Is my marriage dead

[Muddledandmiddle]

I love and care for DH deeply. We’ve been together almost 18 years- met as teens. Two kids, just turned 12 and 13.
DH is fundamentally a good guy. Very loyal, adores me. Great dad. Good family. Hands on and more than pulls his weight around the home but can be diabolically shit with the mental load at times, and I feel lacks a bit of direction and ambition- like he’s more or less always up for something Aslong as I plan and he has me as a security blanket so to speak. He has adhd. He uses me to ground himself I think.

i have significant trauma from a violent sexual assault as a child and this has impacted us almost always. DH had a higher sex drive (likely of normal amount to others, mine is very low) this year aforementioned attacker was in court and I a witness/victim. It was traumatic all over again and I’ve known it was coming for a few years, it triggered a MH breakdown and we went from having very little sex to next to none. He is very understanding and doesn’t pressure ever, but he does instigate from time to time and I know my constant rejection is chipping away at his self esteem. This breaks my heart. He has never ever made me uncomfortable or coerced. He is nothing but respectful.

i find myself feeling like we’ve grown apart and I, secretly, am feeling resentful. This is wrong. The resentment grows from feeling like I can’t just take a break and be looked after. I feel I do the bulk load of looking after the family emotionally and financially - this isn’t fair to him as he works hard too and is very hands on at home so it’s not actually imbalanced in reality, it’s just that I became the higher earner in most recent years but due to MH I’m burning out and fast. I find myself wishing for a more dominant “take care of you” kind of partner. Please don’t flame me, I’m trying my best to find words for feelings I don’t fully understand. I know I’m wrong. DH can’t earn more where he is and whilst he’s open to new opportunities, he won’t actively seek them, I feel I have to push this and realistically nothing will be quick in terms of meeting our financial needs if I need him to take the reins (we do not live extravagantly, but my earnings do make us comfortable)

I don’t feel any sexual desire towards him and I’m beginning to feel suffocated by my life. I crave and dream of peace and quiet and to only look after myself.

is my marriage dead? Separating would be incredibly painful for all, we both love each other deeply. I know this is true. But I want him to know happiness and feel I cannot give this to him.

maybe I’m mentally unwell still and can’t see things clearly. Maybe my marriage is dead and I’m just stringing things along hoping it’ll improve because it’s not terrible but not fulfilling either.

im rambling. If you got this far thank you.

I only read the first two paragraphs & thought “ isn’t this how MOST guys are “? He loves you, you love him, too … that’s 98% of your problems solved, honestly.

Don’t throw this away. You have what A LOT wish they had. You mentioned also, he’s a good guy. Surely, those positives count for something?

It doesn't sound dead to me

It sounds like you need to take that time to look after yourself ❤️

Take care X

Sounds like you need a holiday

I don't know op. I can feel this way about my DH but I think it's important to remember the grass isn't greener.

You're about to come out the other side of the child rearing years. I imagine youll have more energy etc.
You need to build your relationship back up together

Realistically if you separate that leaves you doing more looking after 2 kids in your own for at least 50% of the time , have you had counselling OP ? You went through something I can't even fathom and it's bound to have an effect on you but it's really important to speak to someone especially after it's all been dragged up again and you have essentially had to relive it . Can you sit down and try articulate to your DH some of what you have said here and how you are feeling he sounds like a good guy , he can't try help you if he doesn't know how you are feeling x

I think you underestimate the happiness you are giving him simply by being there. Remember you took vows to look after each other through the good and the bad, for better or for worse.
Yes you might think he lacks ambition, but maybe he's satisfied with what he has already. Are you comfortable at where you're at in your lives?

This to me sounds like a classic case of not knowing what you've got til it's gone. Be careful and don't let a bad spell of MH get the better of what you have.

"But I want him to know happiness and feel I cannot give this to him."

You can't give him happiness. But that's true of everyone. Noone can give someone else happiness, it's something you create yourself.

He's choosing to create his own happiness by being with you. Would he like more sex? Probably. But the fact he's waking up next to you every day proves that he thinks that no sex is a reasonable compromise if the alternative is not having you in his life. He could leave if he wanted to, he doesn't need you to make that choice for him.

Equally, you have to create your own happiness too. If you think you'll be happier alone, without the pressures of a relationship, then go for it. But it doesn't sound like you would be to me. It sounds like you have a good marriage that you genuinely value, and that you'll spend the rest of your life kicking yourself if you end it because of pressures that to be honest sound like they're coming more from you than him.

