I separated from my exdh of 20 years + a few months back. We have 3 teenagers and share custody.
I'm just struggling with my relationship with him and feel like it's an underlying stress for me.
Basically, over the course of our relationship, he would gaslight me, refuse to talk to me for days, storm off by himself for no reason if we were out with the dc, drive off in the car for hours not telling me where he was going, roll his eyes behind my back, shout at me, punch walls or furniture. Just before we separated, we were in the kitchen, I said something completely innocent to him and he turned around with a knife in his hand, shaking with anger and baring his teeth.
He also refused to do any housework, childcare, DIY etc for our whole relationship.
In between all that he was always nice to the dc, always happy to go to the park with them or listen to music/watch TV with them. He and I would often have enjoyable times going out for a coffee, film, having a meal. We could always have a good conversation. It all sounds so strange I know that there were good bits among the awful bits.
It was so confusing for so long, as I just couldn't get my head around his "jekyll and hyde" behaviours. I'm still processing it all really. Most of my family and friends don't know the whole story, I kept it hidden for ages and I'm just not sure why. I don't think I could believe it myself and I kept questioning of I was making a big deal of it. I also excused it as I put it down to his mental health problems.
Currently, the set up is that he has the dc every other weekend and half the school holidays. During the week, I work late a couple of days and he comes round to mine to cook dinner for the dc (he isn't working at the moment, that's another story). He also uses my washing machine as he doesn't have one at the place he is renting. I go round to his once a week with the dc for a "family meal". We also are all together, either at mine or his, for special occasions eg birthdays, Christmas etc.
So basically we are trying to keep it amicable for the dc. But what has got me thinking was talking to a friend of mine recently about everything. He was incredulous that after the way my ex had been emotionally abusive to me for years, with zero apology, that I was being amicable with him. He said that if someone was like that with him, there is no way he'd let them in his house or go round to theirs for dinner etc.
It got me thinking - I know I have struggled with asserting myself and I feel my self esteem got lower and lower over the course of my relationship. I don't know if it is showing low self esteem to still be kind of "friends" with someone who essentially abused me. And to be honest I don't feel comfortable with how it is but I don't know how else it can be. My ex does not really show me the emotional abusive behaviours any more, he did still at the beginning of our separation, but hadn't done for a while as I made it clear I wouldn't put up with it any more.
I know part of this is probably me - since my separation I have felt so emotionally exhausted that I haven't really been meeting up with friends as much. So when I see my ex now, I do sometimes enjoy chatting to him, simply because it's nice sometimes to have someone who you know well that you can chat to. And I have been trying to still have a "family unit" for the dc. But maybe it's a bit of a pretence.
Just wondered if anyone has any thoughts on this situation? Thanks.