Was I harsh in my response? Or did he deserve it?

[namechanger90845]

A while back I was I contacted out of the blue by an ex who I was involved with approx 15 years ago. I've always had the same email address for as long as I can remember, so I guess it was easy for him to know how to contact me.
We were together for around a year, but I ended it after it became increasingly obvious that he wasn't willing to defy his parents' wishes of an arranged marriage. Also, he made constant excuses about why I couldn't meet his family, excuses ranging from language barriers to his parents' xenophobic ideas. I heard countless excuses over the whole time we were together.
He was well-educated but sadly his parents were illiterate and uneducated. They would never "agree" to him being with a "foreigner".
So, I made the decision that we'd best split. In order for him to prepare for his arranged marriage and for me to start looking for someone better suited to my needs.
This was about 15 years ago. He married about 6 months after we split (entirely predictable). At the time of receiving his email with this news I wishes him well and said hope he'd be happy.
Fast forward to 2016, he emailed out of the blue to say he was returing to the UK on a business trip and would I like to meet? I politely declined, urged him to show some respect to his wife.
Then at the end of 2022 he started emailing again but I ignored all of them. They started from "long time no hear" and "Hi, how you doing.." type of stuff to declarations of ongoing love and writing about how he's always regretted his arranged marriage and should have been stronger enough to stand up for "us" when I was giving him so many chances to do so 15 years ago.
Said he'd never stopped loving me and hopes we can give it another go one day (no mention of if or how he intends to get out of his arranged marriage btw).
I didn't reply. Then, I received mail at my home address, he'd paid a people tracing agency for my address.
At this point (by which the emails had continued for over a year), I emailed him and basically told him it's his own fault. He'd chosen his own circumstances and had chosen to stay in them, despite being so miserable. That he needs to address things with his wife if genuinely unhappy with her, and that I'd never be interested in re-starting our relationship. That I've moved on and no longer have time for his self-pity or listening to him whinge about his parents/culture unless willing to stand up to them. I said he's no longer my type and that I'd never want to be with someone as pathetic and spineless as he was.
Was I harsh? Or did he deserve to be told how much he'd hurt me in the past, because of of his pathetic self-pitying ways and refusal to stand up and marry me when he had the chance?

You did the right thing. He's a spinless wimp and needed to be told so. Also he's a dirty creep looking for a leg over. Yuk.

Personally though I would've gone one further and warned him any further contact would be treated as harassment and I'd be noting it with the police (whether you actually do that is besides the point, he needs to think you would do that).

Not harsh enough. I'd have told him to fuck off and never contact me again or he'd find himself reported to the police for harassment.

Nope seems fair

That would have been my response too.

Thanks for the replies. Just to clarify, he lives on the other side of the world these days, so not really sure the police would be able to do anything. He's not replied since I sent my scathing email about his cowardice, I guess he's licking his wounds and accepts that it's his own fault that he's in a depressingly miserable arranged marriage. I'm not particularly worried about any "repercussions" per se, just wondering whether I was perhaps unduly harsh or could have worded it in a gentler way. If he's feeling as low as his emails led me to believe, then perhaps I was a little brutal. I don't know.

I had an ex like this, we were together when I was 16, then ten years later he kept trying to contact me. It honestly really freaked me out, I told him I was reporting him to the police and informing his current partner/family that he's harassing me. He continued so I took screenshots of everything and sent it to his partner. Thankfully I never heard from him again.

You weren’t brutal, you were honest. He can rue all he wants but it doesn’t change his behaviour back then. What was he expecting from contact - for you to have pined for 15 years and fall back into his arms without further thought? What a total banana. I don’t even know you and am proud of you!

I think you were brilliant! 👏 👏
Such weak men deserve to be told.

He's hopefully quiet because you held a mirror up to him, and he sees himself for who and what he is; and has accepted he doesn't deserve your time.

Well done to you!

No, you weren't harsh.

I think this is the third time you've posted on this subject.

Do you perhaps need counselling, even after all this time (?)

Because the level of thinking about it, posting about it, and second guessing yourself about it suggests maybe you could go with counselling about it.

I hope you've had significant relationships etc. This should be a vague, long gone thing in the past. A long ago ex bf who conformed to his culture and whom it was probably a mistake to date.
He was disappointing in his choices back then, but now he's actually behaving dishonourably - given he has a wife & presumably family with her, very immaturely ...and almost stalker-y to you (and does he know your relationship etc circumstances; because it's incredibly intrusive and inappropriate to behave like this when the person is likely to be in a significant relationship and possibly have kids? Even if they weren't it's still intrusive and inappropriate).

