In denial

[igotthis246]

So within the hour we've got in from a nice evening out. Not too much alcohol and my husband takes the dog out for a quick wee. I get into bed and then realise he's got back and it's all quiet downstairs.
Upon going down and seeing that he's poured himself a large glass of wine and fallen asleep within minutes of getting back I go upstairs and go to bed. Then I hear him go into the spare room and the snoring starts straight away. I've asked him why he's gone into the spare room when we've had a nice night and that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.
His response'ok well I'll be gone tomorrow'
I'm stuck how do I deal with that?

Let him go.

Aw no. Sorry OP. Your head must be spinning. Talk to him again in the morning .. it sounds like he’s checked out though. is it a bolt out of the blue? Or any prior indications that he was unhappy?

Wow this is awful

He cheated on me a couple of years ago and it's been tricky to say the least. We've been married for 15 years and both want it to work but when he's had a drink he doesn't know what he's saying and the impact it has.

Sounds like the drink is getting out of control for him? How much is he drinking and do you think he's slipping extra drinks in on the side?

He's always had a drink problem always an extra one fitted in. Alcohol changes his personality completely he's like Jekyl and Hyde. A lovely person when sober but gets himself into trouble when under the influence.
My first husband was just like this. Do I have a sign upon my head? I do wonder sometimes...thoughts please

IT IS NOT YOU!
(lookit freedom program when you have a minute-its still NOT you)meantime-- how fuckin dare he!!!!!!!-help him pack.if you wakaday awake-do it just now. you call the shots.out now -said you was off,bye. FUCK THAT
If your a dick when drink\drunk n you do it anywy-your dick sober.the end

Sounds like he is treating you like a doormat, don't let him wipe his feet on the way out.

Well he's not lovely when sober is he ?
Lovely men in happy relationships tend not to cheat.
A drunken cheat sounds even less appealing, life's too short for this.

Unfortunately, people tend to repeat patterns, even if they’re not good for them, because they are familiar. Familiarity feels emotionally safe, even when it’s not. What you need to ask yourself is not how do I attract these types of men but what is attracting YOU to these types of men? That doesn’t absolve them of being horrible but it does give you control over how you learn from this experience and move forward in a positive way that breaks the cycle of choosing bad suitors. Your current husband is disrespectful, has cheated on you and is making no effort to build a good relationship with you. That’s very painful for you. You would be better ending the relationship and working on your own self esteem. Why did you accept being cheated on? Why are you accepting this level of disrespect? Why are you accepting a partner who has a drinking problem? Why don’t you expect better for yourself? These are all questions you need to ask yourself. I would say this is prob all routed in low self esteem. I wonder what your childhood was like? What was your relationship with your father like? What was your parents relationship like? Did you feel loved and valued as a child? Perhaps you could seek out some therapy for yourself to explore these kinds of questions? I would advise not to get into any new relationships before you’ve done this self reflection and come to an understanding of why you have repeatedly chosen these types of men. There’s a good book on self esteem you can read here https://www.booksfree.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/The-Six-Pillars-of-Self-Esteem-by-Nathaniel-Branden.pdf

Thank you all so much for your helpful responses. The links I really appreciate and will read through these soon. Today he has no recollection of saying he'll go in the morning in response to my wanting to be with someone who wants to be with me.
I have begun to gather his things together but so far he's sticking with just because I say something it doesn't mean it's true.
Yes I know it's gaslighting and disrespectful. My childhood wasn't a good one. The only middle girl amongst 4 boys. Mum was a narcissist and I was the scapegoat. I fought against her throughout during my teens and adult years only to be cut off for years at a time.
I eventually went no contact a few years before she died. It was an enormous relief.
Dad has been distant and in and out of my life as my parents divorced when I was 15. My authentic self today has been learned from observing others and deciding what I do and don't want to be. I am successful in my chosen career and have bought up my daughters (all independent now) as successful women who have faired favourably compared to me.
Sorry for this long post and thank you for reading I know it's a trauma bond thing. I understand psychology very well but unfortunately I don't apply the right things to myself.
I actually feel a bit better for writing this down.
Thanks again

I think journaling might be very useful for you. Yes, it seems there is a good chance you have a trauma bond. Your childhood would explain a tendency to form co-dependent relationships. That’s not a criticism of you but an observation. I know you understand psychology well but perhaps having some trauma informed therapy to help you not only build your self esteem but to work through and heal from the narcissistic abuse you’ve suffered in your youth. Even therapists need therapists because sometimes we have our own blind spots and someone else who can see those would be very useful in terms of making a full recovery.

TipsyJoker this makes sense about the blind spot and acknowledging all off this to myself is a step in the right direction.