How to get DD to communicate with me without shouting and melting down?

[MountainDewey]

DD is 6. She regularly melts down and screams at me if she doesn't want to do something or I'm trying to instil a boundary. For example we're away this weekend and I've said no more sweets as she's eaten a fair few, of course that didn't go down well. Screams and screams at me, after 25 minutes she finally listens.
The level of screaming is so audible to neighbours they've called the police before and Social Care also, I'm in the middle of acrimonious court proceedings with her dad so this obviously looks terrible and like I can't cope.
The police have spoken during one of the visits about using her words and drawing her feelings instead of shouting at me.
I used to shout also but now see it's completely pointless so I just remain calm. The wider context is she's being made to have overnight contact with her Dad who is abusive and she hates it so I know she's suffering so I don't like to shout back at her or discipline her too severely.
I'm really struggling though.

I suppose she is angry and feels let down.

She is being forced to be overnight with an abusive man repeatedly and it may seem to her that you should be doing whatever it takes to prevent this. Meanwhile, you are not being forced to be overnight with him. To a 6yr old this has to be unfair and very frightening.

This anger is going to express itself where she is safe, around you.

Are you sure you can’t just refuse to let her go to overnights? Is there a court order? And even if there is, why can’t you move to have it overturned?

There's a court order sadly. In the court arena he is sadly seen as the victim despite being abusive.
DD screams and cries whenever she sees him.. the lead up to a contact weekend is horrible. It's getting to an unbearable point.

All behaviour is communication. She’s struggling with the contact with her Dad. Are you working with social services? Are you keeping a record of her behaviour around contact? If she’s at school, are they aware of the situation and making note of any behavioural challenges around contact with her Dad? It’s really important that you are keeping a record of everything. You’re doing the right thing by staying calm. She needs a lot of love because she feels unsafe. Be her safe space. Talk to her about how she feels when she’s not having a meltdown. As suggested by the police, do some arts and crafts and talk about her feelings. It would be useful if she could see a counsellor. Speak to the school and find out if they can provide that for her. The more you are seen to be working with the school and relevant services, the more chance of getting contact reduced. But it’s so important that you have logged everything. You need to show a pattern of behaviour.

Work with social care. If she’s reacting like this he’s probably abusing her - you need to get them to take it seriously. Keep a diary so they know it’s worse before / after visits. In the meantime if I were in your situatin, I know it’s sneaky, but I’d be a total disney parent until SW / court proceedings are finished. Make your relationship with her appear rock solid, don’t sweat the small stuff at all - she wants sweets at night, agree to give her one if she brushes her teeth afterwards. Ice cream? Same. I’d be doing everything in my power to get as much custody as possible.

Thank you. I definitely keep a log of everything.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not digging at you. You said you used to shout too. Has your dd grown up in an environment ( however understandably if you have had an abusive partner) listening to her parents shouting when things don't go their way? Maybe ( aside from whatever else is going on and she might need help to keep her safe from) your dd needs support to learn how to manage her feelings in a more constructive way. You say you don't shout anymore. How did you learn to regulate those emotions? Can you share your learning with her? Go on the journey together so she doesn't feel like she is 'bad' just that you are both learning still?

I think I'd go softly softly, giving her some control over what I could whilst still getting the result I wanted.

So instead of telling her that thats was that she'd had too many sweets and they were going away - which is out of her control and a shock to the system when she was enjoying them. I'd have got down to her level and had a chat, asked her which ones were her favourites, could I try one, praise her on her sharing and then told her to choose two more before the sweets went away for another day. That way it has been a positive interaction with praise, connection and her having some control. To avoid this situation entirely I would have given her a bowl to begin with and told her she could choose X sweets to enjoy. Then once the bowl is empty that's it and avoids the situation entirely.

Yes, some might call it pandering but actually you have a child who is struggling and a different tactic with more TLC is necessary. Once you become practised at those sorts of conversations they become quick and second nature and don't take more than 30 seconds avoiding minutes of dysregulation and negative experiences for both of you.

There's a book called The Explosive Child which is often recommended on MN, I'm reading it at the moment and already finding it helpful when communicating with my 4 year old who goes from zero to full blown screaming in a matter seconds.