I don’t know what’s normal

[Usernametakenbyme]

I got married in 2008 after being in a relationship for 2 years. Had our first child in 2010, second in 2012 so everything moved quickly. We divorced in 2022 after years of infidelity from him. Looking back now I can see I was love bombed and he was diagnosed in 2019 with borderline personality disorder with traits of impulsive behaviour. ExDH diagnosed himself as a sex addict, promised he’d change (he didn’t) and we eventually divorced in 2021 after a period of separation. I’ve been used to very intense periods of OTT attention, dramatics (from him) and emotional and financial abuse.
I’ve been seeing someone else now for 2.5 years but I don’t know what’s normal in a relationship now. We don’t live together (his choice, I’d love to) but we’re talking about it happening next year when we’ll have been together 3 years. Other friends who’ve divorced have subsequently remarried or at least moved in together by this point in their new relationships. We were both cheated on in our last relationships so we were both wary of moving too quickly but I just feel like after 2.5 years we should have more than 2/3 nights together a week. His youngest has just left to go to uni (he had 50/50 shared care) but he’s still not coming over more often. My DCs are now 12 and 14 and they get on well with DP. He lives a 40 minute drive from me so staying over at his isn’t an option unless my DCs stay at their dad’s and that rarely happens. Our relationship is good, we love each other, but I just don’t feel like this is normal. I’m 44 and he’s 53 so it’s not like we’re getting any younger.

See I actually think I would be exactly the same if I was him. When you’ve already been cheated on, gone through divorce, potentially lost your home, money, pension, and have rebuilt and then found a new partner I would be extremely hesitant to tie myself to somebody else again. A few nights a week means you have the companionship and build that relationship but taking that leap and combining finances and your home with somebody else is a huge step and really should not be taken lightly.

He might just be comfortable having his own place. What’s normal is what works for you as a couple. Don’t compare your relationship dynamic to that of other because we all have different lifestyles and that’s ok. If you’d like to see more of him, speak to him about it. Maybe he could come over more but still keep his own home. Also, not to seem awful but his kids are grown now and maybe at 54 he doesn’t want to go through the raising teenagers stage again. As long as he treats you well, is reliable and kind, doesn’t lie to you or cheat, then it might actually be an advantage to have your own places. You can see each other as much as you want but you still have that space when you want it.

I agree - this doesn't feel too slow at all.