When people first meet you or see you

[BlastedPimples]

they are super enthusiastic, over the top, mad keen about you and then just very quickly lose all enthusiasm and interest. This has happened to me a lot in my life and I find it really hard.

Often, people seem to be very interested in me, like super over the top interested in me, and then just back off and disappear after meeting me properly and spending only a bit of time with me.

It makes me feel like I’m the most boring person on the planet.

It’s happened four times this year. Three women and one man. The women were potential friends. The man I went on a date with.

It’s really hurtful and I can’t shrug it off because it feels like they found me out and that I’m actually really dull and not worthy.

It’s so high school but I really struggle to come back from it. I lose confidence and don't want to try and make friends with anyone.

I don’t try harder or anything with them to regain their initial apparent great interest. I recognise their behaviour pretty quickly and I just disappear from their view.

This has happened many times to me in my life. I don’t like it at all.

It makes me detest myself actually, as if these people think they see something special in me, behave like I’m this amazing person but actually they discover they are completely wrong and turn cold or distant very quickly.

I don’t reciprocate their initially ott behaviour but I am friendly in response and I do get happy at the prospect of making friends. Then I am crushed when their chill suddenly descends.

Why does this happen? I must be really dull in reality. I am recently divorced and am trying to be sociable and make new connections. But this happened to me all through my adult life. I find it perplexing. And does it mean I am really not worthy of knowing better?

Usually normal people will take time to get to know you. It takes time. It goes slowly.

Yes, I have friends with whom this has happened in the normal healthy way.

But I find it really hurtful when this other thing I described in my op happens.

I think the answer is that it's not about you, but more about their approach to meeting people for the first time. I'd bet they're like that with everyone.

Remember no-one thinks about you as much as you do.

Well the dating example is pretty par for the course, don't take that personally.

How did you meet the women, what do you mean by 'potential friends'?

Something like met them socially, say at a party or event, they were very friendly and it went nowhere afterwards? Some interactions are very situational. Perhaps they were feeling outgoing and wanted to chat enthusiastically at the time but didn't think there was much common ground or weren't particularly looking to make friends.

Not sure why you're taking it to heart

No. Not at parties. Via school and sports clubs.

And we met for dinner and or drinks.

Well, sounds like you're dipping a toe mutually and just not each others' type of people. You talk about recognising their behaviour, them being over friendly etc and preferring to get to know friends more gradually. Sounds like a natural conclusion from the meetups tbh, as long as everyone is polite when you cross paths afterwards.

Nothing to do with you - just the hurly-burly of meeting new people after life transitions.

I've had a transient couple years, needing to work on my social life, and looking to build things up more. Been making directed effort since about March.

So now I have a mix of stuff, trying lots of new groups, dropped some and put more energy into others, had some good chats and nights out and experiences but left it at that good LORD some utter weirdos out there.

Consciously haven't done the whole "exchange numbers early on" thing as I've found as a solo woman it can be a bit diminishing returns....

Few people I wouldn't mind getting to know deeper after a few months, but no rush. Seeing it as slowly building a tribe or networks, and this has helped assuage the loneliness.

Having bigger spaces I know I can turn up to and have a chat easier than investing emotional labour into 1-1 things which often burn out, worries about rejection etc.

I wonder if the people you've met are the intense Queen Bee/social climber type ....on the prowl, targeting new people for a bit of an ego boost/finding out information and testing if you're useful.

And you fail the test as you're not a doormat, so meh.

I find the people who are most prominent/pushy/visible/love bombing initially often aren't actually the best people to know.

It's a bit odd for a functional adult to be
"very interested in me, like super over the top interested in me" to a new acquaintance unless there's something off about them.

"It's a bit odd for a functional adult to be
"very interested in me, like super over the top interested in me" to a new acquaintance unless there's something off about them."

It is odd behaviour, isn't it? But it has happened often to me. And I think this year, I was friendly (but not ott like them) back because I have felt a bit lonely after divorce.

I of course have turned their behaviour as a reason to reflect on me rather than putting it all on them.

@Woodenboxing thank you for your insights.

I agree, it takes time to get to know someone properly.

I also think, as we get older, it becomes more difficult to find friends.

I wonder if you and the people you met were in ott friendly type professionals.
I know for example, I can build up a rapport with anyone really quickly, but it's a means to an end in order to do my job.
But once I have "extracted" the information I need, I can just as quickly cool off and move on. (Nope, my job doesn't involve dealing with the public or direct sales).
It's a bit shite to use these tactics to find out about someone's interest when looking for genuine friendship. So maybe a lucky escape from really shallow people!

