will be available to you - can you do an intensive course?

Part time/remote/nursery pick up jobs are very sought after in my sector, but not plentiful, and I know a lot of mums who now work in ‘diversified’ areas (ie not what they trained to do), so it might be worth casting the net a bit wider in terms of roles (obviously not knowing what your job was before, this might not be up your street, but those hours would lend themselves to something in a school like a TA).

The other thing I’d say is don’t wait until your daughter is at school to start looking for work, because it gets harder, NOT easier when they’re at school. Nursery is designed as childcare for working parents whereas school is not (and sometimes it seems to be actively against parents having any sort of commitment even within school hours!) and wraparound is expensive.

Original poster

sleepyhammie · 15/10/2024 09:29

Lostthetastefordahlias · 15/10/2024 00:13

It’s always been common to put them in nursery 15 hours working or not at 3, as thats when it used to be free - not sure if it has changed now? (Not looked into it as my eldest is 4 anyway). And your DH has a high salary for out of London - a lot of high income families have childcare help whether there is two working parents or not.
So you’ve got pregnant, had a baby, gone through the intense change of becoming the primary caregiver of that child (an incredibly important role), you do all the housework, cooking and all the childcare when she is not in nursery. And you’ve worked freelance. It is incredible easy to undervalue your contribution here because it’s not been wholly economic but it has been absolutely fundamental to your family. And I think a high earning partner can cause some insecurities over the role of the other partner as well, it has done with me. But his high income does not mean the work you have done is unimportant.
Now you have some time to work, I think you should have a good think and communicate to your husband about all the things you already do and who/ how these will be done if you work more. The hours and days are quite restricted, it’s unlike him who has the freedom to work whenever due to your picking up everything else. What is his work like, can he realistically contribute much to day to day housework and parenting? Dont let him overlook or underestimate what you do now. Definitely don’t feel like a leech.
Is there any potential to ramp up the freelance rather than do remote work?
Good luck and don’t lose confidence.

Thanks for the uplifting response! My husband is a wonderful and hands-on dad, and he spends his evenings playing with her, and weekends are 100% family time. He does the 3x nursery dropoffs - it is a 5 min drive but 30 min walk away. He doesn't underestimate what I do, that's for sure, but he is very uptight about finances as he didn't come from a privileged background. Before our kid, we were both earning about the same though his pay raise was sudden, and only came after DD was born!

Unfortunately I've been trying hard to get more freelance work but it's hard. Even my current employer has been cutting out jobs for me as it's being outsourced to other countries, or they have been losing contracts to other organisations.

OP posts:

Original poster

sleepyhammie · 15/10/2024 09:34

Calmestofallthechickens · 15/10/2024 07:01

Does your husband plan to do some of the nursery runs? If not - and I personally think if he is earning the majority of the family income then it might not be financially possible/desirable for him to - then he needs to acknowledge the significant constraints you have with getting a job, because you are facilitating his job. I also think it’s very reasonable to wait until you have learnt to drive before seriously job hunting because a lot more will be available to you - can you do an intensive course?

Part time/remote/nursery pick up jobs are very sought after in my sector, but not plentiful, and I know a lot of mums who now work in ‘diversified’ areas (ie not what they trained to do), so it might be worth casting the net a bit wider in terms of roles (obviously not knowing what your job was before, this might not be up your street, but those hours would lend themselves to something in a school like a TA).

The other thing I’d say is don’t wait until your daughter is at school to start looking for work, because it gets harder, NOT easier when they’re at school. Nursery is designed as childcare for working parents whereas school is not (and sometimes it seems to be actively against parents having any sort of commitment even within school hours!) and wraparound is expensive.

My husband does all the nursery runs and pickups as it is just a 5 min drive away, but 30-45 mins walk with a heavy pram! He doesn't really complain about this though because we spoke about this beforehand.

I am learning to drive now and hopefully get my test in Jan or Feb.

I have suggested to my husband that I work in other sectors - I don't even mind working in a farm or a cafe, but he feels that the pay isn't worth the time and $, because then it makes more sense to take daughter out from nursery!!

OP posts:

Calmestofallthechickens · 15/10/2024 09:53

What do you want to do? He might feel the pay isn’t worth it, but he isn’t the one doing it - and there are other benefits to working other than your take home pay.
He seems a bit unrealistic - he wants you to get a well paid job for three days a week in a rural area - he might need to realise that that job doesn’t actually exist and that you have to choose from the options that are available to you…

pinkdelight · 15/10/2024 09:54

I'd look for full-time work and if you get a job, put DC in nursery more days. The limited nursery time is the stumbling block here. Start with what jobs you can get then sort the childcare to fit, rather than the other way around. It's not like you can't cover the nursery costs and need to rely on the free hours. The longer you stay out of work, the more you'll struggle to get back into a decent job so he's not wrong that now's a good time to get back to it.