I need a hand hold please!

[Jam177]

I think I'm ending my marriage and I'm absolutely terrified. Things haven't been right between us for a long time but we've been trying really hard to make the family work (we have 2 DDs - 4 and 2). We had couples therapy 3 years ago and I had solo therapy last year, and we do have good patches, but we just keep coming back to the same place. My gut just says it's never going to work and I can't keep going in circles and feeling so unhappy all the time.

Noone in either of our extended families are divorced, I never expected this future and I'm just totally heartbroken and so scared of how we will cope. I can't bear the thought of not seeing my girls all the time, and will obviously be going to a significantly lower income. All of this makes me wonder if it would be better to stay, but my gut tells me I'll be happier if we separate. He doesn't want to split up (although I'm pretty sure that's primarily for the girls rather than for our marriage) so the decision will basically be all mine and I'm so worried I'm being really selfish and ruining everyone's life.

Please can I hear any experiences of this, I'm an absolute wreck right now xx

I stayed for way, way too long. Like you, had no real one big reason to leave, just a gut feeling of “this can’t be the rest of my life”.

I left, and years later realise that the relationship was worse than I could see at the time. I’m with someone who I truly love now, and I’m so much happier. Sounds like you know you need to leave. Good luck 💕

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply ❤️ Did you have kids involved? If so, how was it/is it on them?

I did. One, and they were late teenager when we separated, adult now (4 years later). Was awful at the time but they’re over it now and chose not to have continued contact with their dad after how the separation proceeded.

my DW is the product of unhappy parents who stayed together "for her benefit"

the guilt she carries is tremendous, knowing that their 40+ years of unhappiness is because of her (even though she had no say in it)

hearing years of arguments, insults, suicide threats, seeing packed suitcases by the front door

i think as a child, she didn't know any better, but as she grew, and started to see what normal healthy households looked like, she's really struggled, and it's had a huge impact on her sense of self worth, and her own relationships

Not seeing your girls all the time is horrible to begin with but actually once you start being able to rest up, keep on top of the house and develop your own hobbies whilst they are away you become a better mum for it. The housework and chores are done during 'dad time' so that the time you spend with them is almost all high quality, rather than them just being in the house whilst you do other things.

And vice versa is true too, Dad has to do all the parenting when you aren't there and can become a better dad rather than you being the default parent (as is so common).

Drop in income is annoying but everyone gets used to it eventually and accustomed to the new situation and your children are too young to really miss the old way.

How was your marriage before the kids came along? You say you had couples counselling 3 years ago, so was something triggered by the birth of your first child? What are the issues?

The marriage was never wonderful to be honest. Obviously we had good times but have always had recurring issues with my underlying feeling that we're just not right for each other 😕