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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling sorry for myself

13 replies

NowWeGotBadBlood · 14/10/2024 16:32

I am surrounded by weddings and babies yet my marriage has ended because my stbxh had an affair. I always thought I would have more than 1 child but that option has been taken from me. I thought I had come to terms with my life but hearing about pregnancies, seeing new borns and celebrating others weddings just makes me feel so unbelievably alone and sad. I don't really know what I want writing this down I think I just want to say it out loud. I know people have it harder than me and I know I should focus on what I have but God it hard when I get yet another happy announcement that I have to celebrate. I am genuinely happy for everyone else just brings such sadness when I think of my own life. Nothing is how I thought it would be

OP posts:
category12 · 14/10/2024 16:51

Sorry you're feeling sad.

How long is it since your marriage broke up?

Are you really out of time to have more biological children or is it a case of feeling like this is your life now and you won't find someone to have that chance?

NowWeGotBadBlood · 14/10/2024 16:58

category12 · 14/10/2024 16:51

Sorry you're feeling sad.

How long is it since your marriage broke up?

Are you really out of time to have more biological children or is it a case of feeling like this is your life now and you won't find someone to have that chance?

It broke down around a year ago. Still sorting through seperation. I just feel alone because it's friends and family with the weddings and babies so I don't feel like I have any rl support and people don't realise how long a seperation can take.

I don't think I have time biologically. I'm late 30s so by the time I am settled in my own place, meet someone and am with them long enough to introduce to my child/ meet any they might have and move in together I think I will be fast running out of time if not already out of time.

I just feel like I have lost everything and I sit at home alone crying when I get given another round of great news. I'm the only one in my family and friendship group that is single. That has gone through/is going through divorce. My career feels stagnant and I know I'm going to struggle financially. I'm trying to focus on career options etc but it's so damn hard when I'm constantly in the throw of a wedding or baby and I just want to curl into a ball and cry

OP posts:
category12 · 14/10/2024 17:08

I'm sorry. It's OK to grieve what you've lost. It's OK to feel upset at what might have been.

It might be worth talking to your gp or a counsellor (employee assistance programme if there is one) to help you through a bit?

You're not alone, lots of people go through it. 💐

(And not to be doomy, but other people in your circle have it to come.)

NowWeGotBadBlood · 14/10/2024 17:17

category12 · 14/10/2024 17:08

I'm sorry. It's OK to grieve what you've lost. It's OK to feel upset at what might have been.

It might be worth talking to your gp or a counsellor (employee assistance programme if there is one) to help you through a bit?

You're not alone, lots of people go through it. 💐

(And not to be doomy, but other people in your circle have it to come.)

Thank you. I've done so much counselling to get in a good place just so hard to implement the positive thinking when it's one after the other after the other. Just hope the feelings are less intense when I finally get the divorce papers and am in my own place. At least then I will have freedom

OP posts:
unsync · 14/10/2024 17:47

You need to grieve the life you thought you were going to have and everything that entailed. It's perfectly natural to feel as you do, although not many people talk about it. It's as if your hopes and dreams have been killed off. Until you can start to form a new life with new hopes and dreams, it's OK to feel sad for what you thought you were going to have.

NowWeGotBadBlood · 14/10/2024 17:53

unsync · 14/10/2024 17:47

You need to grieve the life you thought you were going to have and everything that entailed. It's perfectly natural to feel as you do, although not many people talk about it. It's as if your hopes and dreams have been killed off. Until you can start to form a new life with new hopes and dreams, it's OK to feel sad for what you thought you were going to have.

Thank you. Maybe this will give me a push to full divorce and a new start. It feels scary but maybe some new hopes and dreams will emerge in the process

OP posts:
roses321 · 14/10/2024 18:00

Perhaps someone needs to give you permission to be able to feel like you dont' want to deal with everyone elses "happily ever after" right now.

Please do not feel as though you have to feel happy for everyone else, you really don't. I am sure in your heart you are happy for them, but you need to put yourself first and foremost. You have been through a hell of a situation and to have the pressure of being happy for others on top of that is a lot.

