Realizing you’re gay when married

[Alltheusernamesaretakenomg]

If it took you until your mid twenties to even consider you might be bisexual. But then met someone of the opposite sex, fell in love, got married (for all the right reasons - not hiding anything, not even thinking about sexuality at all at this point).

After having kid #1 started to feel stronger attraction to the same sex, felt almost shocked to realize that yes, you’re definitely bisexual. But it wasn’t a big deal. Not a huge part of life. Just the odd crush, didn’t think much of it.

After having kid #2 this feeling really intensified including getting a couple of crushes on people of the same sex that were even more intense.

Realizing, in the light of this, that the attraction to the same sex is more strong than the attraction to the opposite sex had ever been.

Realizing that if you weren’t with your current DP you’d probably never be with someone of the opposite sex again.

For the last few years have been only attracted to the same sex. But still love DP and family together. Have young children and don’t want to cause pain and split up something lovely.

Sometimes, life gets so busy that this isn’t even an issue and it’s not even thought about. Sometimes this doesn’t seem to matter and fades into the background of life. Sometimes this seems really important and all that can be thought about. But not always - really comes and goes in intensity.

DP works abroad but feel happy when they come home and really enjoy time together/family time. Feel stupid for worrying about this so much and like it can definitely just be forgotten about for the sake of family. Feel ridiculous to even be thinking about it. When they leave again, it feels like more of an issue and start to dream about life as an openly gay person.

Have never cheated. DP know about bisexuality (pretty out as bisexual to friends etc) but nobody knows about potential homosexuality!

WWYD? Always see posts on MN saying the gay person is wrong in this instance and is a liar/leading someone along/being cruel. But is it really awful to stay together even though we have young children and do love each other? Never wanted to lie and never wanted to mislead anyone. Genuinely didn’t know.

I don't think you're a liar or leading anyone on. Your attraction has changed. This happens all the time in heterosexual ways too— people's physical attraction to the people they're in a loving committed relationship can wane.

Seems like you have three choices...

1. Accept that life involves compromises and your family and current situation is more important.
2. Split up now or later, hopefully amicably, so you can pursue this.
3. Open your relationship / explore polyamory.

That last option might be a way to thread the needle with this, but it'd have to be sensitively handled.

Being bisexual doesn’t have to be 50/50, it can even be 99/1. You can also feel more physical attraction to one sex and more romantic attraction to another. It sounds like this might be the case with you and your partner. Unless people are polyamorous then we all make a choice to stay with our partners regardless of whether we find other people sexually attractive or not.

Esther Perel has some good podcast episodes on her couples therapy series, which cover similar ground to this
She seems to advocate for a more flexible view of marriage - and if it’s working for you, then it’s fine.

I’m not sure about the part where the intensity/balance of your same-sex attraction seems to be a bit of a secret though. I know it’s always the answer on here but it sounds like the kind of thing you need some professional help over to work through? Ie is this secret kind of bulging out at the seams a bit and is it sustainable for you?

Also - are you waiting until kids grown up etc? In which case it is more fair (I feel) to open up to your partner about this now.

delicate territory. If you seek a therapist, see if you can get one familiar with lgbtq issues and relationship configurations (eg poly) if that’s something you may consider.

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Thank you so much for your kind replies, I thought I was going to get flamed! At one point my DP suggested that I could explore things with the same sex more - that it would be fine for me to even have a relationship with a person of the same sex. It really surprised me as it kind of came out the blue (knew I was bisexual but I hadn't been speaking about it, it sort of came out of nowhere at that point.) I think this was another turning point for me, because I realised just how much I wanted to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex. I hadn't realised quite how much I'd wanted it before. So in a way, DP saying that made it worse - or at least, made me more certain of my feelings towards the same sex.

DP kind of got cold feet about it a bit. First fine about it, but then got a bit grumpy, and ended up asking me not to tell if anything happened, which kind of made me feel like it wasn't something I could really pursue as I can't stand lying. Part of me wants to bring this up again, but honestly I think I'm a bit scared to. Because if DP said no then it would force me to confront something really scary which is the fact that I'd need to make a big, horrible decision. But I think opening things up might be the only way forward - the perfect solution, if it was all really okay.

In reply to PP, waiting until my kids have grown up seems cruel in a way - like I'd be wasting DP's best years and then ditching them. I agree that honesty is needed, but it's very scary.

I do think I need a therapist. I've actually been looking into it. I'm just very confused. Sometimes I'm sure I'm totally gay. Sometimes I think, as a PP said, I am bisexual but just far prefer the same sex! However, I just don't really feel any attraction to the opposite sex at all anymore (and feel very attracted to the same sex!). I just don't want to blow everything up. I think PP nailed it when they said that it feels like this secret is bulging out at the seams. That's definitely how it feels right now! It isn't sustainable. I feel I'm about to explode sometimes! I do need to talk it through properly. I'll look into therapy again. Thank you so much for the advice!