If you need some space, have you considered taking a break alone? A couple of months after my Mum died I had a bit of a meltdown and just needed to take some time to myself. I took a week's annual leave and just took a week in a couple of UK cities by myself, let myself do whatever I wanted. (Involved a lot of museums and sitting in pubs with a good book).

My DP was happy to let me do it, if your husband is as good a man as you say, I'm sure he would be too.

You say you love him and he loves you, and you describe a basically good man. There's a lot there to fight for.

I am in a similar space, though not all the positives you describe. I had counselling a few years ago because I reached burn out and had panic attacks because I was carrying the whole family load. Mostly emotionally. I felt like I was that person in front of the Curling Team, smoothing the ice so that nobody stalled and crashed. Counselling helped me realise that I don't have to be the one who holds it together.

I started going away for the weekend. I am lucky that we have a caravan and I'm able to go away on my own or with a friend and leave ALL the home stuff behind. I don't cook for them or plan things for them to do; I just go, and leave DH to parent his kids in his home.

These weekends away have really helped. They have shown me (and DH) that he can manage it all if I'm not there (he still leaves it to me when I am there). That has shown me I have options - he'd be a good dad if we separated.

What I haven't cracked (yet?) is how to rebuild our relationship, but it sounds like you still have enough love for that to not be too much of a challenge?

Is there any way you can get away for a weekend. And then another one? One a month? Do you have a caravan?! It a friend with a sited caravan that would let you use it? Can you afford an AirBnB each month? Join a pet sitting service and pet sit?!

Find a way to get some regular time alone. It will help you breathe and think and remember who you are and what a wonderful person your DH has CHOSEN to be with. It might also show you that he doesn't NEED you to manage house/kids/life and so demonstrate that he is CHOOSING to be with you, regardless of your flaws and trauma. We all have flaws and trauma btw.

I think this is something worth staying for. Give yourself some space, find some peace and quiet, let yourself let your DH prove he can carry the mental load.

You're 18 years in to marriage. If you're anything like me, that's 18 years of you performing some fictional "wife role" that you think will make you feel loved. I think that's a whole load of trauma that will take years to unravel, but hopefully your DH will CHOOSE to stick around while you take the time and space to unravel it. Don't push him away; concentrate on yourself and let him choose whether to stick around or go.

Much love to you. None of this is easy, but it is made easier by taking the time and resources to look after yourself rather than looking to someone else to do that while you worry you're taking too much for them.

I hope you find a way.

Be careful not to mistakenly frame your choice as one between a) staying as you are, and b) heading to a magical happy new life where you are well rested and in a passionate new relationship with a rich, dominant man (who is somehow also respectful of you and your equality at the same time, because dominance and equality don't usually go together) after a peaceful, respectful divorce with no impact on anyone around you, and with your children happily kicking autumn leaves with you and their new daddy.

Your new single life has the potential to be absolutely rubbish compared to your current situation - bear this in mind before you act. In your position I would be doing everything to get some time to yourself and then working on your marriage.

thank you so much for all your kindness. I’ve been reading as the replies come in, but through very heavy teary eyes. I thought I’d be piled on and I think writing this out has shown me that I feel very low self esteem wise right now. You’d never know it on the outside I don’t think, I have a nice life, that we’ve worked hard for and I’m so grateful. If I’m really honest no i don’t want, and can’t imagine a happy life away from DH- and I have to say if we did split I’d want to entertain no relationship until my children had left home anyways- so it’s not featured in any hypothetical fantasy, honestly when I think about what I want it’s not that I don’t want what I have it’s just that I also don’t want to be like this anymore.

I want to want sex. I want to not find myself feeling suffocated. I want to not feel this heaviness. I want to feel like a good wife. I want to feel peace and calm and happiness. I just feel stressed and annoyed and on edge and depleted alll the time that I just am edging closer and closer to being someone I don’t even like myself. I’m snappy and rushed and I just hate it all. I want to feel … I don’t know. Just not this.

I’ve been in therapy for around two years but honestly I think I’m just wasting her time because everytime we get close to the real stuff I seize up and dominate the sessions with life stresses and moans instead. It’s subconscious at the time but I can always retrospectively see what I’m doing.

we are currently trying to move cities too and the house move is just exasperating the stress definitely.

thank you again for your kindness all. I know I am wrong and spoilt and if DH left me tomorrow I’d know it’s all my own fault.