Husband giving silent treatment

[Skc27]

Hi all, I'm a first time poster, have no one to go to about this for advice so thought I would post.

A bit of background, been married to my husband for 9 years and we have 3 young children together.

Anyway we have been saving for a house for quite a few years (currently living in a 2 bed apartment) and the other day we got into a bit of an argument.. the issue is he doesn't ever save money towards a deposit. I've saved 10k in the last couple of years working part-time through sacraficing my wages and he's probably contributed £500 towards our deposit which is no exaggeration, luckily we have accumulated most of our deposit in our current home but this is besides the point. Anyway in the middle of the argument I was heated and went on to say "I shouldn't have settled with you so easily, your the first guy I settled with" then I said "oh I mean you're the second guy" because I was in a serious relationship prior to meeting my now husband and he knew this from when I first met him. I ended up losing my virginity with my first ever boyfriend which he also knows so not sure what made him say "thanks for reminding me that someone else's d*ck has been inside you". Then he walked out to go to work and we've not spoken since.

We are both ignoring each other even though we go in the same room around our kids but we do not talk or even look at each other. I don't understand why he has not tried to apologise to me. It's been 4 days of not talking and this never normally happens, I keep thinking how may be I should just call our whole marriage quits, there's other things I don't like about him too, like his laziness with helping out around our home. Or staying up late and then getting up late the next day and never helping with our kids in the mornings etc (he does shift work so that's why he is normally home in the mornings).

I'm not sure how I should approach this whole argument, I feel he should be apologising as he was so rude to me and also quite foul too. I don't think I should apologise because I was speaking facts about him not trying to help with saving up.

Any advice would be really appreciated. Thank you x

He's being a bit of a prick isn't he?
A bit jealous and maybe you were his first?
Anyhow, it's quite aggressive of him to shun you and he really needs to talk to you and also listen to you.
Give him a kick, metaphorically, up the whatsit.
Good luck.

He sounds very immature. The silent treatment is emotional abuse. Can he communicate and work things out usually or is this normally how he deals with things? Has he always made a drama out of your past?

You’re both not speaking to each other. How did you expect him to respond when you said that you ‘settled’ for him? That is a horrible thing to say. Do you not recognise that? Have you apologised for saying such a terrible thing?

However, you say things like that and don’t realise it is insulting. He doesn’t pull his weight with kids, and you’re not on the same page regarding money, perhaps it is time to look closely at your marriage.

@username3678 No, he is terrible at communication especially when it comes to arguments, we don't argue much but when we do and when we talk about it after he doesn't really even say anything about it. He likes to brush things under the carpet. No, he's never even mentioned my past before so that's why I was taken back by that comment of his.

I agree with pp that the "settled for " comment you made was extremely hurtful and cutting. It sounds as though his comment to you was to try to hurt you in retaliation for what you said.

You do seem to have a lot of resentment about him. I think you need to make a move to end the current deadlock after your argument. Ask him if he you can both sit down and have an open discussion about the issues in your marriage and ways to fix them.

If you can try and talk things out there may be a chance of saving the relationship. But if you really can't even discuss what's wrong then really I don't see the point in staying together.

@Pinkissmart Looking back at it now, yes, I agree it was insulting him without me really realising it because I was just so heated and in the moment thinking of all the things that I do like working my ass off at home doing everything for my kids and him never doing the same, as well as working and saving and him not putting the same amount of effort into that either. When I was thinking about all the other little things regarding laziness, I had a sudden rage and just said it out of anger, I still don't think it was bad as what he said to me though. I will apologise when/if the time comes for confrontation but at the moment I'm quite disgusted with how he spoke to me.

@Lifeisarealchallenge Yes I think you're right, he did say it in retaliation to what I said, I couldn't see that before but now thinking about it, I do realise.

I will try make the first move, normally we are really good together and no issues but recently I've definitely got a lot of resentment because I feel I'm doing everything and he doesn't share the workload with me. Feels like I'm drowning at times, the thing is I've expressed this to him before and he says he will help, then shows me 1 day of doing things and sharing the workload and then the following day it will be back to square 1.

He sounds like he doesn't bring much to your life. Plus the savings. Sounds like you can manage better on your own anyway.

Laugh at him.
That’ll encourage him to talk, although probably not in the spirit of love.
He reminds me of my dad. A 13-year-old in a man’s body. He’d say the most horrible things to my mum, counting on the fact that I wouldn’t understand. I didn’t understand - but what he didn’t count on was the fact that I have a very long memory. And now I not only remember, but I understand all those awful words he called my mum.
Remember you have three children who also have long memories.

Sounds like you both acted badly.
What you said was insulting and hurtful, his knee jerk response was as well.
Apologies on both sides are needed.
If you think the reasons you have listed are enough to end a marriage, I respectfully suggest you both grow up and learn to communicate.
Marriage is hard work at times, terrifically easy at other times.
You have young children, your husband works shiftwork, life is hectic.
You are a team, so learn to work together without the blaming and sulking.
Your children see everything and you are teaching them how to have relationships.
Good luck.

You say you’re good together but that’s only because you do everything.
As soon as you ask him to step up you argue.
So the pattern for the rest of your married life depends on how much you’re willing to carry the workload.
Think about that.

So I just approached him and asked why he is not talking to me. He basically said because of "you" and I said because of what I said about "settling for him" and I apologised. The funny thing is that's not even the part that's he's mad at, he knows I didn't mean that part but he's mad at the fact that I reminded him of my previous relationship and he completely doesn't care what he said with regards to his foul remark. He said he should have gone with someone else who basically was a virgin as well because he was one. I was only with 1 guy before him and it was serious for 3 years where we were speaking about getting married etc so I'm not sure why he's acting like I've been around with all these other guys when that's never even happened. He's literally the second guy I went with and it was serious for 5 years before we made it official and married.

I told him about how he doesn't bring anything to my life anymore and I feel like we're not a team where I'm running around doing everything and haven't got any support and he just stayed quiet the whole time and doesn't care, he didn't even respond with many words apart from the losing my v to my ex - this is his whole issue. I told him how ridiculous after all these years all of a sudden you have a problem with me, how pathetic seriously! I told him it's best he leaves for a few days and stays elsewhere as I cannot be living with someone punishing me for something they knew about when we met. He's bonkers!