That is his character...it's not a reflection of some great love.
If it was a great love, he'd not have dumped you in the first place or he's have exited his marriage some time since. He's still not even saying he's doing that.
He just sounds like Mr mid life crisis.

Oh and sorry but if seems to me that he sees women from our culture as useful for sex.

He had a relationship with you when young, in spite of knowing (and I'm sure he did) that his parents wouldn't accept him ever marrying you and that he'd have an arranged marriage. That it would go nowhere. Not a very fair thing to do to a young woman, especially when I'd imagine he didn't clearly spell out the above to you when you were getting involved, becoming intimate etc.
(That would probably have put a high proportion of women off getting involved and being intimate with him).

Now, he's back apparently looking for romance, emotional intimacy, and we can guess what else ; while married, and with no suggestion he will become single.

Kinda consistent there.

But he's trying to spin you as the love of his life, and I fear from the number of threads that you've been a bit vulnerable to that narrative. You may not have fallen for it (to get involved) but I suspect emotionally, you are affected by it.

I'm guessing he doesn't get much chance to cheat in his culture. The married women probably don't have the freedom or opportunities to do so, and would probably suffer hefty consequences if they did, that they'd rather avoid.
The unmarried women are probably rather controlled and restricted (and generally married off young).
But I bet if he had easy access to an attractive woman for his mid life crisis affair, he wouldn't be emailing a Western girlfriend from years ago or paying to get her address.

This.

He wants a free bit on the side. Now he is bored. Not virtuous to marry though.

Maybe he wants a escape plan from a worrisome part of the world depends where he is based.

He's based in Canada now (originally from a peaceful part of the middle East). Excellent career.

Ok fair enough if it is Canada but he comes on business to the UK, he does not mess in his own doorstep, how insulting, doesn’t even say he is divorced.

I think this is the third time you've posted on this subject.

Oh is this true? In which case then there are other things at play - you’ve not resolved this in your mind? I’ll be honest, I had a relationship break down in 2019 and it cut so very deep that I have never dated since. I am preparing to get my feet wet in the next month or two as I don’t want to be single forever, but it has taken me this long to truly reconcile myself with what happened and how it happened. If you’ve posted three times then there is more to this, isn’t there?

This is the third time you’ve posted about this in the last few months (unless another poster has the exact same situation as you).

It is worth you seeking counselling, since you’re still rehashing this over and over again? It’s not healthy and it seems like you could really do with talking it through with a trained professional, instead of letting him live in your head.

Edited to add: like other posters suggested, I would’ve also asked him to cease contacting you.

He wasn't offering you a real relationship back then (he knew his family would never accept him marrying a western, presumably non Muslin woman and he knew he'd have a wife arranged for him) .. he knew your relationship had a time limit.

I find getting involved with someone and being intimate with them actually cruel in those circumstances..... Especially if you've not made it abundantly clear those are the parameters from early on. And I have my suspicions he didn't. Because he wouldn't have gotten a girlfriend and sex life. (Or it's very unlikely).

He's still not offering you a real relationship because he's married.

And not even offering timescales for divorce.

He's selfish.

It's about what he wants and what suits him.

I really wouldn't waste any more of your time thinking about it.

If he splits with his wife he can find you again.
You'd actually not be wise to get involved with him even then, due to his behaviour to date.

Imagine how his wife and kids would feel if they knew he was emailing an ex girlfriend, and trying to meet up with her when on business, and paying money to get her address.

He's still probably very restricted in extra marital romance and sex opportunities by socialising within his culture/community.

And if he's in medicine (?) that's a small world that you really wouldn't want to shit on your doorstep in.

He knows you were attracted to him, in love with him etc back then. He's already been intimate with you (even if it was ages ago); easier than trying to find and groom an extra marital affair partner.
(And maybe using sex workers is not up his street. Maybe he's worried about his rep if seen/caught).

I find him selfish and exploitative. That's coming through the "love of my life, missed opportunity" schtick.

(And if he's in STEM) that's still very male dominated and wound lack opportunities).

*And maybe using sex workers is not up his street. Maybe he's worried about his rep if seen/caught).

I should add that of course; some men are not just looking for a physical connection. They are looking for romance, emotion, feeling cared about etc too.

In any case, it seems like there was a long gap between him marrying and him making contact - the better part of 15 years (?) Doesn't sound like he was all that desperately unhappy for quite a while in his marriage. Seems more like classic mid life crisis timing.