Changing thought process of he is not lying

[Amazingday]

Been with my DP for nearly 3 years, both mid 40s and both had a few rubbish relationships behind us that makes us naturally guarded and I suppose creates boundaries. One of mine is actions need to match words. We don’t live together but he stays at mine 4/5 days a week. we did live together for a few months at his, whilst I sold and bought a new house. It didn’t go well and we broke up for 6 weeks.

We decided to get back together and talked about what went wrong and if we could fix it. It was mostly due to communication and free time. I felt he didn’t want to do things with me now I lived there and felt ignored. Previously before we lived together we did lots of dates, he did what he said. It just stopped when I moved into his. He thought I was going to stop him seeing his friends. This cultivated a horrible atmosphere and he lied sometimes were he was. Saying he was with his family or work to go out with friends. Or he would get so drunk our next plans would be ruined. I stoped making plans! He stopped making an effort.

We broke up day 2 of my moving out. When we got back together we discussed this. He said he felt trapped as his ex wife didn’t let him see his friends at all and if he did, she came. He said he only went out on a Friday night, but she stopped that. He suddenly panicked that I would do the same. So became stubborn about going out and went out more. I explained our own social lives are important, but not to the point it affects our relationship, there needs to be a balance. He said I should have told him how unhappy I was so try and fix it before it got bad. I just didn’t think he would listen.

We are now in a good place and have that balance. But I can’t seem to trust he is telling me the truth. He was supposed to come to mine today and go out for Sunday lunch and a walk. He hadn’t booked a place, said he would sort it on Sunday AM.

This morning I got a text saying he felt shocking and had been up all night with D&V. Can’t come round and will see how he feels tomorrow to see each other. I called him and he answered. I asked if he went out he said no as felt rough so stayed in for very night. Said he was looking forward to our plans today. I don’t trust he telling the truth, but think he has a hangover as he hadn’t booked a place to eat.

I feel I am overthinking it, as in the last 6 months since getting back together he has always done what he says and not given me anything to doubt him. Honest about his social life and making me a priority.

How do get back into the mindset of taking what he says at face value. Believing he is actually not well, instead of thinking he is lying and went out. I have no proof saying he was out. It’s just my thought process

I think the only thing you can really do is decide if this is how you want to live. The problem with trust is that it’s easily broken and hard to gain back. Personally I couldn’t be bothered to be in a relationship where I felt I had to second guess everything they told me, it creates so much unnecessary worrying, drama, conflict, and turns you into a bit of a crazy person always wondering if you’re being lied to.

@Mrsttcno1 I agree. We get on really well and love spending time together. In the last 6 months he has done nothing for me to not trust him. Today’s text, my first reaction was he was hungover.

in the past he hadn’t hidden anything. He just wouldn’t tell me. If I asked he was honest. It was just after the event.

He has no need to lie about seeing his friends. But equally it sounds like he can't handle his booze. He seems to need a day to recover from these nights out which is a bit annoying.
All you can do is tell him once and for all, seeing your friends is totally fine, but lying is totally not and I will know. I think the fact he still can't get it in his head that he shouldn't behave this way is not a good sign.
I'm glad you're not living together, but I'd be thinking hard about whether I saw a future with a bloke like this.

@BobbyBiscuits i do agree and he has been told all this. But as the post says I am assuming he was out and not ill. But he says he is ill. The lying only started when we lived together

@Amazingday if you don't believe he's ill then there's a big problem. He's made you distrust him. If that means you can't be sure of their health status then it's a big red flag.
Like if he said he was in hospital you might just think he was on the piss.
I think this unnecessary level of dishonesty may only get worse.

The thing is. I don’t think he is being dishonest. It’s my head that thinks he is.

Trouble is, you can't forget you know he's a liar.

Stick a broken plate together with glue and it still has cracks.

Ah, but could it be that you could only verify that he was lying because you were living with him, and he still lies now, but you've no way of finding out?
If this is a one off in the last 6 months, then there is no alternative really but to take him at his word ( unless there are other ways of findinding out). But, if he regularly cancels plans with you and uses various excuses, then that is a concerning pattern.
His past actions would make anyone think twice, so you are taking it as anyone would - with a suspicious eye.