Yes you are a liar if you know you are gay and haven't told your spouse. Tell them now and don't waste any more of their time.

Are you attracted to your partner ?

For starters - you dont need to be too hard on yourself, there is nothing you have done wrong.

I am not sure what label fits you best, but I also dont think it matters. It does matter - and is significant that you love your H, and have a good time with him. And you have a you g family - that is a happy place for your kids,
and both of you atm, it seems.
I do not think you are wasting your H’s life - i think you two are raising a family.

I also think he is rather evolved in saying you can have your explorations. And - dont see anything wrong with him not wanting to know details - most people would not want to have a mental image of their spouse ‘explorations’.

I do also think its not quite fair to compare your attraction to your H - who you share day to day life with, to the attraction to new experiences. Of course newness is more exciting. Especially when its free and hedonistic, not part of daily drudgery.

You have a good setup - your H is Ok
wtih you experiencing and acting up on your sexuality. And there is a natural time to do it - when he is away. Go for it.

When kids are older - you’ll have a much better idea of what you want. After all - you have been in a relationship with your H - you know how that feels. And you have only fantasised about sexual experiences with women, but haven’t actually tried.
You fill know a lot more about yourself in a few years.
Take your time. You dont need to explode your life now.

You’re not a liar, or a bad person. Sexuality changes and it can be a real mind-fuck, particularly when you’re otherwise happily married to a man.

My situation was almost identical - I did end up exploring (with my husband’s permission) and it really only cemented the fact that I’m gay and not bisexual.

I don’t have the answers. I’m still with my husband in our otherwise happy marriage! But I do also have a girlfriend (who I met on mumsnet (👀).

I know when I was where you are, I spent a lot of time searching the internet to find people in similar situations. There are plenty of us, feel free to DM me if you want to chat more.

Thank you @jsku your kind reply. I am so glad I posted!

@HappyHumpDay I’d love to DM you if that’s okay! Will send a message later! Thanks so much

Given that your DP works abroad, so is away a lot, I'd say there's a fair chance he's had some interactions that you don't know about. That's possibly why he's still got as far as giving you the green light as long as you don't tell him.
Especially if intimacy has dwindled lately. I'd say its already a case of 'out of sight, out of mind' and in at way, you having suggested what you'd like to do, just gives him more justification, especially if there is no intimacy.
It adds up to less stability unfortunately, and if he's a DP, you are not married? Do you work despite him being away a lot and having DC's? If not, you have a lot to lose.

Lol, just realised you said married although called him a DP later on, so that confused me.

This. Especially the bit about us choosing our partner - we make a choice and then we don’t just pursue every person who we might have a good time with. There will always be another option. A person could go crazy if every time the settled down they thought ‘oh what if’ and ended it.

If you’re unhappy, leave. But if you’re happy, enjoy and be thankful.

Sorry if it wasn’t clear - this was in the past, before moving abroad. DP went off the idea afterwards and hasn’t mentioned it again since being abroad. It’s something I might need to bring up.

Re: your questions, we are married and yes, I work and am not financially dependent on DP anyway. Am the higher earner.

OP, as a 40 plus woman who discovered my bi side (although certainly not lesbian) in my 30s, which was a huge surprise; l think sexuality can be quite fluid. I’ve also been shot down in flames for saying this on MN before.

Where are you on Kinsey?

l reiterate what a PP has said up thread, you are not a liar or a bad person. Far from it. It looks as if you are not only discovering yourself but treading through that discovery with caution. Upbringing mainly comes with a heterosexual assumption.

Although your intimacy with your husband has dwindled, often the case in many long term relationships, how do you feel about sex with him?

Thank you again for the replies! To answer this - on the Kinsey scale, it puts me as ‘homosexual with heterosexual tendencies’. 😕

I don’t know how I feel about it to be honest. Like I enjoy it when it comes to it, but I never really want to do it? I don’t have a desire, it’s not something I’d suggest or initiate, and could go without. I feel hideous writing that down. I rewrote this message like 3 times because I don’t know how to say it in any way that doesn’t sound horrible. It didn’t used to be like this - during my second pregnancy my sex drive totally vanished and when it came back it was only aimed at women 🤦‍♀️ I am very sexually attracted to women. And not only sexually! It’s not all about sex, although it is very much about sex. I guess the problem is that my feelings towards women are so strong that I don’t know if I can live my life being happy knowing I’ll never be with a woman. Agghh, even writing this down is difficult. I’m not sure I’ll ever have the guts to say it out loud.

Sorry to dredge this up after so many months. I have been feeling something similar for a little while and came across your thread; I wondered if anything has changed since you last posted, or how you’ve dealt with things?