Partner and girl on social media

[anotherdayanotherissue]

Looking for opinions please....

So, boyfriend of two years....on his social media theres one girl in particular where he has liked 90% of her pictures (from before we met and after) shes a friend of a friend of his, shes early twenties, were late forties. I confronted him 2 weeks ago and asked him about her and it told him it made me feel uncomfortable....he said he wasnt interested in her 'like that' that he just saw her as a friend....(although shes that much of a friend she doesn't follow him back and never likes any of his stuff lol) anyways, he agreed it looks bad, and inappropriate/disrespectful to me and said he wouldnt like anything again but maintains as he knows her through friends/hobby that he didnt want to unfollow her. I agreed to that compromise.
Anyways, looked at his recent search history and hes being looking at her socials.
im really upset about it, i find it so disrespectful...while im cooking his dinner, washing his clothes, hes on her social media eyeing her up 😕
I know theres nothing i can do, i shouldnt have to feel like i have to monitor who he is looking at, i know its borderline controlling.....but, its giving me the ick and its making me feel insecure.
hes not the man i thought he was, hes promised me he loves me and would never hurt me, but then creeps on young girls pictures 😔
I have two options really dont i? leave or ignore....both pretty rubbish really.
Do other women care about their partners doing this stuff? Is it me? Because not to dripfeed, iv always being quite secure, but boyfriend does not pay me many compliments at all, iv tried really hard to accept that that is how he is, he genuinely does love me, his actions from the very beginning have shown that....but, the lack of compliments are affecting me and now im at a point where im pissed off at him looking at other women...it makes me feel like im not enough and abit paranoid...which is obviously not healthy.
Please dont come at me for looking at his search history, i know its wrong, but obviously there was a reason i felt i had to. I just want to know if im being unreasonable or if other women would feel the same as me. Thanks.

He's a bit embarassing isn't he? Late 40s and 'liking' girls in their early 20s. He's old enough to be her dad - and believe me, she will not give a shit (or even notice) if he unfollows her.

She no doubt thinks he is a joke. I don't think I'd have much respect for him in your shoes, OP. I'd be cringing for him and his mid life crisis.

Yeh it is embarrassing....its also embarrassing , that after i expressed how it makes me feel and that it was a boundary of mine that hes crossed, hes still looking, while sat in my house....although hes not liking her stuff anymore, i guess its a look but dont touch mentality?
She 100% has no interest in him btw, she probably is embarrassed for him too lol

I find this disrespectful and would make me feel insecure thinking my partner is not attracted to me and fantasising over a girl half his age. Unfortunately some men don’t respect your boundaries until you show them that you mean business.

Yes i defo find it disrespectful. I feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place. Iv being on here long enough to read other threads of similar, that most women wouldnt see an issue....hes 100% not cheating, hes not messaging, following/adding random women or putting comments on pics. Hes just looking. All men do dont they? But then, why should we have to tolerate that? Them creeping/lurking around womens profiles. Its just so icky....more so when im literally in the same room!

If I got to the stage of having to check my husbands search history I'd feel the relationship was over. You can't have a healthy relationship without trust and feeling secure in your relationship which you no longer have with him.

I can't imagine my husband doing this in a month of Sundays we are 39 and our daughters 20 and he has absolutely zero interest in her friends and thinks they're just young girls. Defo a creepy infatuation he has with her, which would creep me out if I was her to be honest and give me the ick if I was you too.

And to add, no, all men don't creep around other womens profiles at all and it's not something you have to accept.

I used to be "one of the cool girls" OP, and would turn a blind eye to all sorts of nonsense, from various partners I've had over the years. Not anymore. It never made me happy and I never felt respected.

A girl who is young enough to be his daughter - and despite the conversation you've had with him, he simply still cannot help himself can he... no wonder you have the ick.

Is she wank fodder, too? Sorry to be crude. This is what would be going through my mind though.

You do not have to put up with it. Life is so, so short. Surround yourself with people who bring you happiness, not idiots who can't control their disgusting (again, she is young enough to be his daughter) impulses.

I need to hear this so thank you.
Im gaslighting myself into believing they're all the same so i can put my head in the sand and ignore it....even though it crosses boundaries and hurts me.

Its such a shame, i know (not blowing my own trumpet or being delusional) that im the best partner hes ever had. Iv supported him through quite a few challenges....being incredibly understanding and caring when many wouldnt have. Its insane to me that he would do something to risk losing me....but yet that is what he is doing.

SM is the root of so many societal problems.

The scenario you just described is one of them. People just aren’t present in their real relationships in the same way . And with that, I’m signing off to join in with the Sunday night family movie I just turned down because I didn’t particularly feel like watching their choice so ended up scrolling here. Which just goes to show … even those of us who are aware still fall in it’s sticky trap.

Well thats whats going through my mind too. He obviously fancies her....he clearly manipulated the conversation we had so that he can still follow her and look but just not like her pics....therefore thinking id never know.

Yes, its unhealthy to be checking a partners history.....i 100% do not want to be this person, i want to be with someone i completely trust and who has the decency to respect me enough to not behave that a creep.

We both have teen daughters btw. So yeh, makes it even more icky imo.

