Stuck between adult child and partner

[Crivvit]

Both of my children are adults now. I raised both of them the same way but they both turned out so differently, and one ended up doing some truly terrible things. This did not happen recently, and I did not have contact with this child for several years and only rekindled it more recently. It hasn’t been easy and there are days when I struggle with it but I also really want to keep the contact alive.

My partner is also giving me a hard time because he strictly opposes the renewed contact, which makes this even harder. I understand his position but I also feel disheartened because I feel that I can’t do right by anyone and I am stuck in the middle.
I can’t help feeling responsible for the way some things turned out, and I wonder how other people deal with situations like this. I can’t forgive myself and I do feel responsible and I dont think that I can turn this off. I’m not even sure what I expect from writing this down as it probably won’t be making any sense but maybe it’s enough to just write it off my chest.

It’s not your partner’s place to come between you and your child.

What made you decide to rekindle the contact? Were you with your partner before thus happened? Was he around when the terrible things happened? Giving him the benefit over doubt, is he just trying to protect you?

Ultimately though, it’s your decision. You decided to reconnect for a reason and he needs to accept this.

Absolutely this. IMHO, and speaking for myself my children and their emotional welfare COMES BEFORE ANY OR EVERY PARTNER. That would be a lifelong commitment too. Unless they had abused or hurt me. They didn't ask to be born; I shall support them to my grave.

The only time a third party should come between two people is when one of them harms the other.

Did your child harm you, or was violent with physical things eg hitting walls or throwing chairs?

I'm guessing it's something terrible that your child did to make you cut contact for a couple of years? Your partner doesn't have to forgive and forget but he does need to understand that as a mother you want a relationship with your child. Do you think it's heading towards an ultimatum, what do your blood family think (grandparents/sinlings/bio dad of the child)?

A lot entirely depends on what your child did.

My mother's parents marriage almost ended because one of them gave her repeated chances and the other simply couldn't forgive her abuse of my siblings and I.

Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, is he concerned for your safety? Is he worried that you will end up getting hurt either emotionally or physically? He shouldn't be giving you a hard time but I think his concern for you is understandable. I would imagine that things must have been pretty awful for you to cut contact with your child for several years.

Is your partner judging what your child did and saying they don’t deserve your contact, or is he worried for your physical or emotional well being due to the contact? While this is in the end, entirely your decision and not his, I think those are quite different scenarios.

Yes, I think he is concerned that I might get hurt but there is also some resentment against my child because of bad encounters that they had had. I understand that and I would not let my son get back into our lives like before all of this happened. He just doesn’t seem to understand that I just want to keep some contact to know that he is alright.

because of bad encounters that they had had.

The devil is in the detail here.

If your partner genuinely wanted the best for you then he’d understand that you need to have a relationship with your son. It is his place to support you in that, not make it harder for you.

It depends what he did, how much it hurt you, how at risk you are because of it etc?

I don't think I can common enough bsed on what you've posted.

I don't think it's a partner's place to come between a parent & child, but if there's a safety concern I can understand it.

I am in a similar position to you OP. I also cut contact with my son but rekindled the relationship recently because I need to know that he is alright. We'll never have life like it was before, but at least I get to talk to him on the phone weekly and see him a couple of times a year. My husband on the other hand (not his dad), will never speak to or allow him in the house again. He doesn't come between me and my son's contact though.

It depends, if you are at risk of being hurt by your child, or they will turn up at the home you now share with your partner and cause issue there, then expressing concern would be reasonable.

Does your partner live with you?

It's really hard to judge the situation without knowing what your son did or how it impacts your partner.

What impact does it have on your partner if you still have contact with your child? For example are you giving your child money and does your child come into your house or take up an awful lot of emotional energy?

Oh well, it's not surprising he's not happy about the renewed contact then. Moving forward though, what does this contact look like? If it's just weekly phone calls to check in and a once a month coffee at a cafe so no meetings in your house or where DP could accidentally meet him then DP should back off and accept your contact. If it's you trying to work towards a family Sunday dinner every week or a joint Christmas dinner this year then I think you need to change your expectations. So what does the contact look like now, and what are you aiming for?

It sounds like he's hurt you both, not that it happened before you met your partner. If he did awful things to you both it's more understandable. It matters what he did and to whom.