Best friend has a new best friend!

[Tomorrowtomorrowtomorrow]

Known my ‘best friend’ for over 15 years, we met at work. Our lives have at times taken different directions but we’ve always stayed close even if not physically. We have children that are very similar in age, she was my bridesmaid etc.

I wouldn’t describe her as flaky but she’s always been interested in the next shiny thing and she’s had a few new friends in the past who have become the latest thing then after a while, they’ve never been heard of again so I’ve just ignored it.

Without going into too many specifics, she’s started a small business and employed a woman we both vaguely know. They’ve started spending all their days together and she’s pretty much dropped me. We met up yesterday and she felt very distant, I had travelled about 90 mins to see her and she left after a few hours, she said she needed to go to the supermarket but I saw later she was meeting up with her new friend. I also paid for lunch and she hasn’t sent me the money back and usually she would transfer it pretty quickly.

What’s the best way to handle this? I really value her friendship but it feels very one-sided and although she’s has new friends like this before, they’ve not been her employees, so if feels like this one might stick around. If I’m honest I feel hurt.

Tell her how you feel. If she apologises and makes the effort to maintain your friendship then all good. However, if she doesn’t make the effort you should stop pursuing the friendship and match her energy because otherwise you will be repeatedly hurt by her lack of care and effort. Sometimes, relationships change over time and people we were once very close to grow apart from us for whatever reason. It’s tough but it’s just a part of life unfortunately. Perhaps you should spend your time concentrating on yourself and your own needs. Maybe try developing new connections for yourself.

You say yourself she's always been into the next shiny thing and her 'new' friends have come and gone, I'd sit back and see how this plays out. If they have been working together for a short time, it's all probably going well ATM. There will be bumps in the road, after all, your friend is the new ladies employer.

I have a friend who is similar. Always has a favourite person but they tend to come and go. Can leave you feeling a bit used in terms of being rejected for a better offer when the favourite person is brand new and super shiny, but I just make myself less available at those times & make sure I prioritise myself. The longer lasting friends (who tend to get dumped for favourite person) do tend to have the closer friendships - even if not always noticed when shiny new person is distracting!

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. If you live an hour and a half apart, and her new colleague works with her, of course it easier for them to spend substantial time together easily. And people are allowed to make new friends! I assume you also have other friends?

@Clotheshanger im not asking if I’m being unreasonable I’m asking for experiences of people in a similar situation and how to handle this.

What I’m saying is ‘What needs ‘handling’?’ Your friend having another friend she sees more of? Not paying you back for lunch?

I had a friend like this and she started becoming a little distant when circumstances changed - wouldn’t text first anymore etc. One day I decided I had had enough of being the one making the most effort so I stopped. I never heard from her again. We haven’t spoken since. People drift apart I suppose.

Not the same obviously but my best friend (we were both single) met her now bf on line and I was ditched almost overnight for him. She is now never available at weekends as she puts everything into the relationship. However I am still 'needed' for advice and various dramas in the week.

This has now been a couple of years. It did hurt but I'm used to it now. I decided to focus on cultivating other friendships and giving my time to / planning things with people who I wasn't as close to at the time. Now he'd bf is away sometimes at weekends and I am no longer always available as I once was for her. We are still friends but I'm not there at the drop of a hat for her.

But it does hurt. I would back off slightly and try and out your energies elsewhere. I'm sure she will come back once they fall out or the shine wears off.. then it can be on your terms when she does. I don't think there is anything you can do to change her behaviour / actions but you can look after yourself.

Think of your friendship as individual between you and her, not best, always needing maintaining and allowed to grow and change on either side. Then you can happily support her having other good friendships and not feel threatened. It's different if she's picking you up only when she doesn't have someone else, if that's the case you need to work on your own self esteem.

Don't chase, leave it to her to contact you. lf she does then be your usual self but wait for her to arrange your next meet up. If she doesn't get in touch l would leave it as she's not the friend you thought she was. It's painful but you can't change her.
I imagine she will contact you once the novelty of the new friend / workmate has worn off.Then see her on your terms if you wish or not at all.

Happened to me last year !!!
friends for over 20 years !! Always kept getting pushed back through the years for new shiny friendships that didn’t last always came back to me , I used to let it slide but the last one really pissed me off everytime we met up it was so and so this so and so that !! And I just thought we have met up and all u doing is talking about her I don’t know her ! But also being horrible to me in a sly way if that makes sense !
so I basically aired her last message she sent me and I have not heard a thing in over a year ! I know I have done the right thing because she she didn’t give a shit about me anyway ! And I’ve been a lot happier without her toxic negativity in my life . Some people really are selfish and not worth your time or effort plus people who make friends and don’t stay friends for long are a red flag 🚩 x

Is she your only friend? Surely we can have more than one friend as adults. Dropping the "best" bit would helpful for you both if you reframe as one friend of a few