How to deal with DM who makes everything about herself

[Redhothoochycoocher]

My DM is a thoughtful, super smart, very loving woman. She is also always a victim, can make anything about herself and twist any situation to make it about herself, even better if it's to paint her circumstances in a bad light.

My DB and I have talked about it so I know it's not just with me and tonight speaking with my DH he also mentioned he noticed it.

Example might be talking to my (young) kids they'll show her a drawing they've made and she'll immediately ask them if she's in it and to make a drawing for her. I'm aware that seems like a petty example but I can't stress enough that she does this in basically every interaction. We've recently had a family bereavement, my DB and I had a closer relationship to this person but still DM talks incessantly about her own feelings about it. So much so I daren't mention my own grief to her for fear of triggering a monologue about herself.

She is a complicated women. A friend recently described her own DM as difficult and I was so jealous of her ease in using that word. I feel an incredible amount of guilt describing her that way but she is. She is so difficult and increasingly so as she gets older.

I've been invited on a fab holiday, for me and my family. We'd just need to cover cost of flights and everything else would be paid for. I've had multiple invites for about 7 years and never been for fear of the anger this will cause my DM in not receiving an invite herself and the feeling of exclusion it will trigger in her. I've told her I'm going this year, I'm not denying my kids a fantastic holiday and she threw a strop about it.

In the past when things have been very bad between us I very nearly decided to go no contact with her. Life would be so much easier if I didn't have to worry about treading on egg shells around her but decided not to. I love her and care about her but she makes it so difficult.

How can I manage this relationship without letting her get to me? I've tried gray rocking with limited success.

Tell her how you feel. That you love her but she upsets you by making everything about herself. Maybe she needs some self reflection. Say with with love in a non-confrontational way. She might not like it and she might have a strop but at least she can’t say she wasn’t aware because nobody told her. If she doesn’t change her behaviour or at least try, have another conversation with her about how you need to cut back on spending so much time together because she’s making you anxious with her negativity and victim mentality.

This and then leave her and when she cries, shouts or plays the victim - repeat saying it and that you will go no contact if she can’t reflect and stop ruining everything

I say this gently OP because it's such a bandied about term but Google Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. It maybe that you can recognise some things and find some space between her behaviours and your reactions to them.
Good luck and so glad you're going on the holiday!

That’s so sad that you’ve missed out on holidays because it will upset her - she should be happy for you!

Reframe it in your mind that she thinks her feelings are more important than your children. Allow yourself to feel annoyed at this. At her for putting you in that position and yourself for allowing it.
If she can't be happy for her child and grandchildren to live a lovely life with happy experiences that aren't all about her then she frankly needs to fuck off for a while.

I cut contact with my mother 5 months ago, she was similar. Made everything about herself, could never offer a supporting word or two when I needed it, always interrupting. The last straw was when she ruined my son’s birthday, but that’s a different story. I hope you’re ok and able to start putting some boundaries in place.

Gosh I spent last night reading about this and it felt close to home. Almost creepy. I don't think she's a narcissist but lots of traits.

Very good advice to twist the perspective that she is stopping my children from a great experience but making it about herself. That gives me confidence to steam ahead with the holiday

You may love and care about her but she does not think the same re you or your kids. In reality you’ve also received the Special Training to put her needs first with your own dead last. You have missed out repeatedly on going on holiday due to your mother raging because she is not going!. You may not think she is a narcissist (why not if she has lots of traits?) but such people like your mother are really not worth bothering about. Those that do have had the Special Training. If you have siblings how are they treated?. What about your dad here, is he in your life?

I would keep her well away from both you and your kids, you need to be both permanently busy and otherwise unavailable. Re boundaries your mother will
likely ignore any you care to set. I would also read Will i Ever be good enough by Karyl McBride.

There are different kinds of narcissist. Some are obviously malignant, others are vulnerable. The end result is similar- it’s all about them- but they can be handled in different ways.

If you want the relationship to continue, you find ways to manage it. For me, it’s about manipulating situations so she’s busy, we’re busy, but everything looks fine.

DM needs it to look as though everything is great, she doesn’t actually understand what that feels like though. So cards and flowers are just as good as actual relationship. If she can’t look like ‘Best mum ever’ she’ll go for ‘wonderful elderly lady cruelly abandoned by her family’.

So organise yourself around that idea. Set up invitations to places and events she can’t spoil. Arrange reasons why she won’t like the events you don’t want her at. So do climbing parties and tell her the venue is really cold and no fun to hang around at. A disco party where it’s too loud to talk. That kind of thing. You get good at it over time.

You don’t need to do anything as drastic as cut contact. Call her on it. Tell her what she’s doing and how tiresome it is. She feels how she feels about that — not your issue. Then point out every subsequent time she does it. Just say ‘You’re doing it again, Mum’ and take yourself off. ‘Punish’ the tiresome victim-y behaviour by removing your attention or presence. ‘Well, mum, it’s not all about you. Got to run.’ Even if you’ve just arrived. Reward by sticking around if she doesn’t turn everything around to being about her.

She sounds like a horrot.
Not someone to have around your children a lot.
See a lot less of her.
If she strops about it, see less again.
She behaves badly because she has taught you to accept awful behaviour from her.
Time to put your children and family first and see a lot less of her.

Loads of great comments from posters here. The thing that jumps out at me is that you start by saying your DM is a thoughtful, super smart, very loving woman. I think this is the Special Training talking. You then say that it would be really, really hard to think or say that she is a very difficult woman. But OP, she’s not thoughtful or very loving, is she? A thoughtful and very loving person would have insight into your feelings, would genuinely want the best for you and your family (including being pleased you have the opportunity to go on a great holiday without breaking the bank), and a super smart person would use their great brain to be self-aware enough not to turn every tiny thing into being about themselves.

How would it be to recognise as posters say that she is a very needy person, who is not able to be truly thoughtful and kind to those who are closest to her, but who you might be able to manage as posters suggest?

In the end, if she carries on this path as she gets older, her future does not look good. It’s in her own interests that she does not drive you and other family away so actively choosing to reset the relationship may be a kind as well as a necessary thing to do.

It's very difficult when you love someone but find the behaviour hard to deal with. Accept that this is who she is and that she's unlikely to change. Then you can decide how much of the behaviour you are willing to take. I wouldn't allow her getting in a strop to stop you doing things. You are not responsible for how she reacts, she is. You can try talking to her but in all honesty it's unlikely to change things (if she has a victim mentality she will just see it as more reason to play the victim)

Rather than go no contact, can you lower contact? When she goes into a victim monologue, can you briskly cut her off with a change of subject? You can only control your own behaviour and reactions so work out ways you can assert your own boundaries.

Here are some quick tips for dealing with a DM who makes everything about themselves:

1. Communicate: Share your feelings privately.
2. Set Boundaries: Define roles clearly.
3. Encourage Inclusivity: Suggest collaborative storytelling.
4. Provide Feedback: Offer constructive criticism after sessions.
5. Model Behavior: Include others in the narrative.
6. Talk to Players: Discuss concerns with the group.
7. Consider Alternatives: Explore other gaming groups if needed.
8. Focus on Fun: Keep the game enjoyable.
9. Use Humor: Lightly point out shifts in focus.
10. Decide on Participation: Step back if it’s not enjoyable.

Open communication can often help improve the situation.