It's alright to acknowledge that other peoples good news makes you feel like shit right now because you are dealing with grief, betrayal and trying to find your way in a new life when you never thought you would have to. It is actually ok for that to be how it is.

I always thought I'd have kids, never did. Always thought I'd have a husband, never happened (there's time i suppose but still, i wanted to be a young bride). I alwasy thought i'd live in a house with beautiful furniture and lovely carpets - I was there a year and I was so unhappy I had to leave.

My point is that sometimes life throws you a hell of a curve ball, and you're left spinning and trying to work out what happened after it smacks you right in the face. You do not have to immediately get up and start clapping for everyone else - you can sit there spinning for a while and get your bearings. When I went through something like this my sister got a new boyfriend and was going on about how amazing it was and how great he was (he wasn't and they broke up but that's another story) and I used to want to burst into tears because I had just lost everything.

What I have realised from things is that I used to consider life this linear path, and I realise now that it isn't, it's full of ups and downs. For all you know, you could be married to the most amazing man ever in another 2 or 3 years time, you could start your own business, you could find the new hobby you never even knew you loved. I've met so many amazing people after I got out of my LTR, I felt so lost for so long, it was truly horrendous. It does change though and it does get better I PROMISE you it does, but in the meantime you have to really give yourself some grace and if things make you feel shit it is absolutely acceptable to cordially distance yourself from them and aknowledge that right now you are going through some shit.

Society kind of sucks because everyone is clapping when something amazing happens, and when it all falls to pieces they're like "oh sorry to hear" - the people who need the support are the ones who have had the fall, not the ones who are having a grand old time. Perhaps this message will reassure you that it's alright to give yourself permission to not give a fuck about Karens babyshower or Kates engagement party or Toms promotion today and that despite being happy for them, your bandwidth needs to go towards what you are dealing with right now which is a lot to handle.

I'm sorry this is so long but I do genuinely want you to give yourself a bit of leaway and realise that society is pretty annoying sometimes, and that you deserve to have support and time to get yourself on the right path. When you have your bandwidth back you can go right back to helping with the party catering, but for now it's ok to not bother.

Contrarymaryt · 14/10/2024 18:40

my husband had a year long affair and after much soul searching, we reconciled and went on to have more children. That was ten years ago now. Don’t let mumsnet tell you that LTB is the only outcome.

Autumnblackberries · 14/10/2024 18:40

Give yourself permission to miss some events.
I totally get it. Been there done that.
I just skipped a university reunion because I knew it would all be coupled-up people and I would feel like I've failed. I haven't failed btw, and neither have you, it's just that divorce makes you feel weirdly ashamed and 'less-than' sometimes.

The other thing that's hard is coping with what I call 'useless memories' Past times where I thought we were genuinely happy, but clearly not in his view. I choose to thought block them as soon as they come into my head. One tip I read on here was to imagine these memories in sepia rather than in colour.

It does get better. I was done with having kids so don't have that issue. I do feel terribly lonely though, and as if I've missed the boat now with men (aged 48)
My advice is focus on building up your female friendships, and doing what you can (as a single mum) to improve your career and money. Pets help.
One day your story will help someone else sadly. Men don't surprise me any more.

NowWeGotBadBlood · 14/10/2024 20:30

roses321 · 14/10/2024 18:00

Perhaps someone needs to give you permission to be able to feel like you dont' want to deal with everyone elses "happily ever after" right now.

Please do not feel as though you have to feel happy for everyone else, you really don't. I am sure in your heart you are happy for them, but you need to put yourself first and foremost. You have been through a hell of a situation and to have the pressure of being happy for others on top of that is a lot.

It's alright to acknowledge that other peoples good news makes you feel like shit right now because you are dealing with grief, betrayal and trying to find your way in a new life when you never thought you would have to. It is actually ok for that to be how it is.

I always thought I'd have kids, never did. Always thought I'd have a husband, never happened (there's time i suppose but still, i wanted to be a young bride). I alwasy thought i'd live in a house with beautiful furniture and lovely carpets - I was there a year and I was so unhappy I had to leave.

