Fed up of having a silly crush

[Justwanttoforget]

I've name changed for this, but have seen similar threads. I've had a stupid crush on a guy I see around for 2 years now and I'm so ashamed and feel so stupid that I can't forget about him.
I'm married and have 2 DC, my marriage has been in a bad place for years now, the biggest issue was that we had no intimacy for 4 years -this was mostly because of my husband but its a long story.

I got to the place where I thought ok he's a decent dad, does put in effort with other areas of our marriage, so let's work on it hoping that things would improve, during that time i developed this crush.
Although now my marriage is better, I still can't get over this person. It's making me miserable because nothing can happen ,and although I have a fairly busy life I can't forget about them.

There is no contact between me and this other person, I actively avoid going to places where I might bump into him. But it's like it's just making it worse, I have no idea what this person is really like. I know they are married and I think he also has/had a thing for me too, sometimes if I am just looking around and catch his eye he's already just looking at me. There just seems to be this awkwardness/tension around when we are crossing paths.

Limerance. Google it. Im In a similar situation right now except I did have something with this person and he ended it. I can't forget about him.

Nc for this .

I frequently have crushs , they tend to last a couple of months or a year ish .
Sometimes it's someone I know , sometimes it's a actor , singer , or even just someone I have seen in the street .
It can be all consuming, esp if it's someone famous as I constantly watch their films / listen to their music.

I am single so I am not hurting anyone except myself by driving me mad.

@Justwanttoforget I think as long as you don't act on your thoughts and keep working on your marriage you will be ok.

I just googled. Sounds very similar, except I dont them to reciprocate but if they didn't maybe it wouldn't feel this consuming.
Hope you can get through it.....is the idea to just wait it out?

Thanks, it's like really difficult to just keep avoiding them, and sometimes I noticed my mood improves if I see them. And avoiding them is making me miserable too lol
See I don't tend to have crushes, last one was when I was a teenager. I hope this fades soon.

A crush doesn’t have to be a bad thing; crushes can offer a happy escape from reality, help us figure out what we like in our partners and make us feel more alive. A crush doesn’t have to be limerence, which is on a different level and is more consuming.

As long as it is not reciprocated and stays in our imagination a crush can be positive. It doesn’t always have to be suppressed unless you believe it is having a negative effect of real relationships.

Thanks, that's a quite a positive way to look at it, at first I wasn't too bothered, just saw it as exactly that a crush. Will fade, but because it hasn't even after months of not seeing them I'm just a bit confused.
And I'm not head over heels in love with my husband that's not helping.

I'm not surprised you've fixated if your marriage has been bad for years.

You openly recgonise it's a bad marriage. Why stay? Because it certainly doesn't benefit the kids btw. Not in the longterm at least. An unhappy mum and a miserable relationship example on which to base their future relationships.

You've checked out (understandable!). You know you're trying to convince yourself you can fix something long...well, over. No wonder you're fancying other men. Your current partnership ended years ago in everything but writing.

Crushes are good. They remind us we are here to live not just to survive.

If its all consuming and making you sad however...it's because you're unhappy in your current life. Make the changes. Rip the plasters off. Choose a happy life. Then next time you have a crush, it might lead to a happy marriage.

I think crushes are really hard when you suspect/know the other person feels the same way.

It's a life you know you could have if circumstances were different, and that can be a very difficult pill to swallow when your actual life is dissatisfying in some way.

I suppose there is nothing else we can do. I have to frequently see this person it's unavoidable and it's a horrible feeling.

NC too for this. I have had a few crushes. Nothing I would do anything about but end up drifting off with my thoughts. It comes and goes in phases and usually with people I know. Although after a little while I go completely off them which proves to me it's just a wierd crush in my head and it would never be worth it. I'm not sure why it happens tbh. I have questioned myself over it and whether I do it because deep down I'm not satisfied with my marriage. I do love DH but I actually think it's just down to the monotony of life sometimes and fantasising about something temporarily different.

It is hard when you keep seeing your crush.
For me one of the worst times was when I had a crush on a manager at one of the places I worked, he wasn't my manager but I frequently had to liaise with him on joint projects.
My heart would race and I'd stumble over my words it was embarrassing!.

I have no idea how or why but it faded quite suddenly and now when I see him there is nothing there at all .

But those months were hard work !

Crushes are built on sheer castles in air fantasy.

They are horrible while they last, but can go Pop very easily.
I can look
at pics of my old crush ( who was flirty) and feel nothing now, thank goodness!

I have seriously considered asking for separation but I know the hardship it will bring divorcing with young children, so I want to get into a better place myself if we do eventually go our separate ways.
I am having therapy and im working on my self worth. I suppose I am staying because of the support in raising the children and the family time I get from my husband. It works for a lot of people but I think because the physical aspect isn't there I'm struggling.

Is this crush more attractive than your husband ?

I think this is it. I didn't notice this person until I noticed that they kept being around me, obviously we all get attention here and there but we don't fall for that person.
This guy just came out of the blue when I was thinking I am completing done with men. Then I realised I fancied him.

For me yes, he's got the looks I have always found attractive, I never fancied my husband in the same way, I was drawn to his kindness so it wasn't a problem at the beginning. I feel really bad because obviously my husband can't control his looks but he just doesn't put effort in either.

This must've been so hard, I feel better in that I don't need to see them all the time.
I get the whole stumbling over words too!
I hope I can get to that stage too soon, because it's a distraction I could do without!

Limerence is really kinda awful to be honest. But it's also addictive.

It is one of those things where you kind of need to firmly look at the logic and force yourself to think about something else. There is no other real option here.

For me yes, he's got the looks I have always found attractive, I never fancied my husband in the same way, I was drawn to his kindness so it wasn't a problem at the beginning. I feel really bad because obviously my husband can't control his looks but he just doesn't put effort in either. @Justwanttoforget

Sounds exactly like how I felt about ex-DP (it was during our relationship that I had intense crushes). I just never really fancied him. He was kind and decent and it was a lovely relationship in many ways, but there was no sexual attraction/chemistry.

@tellywindown , I agree with you , I think our minds are looking for excitement, risk and adventure.

It's so all consuming that over hearts follow .

@Justwanttoforget , you Say that your marriage isn't great and I know how hard that can be but please don't make any decisions that will alter yours and your family's life forever while you have this crush.
Dont ruin what you have for something you are never going to attain .

Definitely trying to separate the two, like a previous poster said, I've got to look at it logically.

Does logically mean waiting until you're sure he fancies you though.

Forsight to see problems ahead would be thinking logically.

Very hard to do when those endorphins kick in.

I don't intend to do anything about this crush, I have no idea, he could be very happy and is just bored, in which case he'll get bored of me too. This is the most likely scenario.
Most advice is to cut contact, which I have and it's annoying I haven't got over it yet. I feel like I'm wasting my own time and emotional energy now.

This! In same boat, just posted similar thread and this popped up. It’s the feeling of wasting valuable time over someone who is never going to be in your life properly, as a partner. Can’t get it to stop. Some good advice on this thread. I feel like I don’t want to stop thinking about him but if I can just cut it down to a little section of each day, like a little fantasy to escape from my dull but not terribly unhappy marriage, then what harm is it? Then maybe in time I’ll get bored of that, move on and the crush will finally fade. It’s just having the strength of mind to control myself to only think of him for maybe half an hour instead of letting my thoughts run away with me.