If I am correct he’s a boyfriend living in your house, and he loves you and wouldn’t hurt you.
I am not saying you should split up, but may be he should move out for awhile, so that he can examine what he really wants.
He is hurting you and how much skin in the game has he ?
as the Americans say.
Living in your house, with you doing the chores.
On the other hand he may be the best thing since sliced bread and only browsing to be nosey, because let’s face it there’s nothing on telly worth watching.

Semi living in my house. If i gave all the details then im pretty sure mnetters would call him a cocklodger. I dont believe he is though and i do believe he genuinely loves me.

Im not sending him back to his to think about what hes done. Im not having another conversation where i have to repeat myself with regards to young women on social media, how it looks and how it makes me feel. Iv told him once already and that should be enough.

He is nosy though, he does go down social media rabbit holes, he has a business, friends and hobbies that she is in the same world as, so maybe it is innocent that hes nosying on her page.....which is why im going backwards and forwards with what to do about it. It would be much more clear cut if he was messaging or interacting in a way that is clearly boundary pushing....id be off like a shot then.

I think you are wrong if you think that "" most women" wouldn't see an issue.
I think most women do see an issue with their partners/ boyfriends/ husbands perving over other women on social media.
Just look at the number of threads started by upset OPs whose confidence and self esteem has taken a terrible hit by their supposed loving other doing exactly this.
There are always some posters who trot out the " only looking" " all men do it" " it doesn't mean anything" lines. But I don't think they are in the majority by any means. Yes they are vocal about their views but that doesn't make them the majority of women and it doesn't make them right.
It's not normal in a supposed loving relationship for a man to seek sexual gratification from other women.

You have told him how you feel and yet he is continuing to disrespect you.
I would definitely be thinking this isn't the type of man I want to be in a relationship with.

Yes i agree with the 'most women' bit, i do believe most women dont like it....just turn a blind eye to it maybe. Iv read many a thread on here with regards to social media. I cant believe im here with my own thread tbh, one part of me feels like im making a mountain out of a molehill and the other part of me thinks i should be blazing with anger.

Im disappointed more than anything tbh. I believed him when he said he understood and wouldnt do anything to hurt me. Yet here we are. A liar as well as a creep.

I'm a woman.
I would have a massive problem with this, it's creepy dirty old man behaviour.

Can't you ditch him?
He may 'love you' but he doesn't seem to fancy or respect you.
Sorry if that's brutal.
I just couldn't be bothered policing someone like him, what happens if he starts perving on one of your DC or his DC female friends, cos it's likely to happen. He'll be in his eighties and still perving on woman barely in their twenties.

I am single and I confess I haven't had much luck with men, or had the best male role models in my family, so my bar is realistic, but none of them openingly perved on women. It's just not acceptable.

And there maybe some smart arse who says op was looking through his phone so he wasn't perving openly, but 'likes' are public so anyone can see how much time he spends googling at this young woman

This is the problem with social media, the likes are public, yet people mindlessly scroll/like without thought to the consequences. I do believe, men in-particular, compartmentalise and think theres no harm in looking or even liking stuff.....'everyone' does it after all 🙄

Yes i dont want to be policing a man. I dont want to be checking up on him, snooping and double guessing myself, its exhausting.
Possible he doesnt really fancy me i guess, swears he does but no amount of hair dye and face serum will make me look like a twenty yr old so not much i can do if thats his thing (and i cant see any twenty year old chasing him either so hes gunna be sorely disappointed if thats his plan lol)

For reasons i cant go into, i cant ditch him yet but its clearly on the cards, i cant trust him and this is not the kind of longterm relationship i want. Its going to completely blindside him tho.

Can you not ditch him yet because he owes you money?

He’s a creep, listen to your gut 💐

No, hes helping a family member of mine, its beyond good of him tbh, and im very grateful to him, as is family member, i need to wait for the help to not be needed anymore....it is not a longterm thing so not long to wait, this feels shitty of me tho and will shock the family member when told 😕

I don't agree that 'likes' are meaningless.
They are a communication, a want to be noticed by the 'liked', a statement to other observers about our taste and values.
Plus encouraging the algorithms to be chucking more early 20's women's SM accounts onto his feed. The algorithms will have him down as a perv even if he just thinks he's a barely interested observer doing that young woman the massive favour of his sexual admiration cos she's probably asking for it by being young, female and attractive.

But yes, get what you need from him then quietly disengage.
I can't think this is his only flaw, it seems such a basically immature sad thing to do.

This would turn me off him completely. It's just sad and pathetic really.

Imagine what he would think if you were liking pics of some young man in his early 20s and constantly creeping on his page.

How are about you consider doing the same. Model his behaviour! See if he likes it ? Unfortunately I have been on this side of the fence. You have two choices, stay or ditch. Or have time apart, live your life to the full & disengage with him. Tell it's his choice what he does but he can't be apart of your life with a wondering eye for a younger conquest.

We can't change them but we can only change ourselves and what we accept and don't accept. Soon he will find that the grass isn't greener on otherside!

He's obsessed with a young woman half his age, while supposedly in a relationship with you? If that's not enough to give most women the permanent ick, I don't know what is.