My point is that sometimes life throws you a hell of a curve ball, and you're left spinning and trying to work out what happened after it smacks you right in the face. You do not have to immediately get up and start clapping for everyone else - you can sit there spinning for a while and get your bearings. When I went through something like this my sister got a new boyfriend and was going on about how amazing it was and how great he was (he wasn't and they broke up but that's another story) and I used to want to burst into tears because I had just lost everything.

What I have realised from things is that I used to consider life this linear path, and I realise now that it isn't, it's full of ups and downs. For all you know, you could be married to the most amazing man ever in another 2 or 3 years time, you could start your own business, you could find the new hobby you never even knew you loved. I've met so many amazing people after I got out of my LTR, I felt so lost for so long, it was truly horrendous. It does change though and it does get better I PROMISE you it does, but in the meantime you have to really give yourself some grace and if things make you feel shit it is absolutely acceptable to cordially distance yourself from them and aknowledge that right now you are going through some shit.

Society kind of sucks because everyone is clapping when something amazing happens, and when it all falls to pieces they're like "oh sorry to hear" - the people who need the support are the ones who have had the fall, not the ones who are having a grand old time. Perhaps this message will reassure you that it's alright to give yourself permission to not give a fuck about Karens babyshower or Kates engagement party or Toms promotion today and that despite being happy for them, your bandwidth needs to go towards what you are dealing with right now which is a lot to handle.

I'm sorry this is so long but I do genuinely want you to give yourself a bit of leaway and realise that society is pretty annoying sometimes, and that you deserve to have support and time to get yourself on the right path. When you have your bandwidth back you can go right back to helping with the party catering, but for now it's ok to not bother.

I really needed to hear that. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it. I feel guilty for feeling sadness at other people's happy news and have very much been faking it until I make it bit maybe that's not the way to go

OP posts:
NowWeGotBadBlood · 14/10/2024 20:33

Contrarymaryt · 14/10/2024 18:40

my husband had a year long affair and after much soul searching, we reconciled and went on to have more children. That was ten years ago now. Don’t let mumsnet tell you that LTB is the only outcome.

I have spent a lot of time in therapy to realise I deserve better than my stbxh. It wasn't the first time he cheated and wouldn't have been the last. Turns out every time I needed him the most he wasn't there but I sacrificed a lot for him. Never again will I be in that position. It's hard to walk away because it is easier being in a couple in this world but I would rather be alone than have another knife shoved in my back and twisted by him

OP posts:
NowWeGotBadBlood · 14/10/2024 20:38

Autumnblackberries · 14/10/2024 18:40

Give yourself permission to miss some events.
I totally get it. Been there done that.
I just skipped a university reunion because I knew it would all be coupled-up people and I would feel like I've failed. I haven't failed btw, and neither have you, it's just that divorce makes you feel weirdly ashamed and 'less-than' sometimes.

The other thing that's hard is coping with what I call 'useless memories' Past times where I thought we were genuinely happy, but clearly not in his view. I choose to thought block them as soon as they come into my head. One tip I read on here was to imagine these memories in sepia rather than in colour.

It does get better. I was done with having kids so don't have that issue. I do feel terribly lonely though, and as if I've missed the boat now with men (aged 48)
My advice is focus on building up your female friendships, and doing what you can (as a single mum) to improve your career and money. Pets help.
One day your story will help someone else sadly. Men don't surprise me any more.

Edited

Thank you for sharing. I am surrounded by wonderful women but all are in a relationship and family planning. I need to broaden my horizons! Once I pull myself together again my focus will switch back to career and building the life I want for me and my child. Just doesn't feel like I've had much luck for a while. Maybe that's my mindset making everything seem much worse. I'm giving myself permission to comfort eat and cry tonight then tomorrow I will pull it together again

OP posts:
EG94 · 14/10/2024 20:39

Standing with you in sympathy and solidarity. Turning 30 in a few weeks, going through break up involving trauma bond and abuse and somehow I just feel so sad. Dreading my birthday and struggling to get through the days. Everything is a bit more grey and I can’t find joy in anything. Rational me knows I have my whole life ahead of me and hopefully I’ll meet someone new. Doom and gloom me thinks I’ll be alone forever.

I don’t have any words to help. Just know you’re not alone xx

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