Husbands mood wearing me down

[banoffequeen]

My husband’s attitude towards everything is wearing me down.
He is barely eating anything because of his food issues which he denies having. He says he wants to eat proper meals but can’t tell me what he considers to be a proper meal. He’ll quite happily tell me what isn’t though. His list of food that he enjoys eating is dwindling. (I could honestly write a book about his attitude towards food).

He struggles to sleep, constantly complains about the bed and not being comfy.

I am getting nothing from this marriage and feel on edge every morning when I wake up thinking ‘oh god, what’s wrong now?’

He won’t do anything about his mood, doesn’t feel he’s depressed, doesn’t want to go to the Drs because he doesn’t want tablets. Anything I suggest is never good enough, or the right thing. I don’t know how to help him.

We are having issues and have been for a long time and earlier this year I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be together. I understand how that would make him feel I really do, but it’s something he’s dwelling on and I really wished I’d never said anything. I’m not even sure I should have said that to him and I’m not sure how to move forward. I still feel like that but his moping, and constant victimhood is pushing me further away.

We’ve got two children - 10 and 12 so we try to spend time together as a family, but any time just the two of us is spent talking about the issues at his instigation. I’m not burying my head in the sand but I’m really trying to focus on other things as well; I’m avoiding spending time with him because I don’t want to spend all my free time dissecting the issues. I woke up one night at 1am and he’s was sighing in bed which then led to an hours discussion!

I will admit my faults/shortcomings but feel he is completely deluded in his part - he says he’s been making effort for months but I’m scratching my head to know what they are.

I don’t know what replies I’m after, I just feel really sad and alone, and not sure how to help him. Wondering if anyone is/has been in the same boat. We’ve been married for 15 years, we’re late 30s and honestly the thought of this being the rest of my life is soul destroying. We both deserve better

I'm sorry you're going through this, he sounds absolutely exhausting to be around. How did he react when you said you weren't sure if you wanted to be together?

I know you said he won't go to the doctors about depression, but could there be other health issues? The discomfort in bed and the food issues make me think there could be something else going on. It could of course also just be depression and he is refusing to acknowledge it.

When you have conversations about your issues are they ever productive or do you just end up repeating yourselves and going round in circles? I dont blame you for avoiding these conversations if they're taking hours and are happening out of the blue/in the middle of the night, that must be really draining.

The food thing alone would really wear me down. Is he doing his own food shopping and cooking his own meals?

My DH had similar, just negative and couldn’t be cheered up. It drained me after a while all the don’t know/don’t care/meh attitudes. The GP was useless, don’t even bother. He eventually saw a private psychotherapist for 8 sessions of discussing all sorts (I wasn’t present) and it really helped, he was never given drugs to cope. Maybe suggest that or marriage counselling? It would be shame to walk away from 15years- especially when he’s clearly got something wrong.

You can't make him happy or content, he needs to work out that for himself by talking with therapist to help him reframe his thoughts. I'm no therapist but the worsening issues around food might mean he feels he has no control in his life and the food restriction might give him some partial feeling of control?

A good friend put up with her DH behaving like this for years (including increasing food issues) and eventually snapped when her 20th wedding anniversary was looming and she realised his depression and behaviours impacted the DC and her so much it meant that she had no wish to continue with the marriage if he wouldn't take active steps to seek effective help and support that she couldn't provide. When he realised she was deadly serious he did seek help and though it's not a magic fairytale ending they are still together and both in a better place now that he has support to help him work things through in a more positive way.

Have stumbled on this post belatedly. OP, my ex DP had similar issues with food and not finding any bed or chair comfortable. Also awful mood swings. It turns out he had an overactive thyroid and once it was treated these symptoms did improve. A blood test at the GP can look for it. Hope things ate better for you. Xx

This sounds awful. I would insist he goes to the doctor or at least starts therapy or you start making moves to leave.

Does he exercise? He needs to take over cooking if all he does is complain that you aren’t creating “proper meals”. Lack of food will be doing nothing for his mood or sleep.

(edited to correct typos)

I wouldn't have the patience for hours of self indulgent rambling in the early hours. He sounds incredibly self absorbed.

I would ask him to go to the Dr as he obviously needs to get checked out. Each time he starts moaning I'd suggest he sees a Dr and change the subject.