Am I in a bad relationship ? Or is it me ?

[ForCheeryRobin]

Please help guys !!

I’ve been with my partner ( not married ) for 15/16 years.
we’ve had our ups and downs and split up but got back together ( it’s always me who begs him back )
we split for nearly a year in 2016 and I moved out but I hugely regretted it as I love him . In hindsight it was a good move as I got to buy my house out of it which I rent out.
He runs a successful business which I’ve seen him build from scratch. We live in a gorgeous house with 3 acres of land to which I have my ‘ dream life ‘ of Donkeys, goats , a pig , dogs , cat etc .
i don’t work because we have an autistic son who is 10 & I know this sounds bad but I don’t need to as he earns such good money .

He is really good looking and a lovely person .( I think) …he’s 48 but looks about 35.
but …. He also makes me feel like a piece of shit .
he will speak about me like im some sort of horrible person and does not let go of stuff from the past.
he gives me anxiety and scares me and i feel like i put on a show just to keep him happy,
He says “ fuckoff & make me a happy man “
” this is my house “
“ I’m not marrying you”
“ I’ve yet to find the one “
all in arguments may I add .
he will moan about the state of the house & the animals & call me lazy as I sleep sometimes in the day. He throws the fact I never helped him with his business at me repeatedly
I did work full time until we had our son .
i suffer with depression & anxiety and have not had that much of a good life. Not having a pity party but I find life really overwhelming sometimes and I get so exhausted , sleep is my escapism .
our house is not bad . It’s normal ! he is very old fashioned & black & white and like his tea on the table etc .

50 % of me hates him . 50 % of me wants to leave him .
i love him but I don’t like him very much … and I am a good person & I truly think I deserve ‘ better ‘.
but the other 50 % is terrified . I don’t care about being on my own but the thought of heartbreak and to see him move on with his new partner will BREAK me .
im not sure if I am just an ungrateful little brat tho who is lazy or I am with a bully ? And a control freak ?
I wish I was stronger cuz I’d leave him but I am just too scared of losing such a hardworking man who provides for his family etc .
and he might be one of life’s good ones but it’s just me and I’m a shit girlfriend ?

You aren’t living the dream life. You’re living a materialistic life with an abusive man who you are solely dependent on. If he woke up one day and ended it and didn’t give in to you begging him to take you back then where would that leave you? You’d have no job or money so I do think you need to work. He’s warned you that it’s his house etc.

If there is one thing I’ve learnt from MN is that you can’t rely on a man. I think you would massively benefit from getting a job for the sake of your own mental health and future security. Sleeping during the day could be seen as lazy if you have a child who is in school. Start working on your anxiety and depression. Is there any reason you haven’t helped with the business? He probably is resentful of you doing nothing for a decade but that doesn’t excuse his comments.

I still find it unbelievable that you don’t have rights for common law marriage. In Australia after a relationship that long with a child it would make no difference if you were married you would still be entitled to half the assets you built while together.

You have trapped yourself into an abusive relationship without realising it. You’re not living an idyllic life, you’re living a nightmare where your escape strategy is oblivion when you sleep.
You have to wake up to the reality of this. Start by getting a job, any job, to give you some financial independence, then start working on an exit plan.

I'm sorry OP but how can you really say the he is " a lovely person" and then go on to describe the things he says to you, and also say he makes you feel like a " piece of shit"?
A lovely person would not say such things and would not make you feel like like a piece of shit.
No life style is worth putting up with such an unequal relationship.
You really would be better finding a job and working on your independence and self esteem.

If you were the one working in this story, MN would be crying “cocklodger”. Of course he’s resentful that he doesn’t feel you do very much. He shouldn’t say the things he says to you, but it definitely seems there is more to this.

He is not a lovely man. No lovely man would treat his partner like that. This is not ok. You deserve better. Being on your own would be better than what you are dealing with.

He is not one of the good ones. He is an abuser. He is emotionally abusing you.

i hope you can get to a place where you can see that what is happening to you is not normal or acceptable.

He sounds horrible, but I'm interested to know how you have bought your own house if you don't work?
It sounds as if you can afford to live without his input, albeit not to the current standard. However, you'd have more self-respect if you worked, and it doesn't sound as if being at home is making you happy. Does your son go to school?
I think you need to make changes for the sake of your own mental health.

He is not a lovely man. He is a nasty, cruel and abusive man. The way he speaks to you is vile. This is not love. He is not loving towards you. He has ground you down and is the cause of your anxiety and depression.

You need to leave and I promise you, being single is better than being with someone who treats you like shit. For your son's sake and your own, get out of this relationship and find some peace.

Can you look for a job, either working from home or termtime? You need your financial independence and he will have to pay child support. Can you speak to Women's Aid for support? They will help you make a plan to leave.

He shouldn’t treat you like this, it looks he has lost all respect for you, but it seems money is on your mind a lot, not to lose “such a hardworking man who provides for his family”, your dream home, how you got a house from your last split…

Also, you had plenty of time and money over the last 10y to try to improve your depression and anxiety, have you done anything else than hiding and letting him do all the providing?

I m not sure this awful man is totally responsible for this sad and bitter state of things.

@Neodymium - why would they? The point of getting married is to make a legal contract between each other. If you’re not prepared to get married, you aren’t agreeing to make that legal contract.

Rights about child support don’t require marriage, but shared financial assets do.

This would be the same if it were the OP with the wealth and not her partner.

Well in Australia it is to stop men like the OPs partner using her to build his wealth, raise his child, and refuse to marry her and treat her like crap.

if you live with someone for more than 2 years you have the same rights as a married couple.

You don't love him. How can you when he calls you names? You love some bits of him when he gives you crumbs etc.
You love this life and how he looks and how it looks and you are ready to overlook his abuse of you.
Go see a counsellor on your own for at least six sessions talk it through then think next steps.

Doesn’t the OP have agency, @Neodymium? So isn’t she equally able to say bugger this and leave a bloke if he won’t marry her and she thinks it’s important he does?

She didn’t choose to do that, and she decided to have a child with a crap bloke. It happens.

But she’s not penniless here, she has her own property and rental income. He can’t touch that.

He's absolutely not a lovely person. He's an abusive arsehole. Surely no "lifestyle" is worth this?

Someone who behaves this way is not lovely. He sounds absolutely vile.