People can be weird as anything socially, and especially if you feel vulnerable/are going through a life transitional period.

If you're friendly or polite or have a softer, thoughtful, sensitive personality they're even worse. Look up some of the Mumsnet threads about behaviour women experience after divorce etc.

I had a few years when I was retraining (whilst older).

So was doing completely the right thing for me, but didn't quite fit in anywhere and was doing low level jobs. Single woman projecting quite a lot of vulnerability.

Quite a few people (often other women) seemed to think I was fair game for playing stupid social games like chasing me socially and then dropping me.

I've personally found that developing some self-care things which are 100% independent and "just for me" can be helpful....

Not sure if you have hobbies, but solitary things like running or meditation or online yoga or reading. Something you can do for free that's low commitment.

Any social stuff is then extra bolt-ons.

People can be great at times but utterly horrendous at others. Uncoupling ones mental health and self-esteem can be a good idea.

I don't see how you can blame them nor think it is anything you can blame yourself for either it either I would just see it is as people have their own thing going on in their life and rarely what one person thinks of others matches the reality

The date forget about. He could have met someone else or there could be lots of reasons that weren't related to you.

I'm curious if you tried to follow up with the woman? And also what your common grounds is. Were they married?

Seek out other single people, even those recently divorced. You'll have more common ground and more likely to form a friendship.

It does take time to form friendships. I found these were best formed over common interests that has recurring meetings .... walking was a good one.

"I don’t try harder or anything with them to regain their initial apparent great interest. I recognise their behaviour pretty quickly and I just disappear from their view."

Good for you for maintaining your boundaries.

Love-bombing happens in all areas, not just romantic. You're wise enough to spot it occurring in friendship groups too.

Chances are you'd find them self-centred after a while so, yes, good on you for spotting this behaviour early and acting on it.

I agree with previous posters who say friendships grow over time.

It's not you, its them. They will be like that with everyone.

@BlastedPimples I relate to what you are saying. It's hard because in my case, I do think I can appear very interesting initially - but I'm just ordinary. But then there's also the "shiny new object" factor and a lot of people lose interest after looking at the shiny new thing for a little time.

I'm also starting to realise that a lot of people aren't going out much, so if you meet them on nights out, they're hyper and at their social best - and that's when they hone in on someone. I then go home thinking I've really clicked with someone but they probably don't remember who they talked to next day, especially if they had a couple of drinks!

I think @Woodenboxing advice is very good. I'm interested in what you said about weirdos btw because I'm getting that sense as well.

I think a lot of people might not understand OP but I can believe this, I don’t know why it is but I have a similar thing happen to me but it’s the opposite, I must come across as boring at first meeting, the only way I’ve ever made friends is people who have been forced to spend time with me, like at work for example, and they often express surprise at how much they like me or enjoy talking to me etc I don’t know how I must come across at first 🙈

Maybe the women realised you are more attractive and interesting than they are, so they felt insecure.

It is love bombing. That's exactly what it is. But it's very brief because they back off and disappear very quickly after meeting 1-2-1. Which is when I think I must be hugely inadequate to be of such little interest after all.

But sod it. We can only focus on being the best version of ourselves we can be. I know I'm alright as a person. I'm not anything special but I'm fine, good enough. I don't want to be fodder for other people's egos.

No it's definitely not you. I'm fabulous and it's happened to me 😉🤣
I bet you have some decent friends. If not you sound like you'd make a good friend. Just go to places/goups where you'll meet like minds. I know people slate Facebook but there are women's social groups on there.
I only ever made one friend at the school gates. Still very close like sisters over 20 years later. Most were cliquey.

Edited for spelling

Hi OP - can I challenge you a little bit with a different perspective. Let me know your thoughts.

OP, here’s my take on this: I wonder if there is a disconnect between your ‘external’ appearance or persona and your ‘internal’ or ‘real personality’ . For example, some people dress in a certain way - eg ‘biker chicks’ or very conservatively but then deep down they maybe be really ‘partygoer’ and extremely out going despite dressing and generally carrying an opposite demeanour.

So, I wonder if you attract certain types by the way you look and by your general demeanour. These people then expect you to be a certain kind of person based on your ‘externals’. However, as they get to know you more, they quickly discover you’re not what they thought or expected.

You might need a bit of honest feedback from a trusted friend to tell you how you come across and see if there is congruency between your outer person and who you really are?