Need advice about adult son with anger issues who lives with me

[ThisWorthyJadeGoose]

Hello everyone, this is not an easy topic to talk about but I am honestly at the end of my tether with this and don’t know what to do

My son is 23 and my daughter who has complex medical needs is 26, they both live at home with me due to the cost of living and high rent costs in our area. My ex husband was abusive towards me and the kids witnessed this until I left him when they were in their early teens. My son has always idolised his dad and the older he’s grown the more similar they have become, not in a good way. My son has a real temper, me and my daughter have to walk on eggshells to not trigger his rage when he’s in a bad mood. We are all under stress at the minute and he is handling it terribly. When he gets into a temper, he looks just like his dad which is very hard for me. He has punched walls but never hurt me or my daughter, it’s very hard to describe because although he hasn’t been physical when he gets angry it is a very unpleasant atmosphere to live in. Then when he’s fine, he’s lovely and it’s like two different people…

He’s my son and I really don’t know how to deal with this, I arranged counselling (privately) for him but he wouldn’t go, I have tried to explain how much it’s affecting us but for some reason he doesn’t understand and says “some men would be worse when they’re stressed, some men would smash the whole house up” I didn’t raise him this way and don’t understand what has happened here.

Sorry for rambling, I would very much appreciate any advice thank you in advance

I didn’t raise him this way and don’t understand what has happened here.

You brought him up with an abusive role model and this is learnt behaviour. He's dominating the house with his moods and behaviour and intimidating you and your daughter.

You've been living with abusive men for decades. He's also moving through the cycle of abuse.

Contact your local domestic abuse organisation for help and support.

Agree with the pp, this is the cycle of abuse. Abusers are not awful all the time. You have to make sure you and your daughter are safe. That means your son has to leave. He is an adult and he will have to find his own place to live. You’ve told him and he doesn’t care. He minimises his abusive behaviour and won’t change. You need to out your foot down and have him removed from the home. You’ll be doing him a favour as well as protecting yourself and your daughter. You’ll be showing him that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated and he needs to learn this. Otherwise he will be abusive to women the rest of his life and potentially end up with a criminal record as well as a string of horrible relationships. You also need to show your daughter that no matter who the person is, abuse is unacceptable. Even if it’s your child/brother. I know it’s difficult but you have to do this. How would you feel if he did get violent and hurt you or your daughter? Speak to women’s aid for further advice and support. Tell your son to go to all his local housing associations and the local council and apply for housing. He has to tell them you are making him leave the family home and that he has nowhere to go. Or he can get a job and find a flat. Either way, he has to go and it has to be now. Don’t wait for this to escalate.