Friendship circle dwindling - mid-40s

[Onemoretimeround]

So I've let go of quite a few 'good' friends in the last year and my close circle is getting smaller - this worries me sometimes, and I don't know if it's normal -

• one friend who cancelled six times in row, never asked me about myself, and then expected me to support her IVF journey on a big whatsapp group.
• one friend who I supported through her divorce, then she went awol and moved to Australia, then she came back and didn't tell me - then expected to pick up where we left off, having made no effort.
• one friend who's just hard work when I see her - negative and draining
• one friend who I felt bullied and constantly judged by...
• the list could go on...a lot who cancel plans and just don't support...

It's a hefty list, and is this normal at my age? I'm 45 and def perimenopausal - would quite like to cut off a load of family too tbh but this is less straightfoward.

Yes I think it’s normal. Your needs and wants change as you age and that causes some relationships to drift apart. You also have more life experience and I think that takes off the blinkers and we can see people for who they really are instead of our rose tinted version of them. Nurture your friendships with those who reciprocate. Everyone else can remain an acquaintance. You don’t have to be close to everyone you know. As for cutting out family, just distance yourself if you can’t cut out problem family members. Always protect your peace. If it’s costing you your peace, it’s too expensive.

I am the friend that appears to have been “let go” by most of my friends in the last few years. It’s hard.
I’m 46, our kids are very late teens but most of my friends have a primary aged child still so I think part of it is that they still need a babysitter, still doing swimming lessons, organised activities etc.
No one seems to want to do anything anymore, some don't even respond to a text even. I do worry what will happen in 10 years time when kids have left home…I think people just withdrew into their families during Covid and things have never really recovered.

I went through this with a few long term friends and was really upset, but if it reassures you, I have more than replenished my circle now with some lovely new friends. It was like they needed the room to come into my life and it's been great.

I think mid forties is a real time to review things and tolerance for unhealthy dynamics disappears a bit

I'm in the same situation. It's left me feeling quite lonely actually. I'd love to make some new friends but I find that quite hard these days, everyone seems so focused on their family and home life.

God, I've done a massive cull of my friends over recent years OP.
I'm 48.
I do think our age is a factor, definitely.
For me, I just got to the age where I thought, I'm not spending my time anymore with people who piss me off. And so many of my long standing friends pissed me off. Judgemental friends. Materialistic friends. Tactless friends. Insensitive friends. Self absorbed friends. Gradually, I just started to think fuck it, I cannot be arsed with them anymore. I'd rather be in my own company than in the company of people who make me feel worse.
As it happens, I've made new friends. I didn't try, they happened naturally. And I'm much happier with my new friends than I was with the friends who pissed me off the whole time but who I kept on persevering with purely because I'd been friends with them for a long time.
If I died tomorrow, I'd have far less people at my funeral, for sure.
But it's such a liberating feeling!

I think you have to be a bit more tolerant of flakiness or accept you're going to lose most of your friends! Partly it's more socially acceptable these days and partly life is very full on for most people in their 40s. I'd have given the first two friends on your list a pass tbh, they both sound like they have a lot going on. Of course you don't have to if you don't want to, but making cast iron, -rain-and-shine friendships in your 40s is a big big challenge.

Those reasons are all reasonable OP.
Life is too short to spend with people that drain you.
I think as we age we can make fresh friends that meet us where we are at and not expect to be carried.
With family, try and avoid no contact but drastically reduce contact using any and every excuse like work, children, health, whatever, but fade them out steadily.

Do not be guilted by people to see them.
Reprocosity is very important in relationships and well worth loosely tracking.
If anyone is asking too much of you repeatedly, and you know it really isn't reciprocal, time to pull back.

I think there’s two camps: no friends are better than rubbish friends, or any friends are better than no friends.

I’d figure out which camp you’re comfortable being in. It’s fine to have standards and expectations for your friends, but just make sure you’re communicating those expectations and being reasonable with them, as ultimately everyone comes first in their own life.